Music is in the air

2007-07-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

AH, JEALOUSY, MY OLD FRIEND...

Actually, that's not really true, I'm not used to being jealous. In the past, if I've felt jealous it was for a good reason - that I couldn't trust the person. So I would break up with them. Done and done.

This time around is different. I'm really into Peagant Girl, and I believe she's really into me. This relationship definetly has long term potential. That's why it sucks that I keep getting jealous.

Let's take for example the gentleman who e-mails her out of the blue to ask if this "relationship is serious", because he's had a crush on her for a long time.

Or the guy who pretends to be my friend to my face, and then tries to make out with her at a party while I'm in the OTHER ROOM.

Oh, oh, this one is the best. She's out in small town colorado this Summer for a music festival. She finally finds one guy she feels comfortable hanging out with that isn't going to hit on her. He has a GIRLFRIEND of a YEAR AND A HALF. They get drunk at a party and he starts hitting on her hardcore. Once she walks home alone, he starts calling her between 2 and 3 AM asking if he can come over. I wonder why.

Seriously. Where in the FUCK do these guys get off doing stuff like this? I would *never* hit on a girl who has a boyfriend. Casual flirting? Maybe - that depends on the girl. Asking if their relationship is serious because I have a crush on them? No. Trying to make out with them? No. Gaining their trust and then trying to SLEEP with them? Come on guys. Do you even care that you're dirtbags?

(oh, and P.S. you better believe I'm confronting this jackass when I get out there to visit her in a month. I'm already tired of him.)

So, long story short, after years of swearing I'd never be the jealous type, I seem to have become just that. Though, for the record, I think I'm handling this decently compared to how some guys might.

In the end, I am glad that she tells me these things. If I found out about them later from someone else, I would be far more upset, I think. It's got it's downsides, but in the end, I'm glad I'm with someone who is completely honest with me.

Venting complete. Thanks for playing along.

2007-06-22T02:45:00.001-07:00

I'M HAPPY

So I know I haven't said much about it, but Pageant Girl is great. Fantastic, really.

She's just graduated with an undergraduate degree from my school and is coming back for a masters degree. With her starting a two-year degree and myself going for the double masters, we're both going to be in Baltimore for two years. That gives us plenty of time (which, at this age - and in this profession, can be hard to come by) to see how this relationship pans out.

I'm excited. I think there is potential here for a future, and it's been a long time since I've felt that way. I'll try to contain my giddy-ness....

-----------

I'm heading back to Baltimore tomorrow, it may be a few days until I post again (what's new?). I'll be back soon!

2007-06-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

HN...WHATEVER

As you all know full well by now, I just do the HNT whenever I feel like... keeps you guessing!

I thought this picture just looked weird with my face cut out... I'll take this down in a day or two though! Hope you enjoy :)

2007-06-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

8 FACTS MEME

Alright, alright. Sitdown and shutup bitches, I've been tagged by VIXEN for this MEME, and I do NOT back down from a MEME challenge. So join me on this journey of discovery. You'll laugh, you'll cry... you might even get horny, who the hell knows. ENJOY!

8 Random Facts MEME
# I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
# Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
# People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
# At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
# Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

#1 - I have a blackbelt! That's right, I actually would have two, but the other martial art I took didn't have belts. Since I've been home I've been sparring a lot, and I'm actually considering fighting in a cage fight.

#2 - I have a GIRLFRIEND! Haha, I'm SURE you didn't know that about my commit-a-phobic ass. Pageant Girl came to visit and we decided to make it official. I have to admit I was really worried about it, but since we made the choice I've felt really good about it.

#3 - I can enjoy sex up to 4 times a day. That's not to say I can't do it more times, but after 4 times things start to get a little raw down there and it becomes a little more like work.

#4 - I can't wake up early to save my life. I will forever wake up with 15 minutes to get ready just to get those few precious moments of sleep.

#5 - I LOVE hard fucking. I'm sure that's not unlike most guys, but I really do like it rough. Biting, spanking, scratching, hair-pulling, maybe even a little slapping around (as long as it goes both ways), it's all good with me.

#6 - I love kids, but I can't stand teaching them. I would never teach younger than highschool.

#7 - I eat CONSTANTLY, but it's only healthy food... I figure that offsets it, right?

#8 - My new favorite place to have sex is the backseat of my car... here's why. One of my favorite positions is standard missionary, except with the girls legs up over my shoulders - perfect for the car. Then, once in that position, the car is the perfect shape. There's a place to put my foot and a handle to grab with 0ne hand, allowing for the hardest of sex.

Alright, I'm about to blow my load from talking about all that sex... time to take a porn break. Later!

P.S. - I don't have eight blog friends (sigh...) so do this thing if you wanna!

2007-06-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

I'M GUESSING PUNK

I'm not sure though. I'll bet I've got a lot of points for a few of these, my tastes are varied.

PREP
[] You go tanning.
[x] You own a cell phone.
[] You own something from Abercrombie.
[] You own something from Pacsun.
[] You own something from Hollister.
[] You own something from American Eagle.
[] You love/like going to the mall.
[x]You own an iPod/MP3 player.
[] You love Starbucks.
[] You have been called a brat.
[] You hate buying things that are on sale.
[] You have more than one house.

GOTHIC
[x] Black is one of your favorite colours
[] You have thought about death.
[] You wear chains.
[] You like heavy metal.
[] You’ve shopped at Hot Topic.
[] You have worn black lipstick
[] Your hair was/is dark.
[] You dislike preps.
[] You’re an athiest/ satanist/agnostic/Pagan

PUNK
[] You can skateboard.
[] You wear plaid.
[x] You like Converse.
[x] You hate MTV
[] You have/had/want blue, pink, red, purple, or green hair.
[x] You dislike pink.
[] You hate/dislike preps.
[x] You wear/wore skateboarding shoes.

GEEK
[x] You love the computer.
[] You like Harry Potter
[] You are supposed to wear glasses/contacts.
[x] You get/got straight A’s.
[] You love/like reading.
[x] You were/are in band.
[] You don’t care what you look like.
[] You have a curfew.
[] You always do/did your homework.
[] You never miss school unless you’re sick.

EMO
[] You are/were depressed.
[] You have black rimmed glasses.
[x] You like the band Taking Back Sunday.
[] You cry easily.
[x] You like emo music.
[] You hate being called emo.
[] You keep a journal/diary.
[] You have written a sad poem.
[] You have/had a sad MySpace layout.
[x] You think emo chicks/Guys are hot
[] you wear your hood alot

GHETTO/GANSTA
[x] You like rap.
[] You are in a gang.
[] You wear/wore rubberbands in your pants.
[x] You swear once in a while or alot.
[] You have freestyled.
[] You have worn high tops with the tongue flipped out.
[] You can break dance

HARDCORE
[x] You like loud music
[] You love/loved the Ninja Turtles
[] You never walk anywhere.
[] You wear slip-on shoes.
[] You love Norma Jean.
[] You wear band t-shirts.
[] People have called you a freak and meant it.
[] You love to “hardcore” dance
[] Your hair has been dyed more than one color at a time.

ATHLETIC
[x] You watch/watched the Superbowl.
[x] You own track shoes or other sports related shoes.
[] You collect your jerseys.
[x] You have/had had a special shelf for trophies and awards.
[] You have posters or plaques of famous athletes.
[x] Your garage consists of sports equipment
[x] You belong/belonged to a school team.
[] You are going/did go to a sports summer camp.
[] You have a specific number preferred for your jersey.

PREP 2
GOTHIC 1
PUNK 4
GEEK 3
EMO 3
GHETTO/GANSTA 2
HARDCORE 1
ATHLETIC 5

Should have known the athletic side wins. That's alright, lifting weights got me more sex than music ever did.

2007-06-05T21:16:00.001-07:00

MY OWN VERSION OF TMI

So this might be too much for some of you, but it's an honest question I have for the ladies out there, and there's a very good reason I'm asking.

Do you ever have sex while you're on your period?

Here's why I ask. Pageant Girl is coming to town next week. Chances are she's going to be on her period most, if not the entire time she's here. After this trip, I'm not going to see her for almost 3 months... and that's a long time to go without sex.

So... what do you think? Should I try? I'm up for it (in case you didn't know, I'm a dirty man). If you've done it before, what should I expect? Is there something we can do to make it work? Should I just try to convince her to do anal? (I think I can, by the way)

Again, I'm sorry if this is gross! But hey, composer needs his sex.

2007-06-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

I FIGURED I OWE YOU

Now that that's out of the way...

---------------

So, I'm back in Kansas City now, home for a few more weeks before I head back to Baltimore for Summer classes. Things are generally good, I'm just trying to get a lot of work done and get back in shape after my allergy (or whatever that was) issues in Baltimore.

Things with Pageant Girl are getting a bit more serious. She's home for a month or so, staying with her parents. I drove 8 hours to see her last week and stayed with her at her parents house for a few days.

Let me tell you, in those 3 days, I had, easily, the best sex of my life. It was hot, sweaty, dirty, hard fucking... and it was well worth the drive.

So now she's flying here in a week to stay with me for a few days before we go our seperate ways for the rest of the summer. I'd say there's definetly potential here for a relationship, but like I probably said before, I've got some time to figure things out before we're back in Baltimore.

---------------

I wish I could say other things are new... I'm finishing work on a huge piece that's going to be an important composition for me, and that's keeping me busy.

Oh yeah! I did find out I'm going to be an uncle! My (only) sister just told me yesterday, so that is big news!

Well, hopefully I can keep this up more regularly, I miss you all! Peace!

2007-05-05T13:40:00.000-07:00

SO I'VE GOT THESE BITE MARKS...

Um... so Pageant Girl's new nickname should probably be dirty girl, because damn. I woke up this morning with some serious "love" marks.

Yeah, we had some sex. And it was good.

So, the story with her. The jury is kinda out at the moment. She is the serious relationship type, which is fine... but she's already pushing for a relationship which makes me wonder whether she really likes me or if she just needs to be in a relationship. As I've said before, I take relationships very seriously and I won't get in one unless I see it going somewhere.

Luckily, I've got some time to figure it out... I'm leaving for home in under 2 weeks and I won't be able to see her for several months.

I do think, though, that she's a good girl and I like being around her, but I'm not getting into a relationship right now. I've got all summer to date!

----------------

by the way, in case you're wondering. There's been no HNT because I'm once again sick. I went to the doctor again and they think I've developed new allergies from moving to Baltimore. But these "allergies" are fucking severe, and I've just felt sick to varying degrees for the last 5 weeks.

I'll let you all know when I'm better, but for the meantime, no HNT... boo.

2007-04-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GROWING UP WHEN...

You turn down sex with a really hot girl because you find her annoying.

Haha, so my hot saturday night date... Well, she's a really hot black girl. Really hot. Cool. She's also kind of a bitch. Not cool.

I take her out to a bar where my buddy bartends. He's pimptacular, and he basically helps me work some magic (and keeps feeding her (and me) awesome free drinks). Thing is, halfway through the night, I actually started to feel bad about subjecting HIM to HER. She talked non-stop: about how much all the boys like her, about he degree, about her sorority, about her blah blah fuckin blah.

And to make things worse, she fished for compliments and rarely laughed at anything... I'm no comedian, but when I get together with my rowdy friends, we're fucking hilarious.

So, after 2 hours, I walk her home. I say I'm going to go meet up with friends at another bar (this was actually her idea originally, she had other plans later... so I made some too). She bitches at me for not inviting her, and then proceeds to start furiously making out with me on the street.

Still, as much as I like kissing a good (and energetic) kisser with nice full lips, I bailed. She asked me to come up but I just couldn't do it. Maybe if my friends weren't waiting on me I might have, who knows.

She called me tonight and asked me to go to her sorority's formal (tonight, something happened to her date). 99% guaranteed sex? I turned it down. If she wants to come over and bang I'll probably take her up on it, but other than that, I don't want to deal with having to meet all her friends and go to a damn dance. I've got homework to do. Ha!

More on pageant girl soon, hope everyone had a great weekend!

2007-04-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

AND THE UNIVERSE BALANCES OUT

To make up for my shitty night last night and subsequent lack of sleep, the good Lord (or whatever you believe in) has thrown a little good fortune my way.

I just got the phone number of the HOTTEST black girl since Halle Berry. She sings in one of my school choirs but doesn't go to my campus - which is perfect. She's actually half korean and half black, and let me tell you, there are some good genes there. DA-YUM. We're going out drinking, that's right, drinking saturday night. Wish me luck.

And oh yeah, lest you forget pageant girl is still in the picture. We're going out tomorrow night.

Yeah, I think I'll get over my shitty day yesterday.

And oh yeah, happy HNT!

I haven't been able to run for a month or so due to the ridiculous cold, but I'm finally getting better, so there will be some ab shots again soon enough...

2007-04-25T22:32:00.000-07:00

OH. WELL FUCKING WONDERFUL.

Venting.

I just got an upset e-mail from my main teacher because I misunderstood him today. It's a long story, but the jest is - something was supposed to be confidential, I didn't get that part, I told someone.

You can see how worried I am about telling anyone else now, I won't even say it on here.

He's a serious pessimist so it's hard to tell from the tone of his e-mail how angry he is, but he wasn't pleased. But here's the thing - I was obviously just trying to help and there was zero harm done. I actually get pretty offended when people get angry with me in these situations.

Luckily I'm switching to a new teacher next year. He is an excellent teacher, but I can't deal with this negativity anymore. This is bull shit.

2007-04-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

WHAT'S THIS... A GIRL? ...INTERESTED?!

Here's the deal on my re-emerging love life.

There's a girl in my church choir who also goes to school with me, though I rarely see her around there. Let's call her pageant girl (she used to do these, aparently)

Well, pageant girl has had a boyfriend for almost 2 years, which puts her firmly off my radar, and is why you haven't heard about her before. But, she and I have been talking more lately. We've played together at gigs recently and have been going out to them just the two of us, giving us lots of time to talk.

In that time I've pretty well figured out that she's interested. Because she told me on Friday (it doesn't take a detective...). I'm very respectful of relationships, but I couldn't not say anything... I told her I think she's very attractive. This of course, inevitably, leads to her and her boyfriend breaking up today. Wonderful.

Do I feel guilty? No, I wouldn't have had her do that. That said, it was going to happen anyway, and it sounds like it was somewhat mutual... though I'm not sure.

Is she relationship material? Maybe, I don't know yet... but at least there might be some dating and maybe some booty in my future. That would be nice. Like. REALLY nice.

I'll let you know what happens...

2007-04-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

HNT

By request from Vix... sorry, the quality is poor, damn phone camera...

2007-04-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

WOW

I've spent the last week staring at a computer screen, mostly. School is coming to a close soon and I really want to get as much help from my teacher as possible on my new piece. It's for full orchestra and I think it may be the piece that puts me "on the map".

Stuff this large is really time consuming though, so there hasn't been much social stuff going on lately. I've seen a few women around my building that *may* be interested, but I haven't really made any efforts. It all seems pointless, I'm leaving for home in a month - and then I'll come back here after a month - and then home for another month... I'm starting to think the next few months are going to be lonely.

I've had a few girls express interest in hooking up, but I'm just not in the mood for that. Don't get me wrong, I miss sex. A lot. But I was dissapointed with myself for some of the hookups I had after K. I'm not that guy.

Ideas? Yeah, me neither. HNT coming up next.

2007-04-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

I MISS SLEEP...

I woke up 2 hours before my alarm was set to go off today... I had a dream about First Love and couldn't go back to sleep. It was bizarre, when it was going on I really felt like we were still together. When I woke up and realized it was a dream I felt like I'd just found out she got married again. It was... unpleasant.

-------------

In less sad and pathetic news, I've got a new Meme assignment from Vix (I do enjoy these things). The rules are, someone picks a letter for you and you have to state 10 things you like and dislike starting with that letter. My letter is S... here goes!

I Like:

1. Snacking, with a vengeance - I don't even eat meals anymore.
2. Sex - like you didn't see that coming.
3. Shower Sex - even better!
4. Slutty Holloween Costumes - Keep 'em coming ladies.
5. Singing - And it pays pretty well.
6. Sleeping Over - Nothing like waking up next to someone special.
7. Steak - I'm a steak whore.
8. Sci-fi - I'm also a NERD.
9. Sweating - love a good workout, in whatever form in may come....
10. Short ladies - As long as they're shorter than me.

I Dislike:

1. Salad - Tastes fine, just takes too long to eat.
2. Starting Conversation (with women) - I'm terrible at it.
3. Standing - Seriously, can't we sit to sing through a 2 hour rehearsal?
4. Shaving - I don't mind the act, I just don't like that it makes me break out.
5. Self-Righteous People - Get out of your ivory tower and join the rest of us.
6. Shorts - The only way you're seeing my white ass legs is if you're about to see my penis.
7. Sloppy Kisses - My face is not a lollipop. Clean it up.
8. Standardized Tests - I'm 23. Stop making me take them.
9. Scrubs at the Gym - Move more than 2 plates or get out of my way.
10. Strippers - Why would I pay good money for glorified softcore when I can get real porn for free on the net?

Anybody else wanna play?

2007-04-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

BIG NEWS!

So I went to get my mail today, and you'll never guess what came from my school. A nice little notification that I've just been awarded a graduate assistantship worth the FULL, that's right, FULL cost of my tuition.

That is over 30,000 dollars per year. I am officially on a full ride scholarship!

I seriously can't stop smiling... I need to celebrate. I'll get the booze, you get the strippers.

2007-04-04T18:34:00.000-07:00

IF I WAS A HORSE....

The doctors would have shot me by now. Don't get me wrong, I do get compared to horses pretty often. You know, cause of the *HUGE PENIS*... Anyway. I gave in and went to the doctor today. I hate the doctor. You pay them to tell you what you already know, and then they give you some medicine that doesn't work. BUT, if after a week the condition is getting worse, then it's time to see the quack.

I'm now on anti-biotics and useless cough medicine. Keeping my fingers crossed for the anti-biotics to work.

-----------------

I wish I had something fun to report.... but not really. Conversations with New Years Eve Girl have started back up, though, which is nice. I remain intrigued by her, and I think there is a possibility of something happening there this summer. I'm going to try not to think about it too much for the next month, but it would be great to see her again.

Peace out, hommies.

2007-04-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

WHAT THE HELL DAY IS IT?

I woke up today and I thought maybe it was Saturday. After pondering for a few minutes I finally figured out it was Monday.

Waking up while sick is always a treat. The runny nose has crystalized, thus forcing me to sleep with an open mouth all night. Good morning cotton mouth, sore throat and severly chapped lips. Worse yet, I have really weird, really vivid dreams when I'm sick. I always wake up straight out of those dreams and have no idea where I'm at or what day it is. Bizarre.

I hate it.

---------------

Things with Southern Belle have finally gotten back on the healthy side. She seems to be handling things pretty well now. I think it helped that we had a talk. She asked me to tell her anything else that was on my mind about her, so I did. I told her that I think some of our communication problems (the conversation just not being there) stemmed from the fact that she would never really open up to me.

I never knew when something was bothering her, and in the end it created a barrier between us. When you couple that with a lack of an open physical relationship, the whole thing ended up feeling sort of shallow.

She said she understood, and that she wants to work on it. I don't know what to expect, but maybe she will really take it to heart and start being more open with me. I do believe there's a chance of something in the future, so I'm glad things are going well now.

---------------

As far as other women? Nothing going on. Nothing. Boo.

I figured out that to have a chance with the girl in my building I would basically have to stalk her. She didn't give me her apartment number, the building manager did... so unfortunately I can't just stop by.

Bummer... And as far as girls at school... well, I pretty much decided to not date at school anymore. Too small, too much gossip. Maybe I need to start hitting the bars?

2007-03-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

HNT

It's been a while... I'm actually really damn sick right now, so I'm doing this cause I lub you.

Been workin' on them abs!

2007-03-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

SOUTHERN BELLE

So I think I left you guys sort of hanging with this... and besides, I could REALLY use some advice here.

As you know, I had been dreading breaking up with Southern Belle for many weeks. We've seen each other nearly every day for the last 2 months, and she's really become my best friend here. I knew that this would not be easy.

So, sometime last week, I finally sat her down and told her how I feel. I was honest, but did hold some things back. I told her I like her, a lot. But we've been dating for 2 months, and if I'm not feeling like being in a committed relationship yet, then I'm just not going to right now. That's all true.

What I didn't say is, the reason I feel that way is because the conversation just isn't there like it should be, and she's awkward when it comes to being physical (the little bit we have). When it comes down to it, I feel like I'm dating a girl. A very smart, wonderful, fantastic girl. But a girl. Not a woman. The fact is, I'm not going to fall in love with a girl. I may grow to love her over time, but not in the way she deserves to be loved.

All of that may change in time. I told her that, for the time being, we should step back to being friends. My reasoning is that if we really have a shot at being together, it would be better not to force a relationship now while I'm not feeling it. I really believe this, and I think she believed me too.

She took everything surprisingly well... we hung out the rest of the night and had a great time. As much as I'd been dreading the conversation with her, it all went well. I thought.

Well, I got an e-mail from her Saturday afternoon. She cancelled our plans for the evening, and told me she was having a hard time. She said it would be best if she could take some time before seeing me again, and then abrubtly ended the e-mail. I saw her later that day as I was leaving the gym and she looked like she had been crying.

I don't know what to do. My heart sank past my stomach. I came back to my apartment and stared at the wall for 30 minutes, trying not to cry. This girl is going through hell and there's nothing I can do about it. She's my best friend here, and we haven't spoken for days now. I want her to know I'm here for her. I want her to talk to me, or something. I don't know.

People. What can I do? She hasn't returned my e-mails. I'm losing my best friend.

2007-03-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

GOOD LORD IS IT THE 23RD?

I've missed you guys.... I'm sorry. And, oh my... there's too much to catch up on, so I'm going to give a very short recap of the last few weeks.

For starters I had my spring break last week and it. was. awesome. I slept until 11 am every day (I know, I'm a sloth) and then worked on music *all* day, *every* day. I mean, I left my apartment about 3 times that week to work out, and that's it. It was beautiful. I can't begin to tell you how much shit I got done.

People made fun of me when I told them what my break was like, but this is a competitive business, and I plan to make a living at it. It's reassuring to me that I can enjoy working that much.

Other than that? Females, females, females... where do I start? I've been having more sex dreams lately, which can only mean one thing, I'm about to get so horny I'm gonna do something stupid... and I don't want to do that. So... here's to hoping I'll find a nice girl before that happens.

I've got this huge crush on a girl that lives in my building. I chatted with her a bit last Saturday on the elevator but I was hung over and wasn't feeling ballsy enough to ask her out. It was one of those moments where by the time I realized she was actually into me it was too late because she was walking away. Girls aren't always so easy to read, so I couldn't believe I didn't pick up on it and ask her... You'd better believe I was kicking myself all day for that one.

Well, I asked the building manager about her. He likes me (like wants to see me naked, likes me), so he gave me some dirt. Told me where she lives, that she just broke up with her boyfriend about a month ago. I told him this is kinda a big deal (you ever just get that feeling?), and if he could try to introduce us I would be FOREVER in his debt. I'm waiting patiently....

Any ideas?

2007-03-09T16:53:00.000-08:00

HOLY SHIT

Jee-zus, I blinked and this week was GONE. This was seriously a busy week, between dealing with my neck and trying to finish the piece I've been working on, I feel like I haven't sat down since Monday. I was up till 4 am 3 nights this week.

So, I woke up on Monday and the neck felt good enough to not go to the doctor, but still hurt. It's still giving me trouble, enough that I've only worked out twice this week for fear of reinjury. Not cool. I'm hoping to get back to a regular routine starting Monday.

The good news is: the piece is done, the professor I wrote it for likes it, he plays in the symphony here, and with any luck he'll spread the word to his colleauges in the symphony. Makes the 4 am nights feel worth it!

BTW, Professor, I thought about you this week when we covered production of musicals in one of my music ed classes... sounds like a shit ton of work!

In any case, I'm off to deep clean my apartment and then take an evening for myself (porn, TV, food, porn, sleep - in that order). G'night

2007-03-04T19:51:00.000-08:00

I NEED A DOCTOR

Yep, I definetly pulled something. The pain I feel in my neck anytime I try to raise my right arm, look to my right, hold my head upright, or do just about anything else, can only be described as several midgets clinging onto my back and repeatedly stabbing me.

So I woke up with a crick in my neck, but decided that since my lifting partners were at the gym today I still needed to go. Bad idea. By the time I was done lifting, I could not look to my right at all.

And here's the best part, I have tons of shit to do tomorrow! I don't know if I'm even going to be able to sleep. I've been lying on the couch for 5 hours alternating ice and heat, downing Motrins and getting a neck massage from a very sweet girl, and I'm STILL in pain. I had to lie on the ground to get a shirt on.

So we're going to see. If I wake up tomorrow and it's as bad as it was today, I'm going to the hospital.

2007-03-02T23:19:00.000-08:00

TRYING TO GET BACK TO THIS

Busy busy, which is good and bad. I've developed more of a rhythm for my writing lately, which is GREAT. I'm still not writing as much as I was last year, but I'm working towards it. I think my head is in the right place now to make good music, I just need to devote the proper time, and it's getting better.

So, most free moments I'm sitting down at the piano or computer and writing my ass off. The problem is I don't feel like I have free time for anything else. I don't want to stop to write blog entries or clean my apartment (you should have seen it last week) or eat or go out. I'm getting stuff done, so I can't complain, but I've got some ideas for blocking off composing time (more like last year), so I don't feel so much like I have to do it every free moment.

-----------------

GREAT NEWS. The director of the wind ensemble (band) here at my new school has decided to have his group play my band piece next year.

HOLY CRAP.

This is big. None of the other composers are having their music played by any of the large ensembles here. None. In fact, I don't know that ANY composition students have ever had their music played by the band or orchestra while they were in school here.

Having this piece playing in my undergraduate was good, having it played here is PHENOMENAL. This school is a big name, and some good things are bound to come from this.

AND, that's not the only big news. I got into the masters of music education program, so I'm now a double masters student in composition and education. F - yeah. AND, I'm in the running for an assistantship with the education program that would pay my FULL tuition. Somebody pinch me.

-----------------

Just watched this new show, The Black Donnellys. I honestly thought it didn't look like a very good mob show, but let me tell you, the pilot show was awesome. This is the end of the first show, so be warned for a spoiler, at your own risk, but I thought some of you might appreciate the music choice. The show is done well, check it out!

---------------

Well, it's 2:50 in the morning, and you know what that means. Back to writing! Love ya'll.

2007-02-21T11:17:00.000-08:00

I SUCK!

I'm sorry y'all... I have no excuse, but here's a few anyway.

For starters, I went home over the weekend, and aside from being really busy with friends and family, my parents have a terrible internet connection. It's all I can do to wait 5 minutes for my e-mail to load.

Also, things with Southern Belle remain unresolved, and I don't know about you, but I have a hard time writing about other things when I have one big thing on my mind.

Well, for those wondering, I DID have a conversation with her about it. Last night actually (I just got home yesterday). I told her that I respect her more than she knows, I told her that I think girls like her are one in a million, I told her that I would never push her to do anything she wouldn't want to do. BUT. I told her I just think that intimacy is a part of an adult relationship, and that it's something I need.

As suspected, she stayed firm that she had boundaries and didn't want them crossed. No sex. No foreplay. Nothing.

What to do? I told her that I need more time. I'm not ready to break up with a wonderful girl just yet. We're going to keep things at dating for a while and I'm going to see if I can make it work.

My concern is that this is leading her on, but I'm really giving this a shot... and I feel better that she knows exactly what's on my mind and at least understands (and doesn't think I'm a bastard), even if she can't see things from my perspective.

---------------

In any case, I missed you guys! I'll be around to your blogs soon!

2007-02-12T10:36:00.000-08:00

BLEH

I come to you slightly bummed today at -

1. The way things seem to have ended up with New Years Eve girl.

2. The way I think things are going to end up with Southern Belle.

3. The way my writing is going.

I honestly don't even want to talk about New Years Eve girl, that situation just sucks. As far as Southern Belle... I've tried every which way to be OK with the fact that we're never going beyond kissing, but it's just not going to work. This sucks. I feel like a bastard because I can't get over something like that... but to tell the truth, I think if it was love, I'd be willing to deal with anything.

Here's an example. We're lying in her bed kissing, 2 nights ago. I would never try anything if I know she wouldn't go for it. That's fine. I've been very respectful. But as we're laying side by side, I try to gently grab her leg and guide it behind mine (so we're a bit more "locked in"), I can feel her fight me (or at least not go with me, I'm not sure). So I stop. Maybe she's not comfortable with that... ok... so I start kissing her neck, and roll above her as I do. For practicality, it's easier if my legs are inbetween hers, but when I go to move her leg, again I feel her fight me (does she think I'm going to dry hump her or what?)... so I'm trying to akwardly hold myself up as I kiss her. By this point, you can imagine that frustration has taken over most feelings of arousal, so I stop kissing her and put my neck near her face. I say, "it's ok if you'd like to kiss my neck you know," and she does. About 3 pecks.

Ho. ly. shit. This, literally, feels like the early years of high school all over again... and at least I was getting to 2nd base back then. It's clear that she is not comfortable with any forms of physicality, and honestly, I doubt she is ever going to be able to enjoy sex, even with the person she marries.

It's important, just as important as any other part of a healthy relationship - and if everything is not just right, I'm not going to get into a relationship.

So now I have to figure out how to tell this otherwise wonderful girl that I don't want to be with her. That's going to be a blast.

2007-02-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

I DUNNO

Really, I don't know. I've tried to write about my thoughts with Southern Belle many times, but I can't seem to put everything together coherently. I keep saying the same things and then deleting it. I'm still struggling with her lack of experience...

Other than that? Of course any time I get remotely involved more options arise. I swear girls smell a taken man. I do use that term liberally... but I wouldn't date another girl at the same time in such a small school. That would be dating life suicide.

sigh.

2007-02-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

UM EXCUSE ME WHAT NOW?

That's all I could say to this -

"Well... I've never kissed a guy before..."

That's right folks. I took her kissing virginity. What the hell? Southern Belle will be 22 in about a month... and I just. don't. understand.

I leaned in to kiss her and I immediately felt her tense up. She kissed me back... but she kinda missed. Her lips ended up halfway off mine. So I tried again, and she did it again. I asked her if she was ok and that's when she dropped that little bomb. Later on I had to kind of hold her head in place so I could get her to kiss me right.

Honestly now. I thought we were past this stuff at this age. I just don't know how I feel about this. Does this mean there would be no messing around at all? ...Ever? Sometimes it doesn't matter how great everything else is. If you're not at all physical, you're just really good friends. Know what I mean?

Who knows though, maybe that stuff will come with time... I'm not going to freak out just yet.

BESIDES that little tidbit, everything went fine. She made me dinner and we watched some movies. It was a good time, as it always is with her. I'm not going to be rushing into a relationship yet though... I'll be keeping ya'll updated.

2007-02-02T21:11:00.000-08:00

OOPS, PART DEUX

Alright... I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong, as much as it pains me.

HR (to be referred to as the Southern Belle from here on out) is really amazing. She, as mentioned before, is smart, talented and beautiful... well, once I gave her more time, I realized that she is also incredibly goofy and funny. The girl makes me laugh, and she's sweet beyond words. Awesome. Last week I asked her if she could drive me somewhere and she wasn't able to... so the next day I come home and there's a card on my door apologizing for it. How freaking adorable is that?

Oh, and she bought me last of the mohicans on DVD for my birthday. Mega mega brownie points.

Meanwhile, things with TS (to be referred to as New Years Eve girl) have steadily slowed. I had friends warn me that she might be a flake and I think I'm seeing it now. As wonderful as the conversation is... it's not everything. I've noticed she's less and less reliable in contact, and suddenly our plans to meet when I came home took a step back from definetly to probably. That sucks ya'll. It was not easy booking a flight home, and not cheap either. Seeing her was not the only reason I was going home, but it was the biggest one.

So... this is a first. 99.9% of the time, I know how I feel about someone almost immediately (within a week or so). Either I'm really into them, or I'm not. With Southern Belle... things have slowly gotten better. Every time I've seen her she grows on me a little more. It's really odd, to be honest.

I've been really upfront and honest with her about the situation with NYE girl this whole time, and I've really been respectful of her space... but I decided that I'm not going to let a good thing go, and I told her that. Tomorrow is our first official date, and folks, I'm really excited about it.

2007-02-02T16:11:00.000-08:00

WHY ARE YOU SORRY?

Apparently everybody's throwing a hissy fit. Fast food employees everywhere (at least that's what the news would have you believe) are upset that a superbowl ad is making fun of them. Well, for starters, it's not making fun of them, it's making fun of Kevin Federline - or more accurately - he's making fun of himself.

Story here

His reaction? He apologized. WHY? It's a joke. It's not even that offensive. You should never be sorry because people can't take a joke.

2007-02-01T00:39:00.000-08:00

HNT

Yeah, I've taken some time off from this... thanks to Vix for kickin me in the ass. :)

2007-01-30T12:10:00.000-08:00

ARE YOU BORED?

Then this post is for you.

These are some bands that really inspire me.

Fall Out Boy has some really awesome rhythms. It's amazing how catchy their stuff is. These songs are more lighthearted, but they range in the intensity of the lyrics.

Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance

Fall Out Boy - This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race

A.F.I. has been around for a while. I'm just becoming familiar with them, but apparently they used to be a more hardcore punk band. I got their new CD and I just love how different every song is. Some are Emo (Love Like Winter), some are hardcore punk, and some even sound like hip-hop (...with a twist - Prelude 12/21)

A.F.I. - Love Like Winter

A.F.I. - Prelude 12/21

Snow Patrol is pretty good. Out of all these songs, this reminds me the most of my own style. Note the long, repetitive buildup to the climax. It works so well because it draws you in almost like hypnosis and then slowly builds in intensity. Very powerful, I think.

Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes (not a real video... but a good song, nonetheless)

My Chemical Romance is really great. Personally I don't think they have any one "best" song like some of these others, but what's great is they're really consistent. I can't find a song on either of their CDs I own that I don't like.

My Chemical Romance - The Ghost of You

My Chemical Romance - Cancer

2007-01-29T20:39:00.000-08:00

OOPS

I blinked and 7 days went by.

To be honest, I've had the time to blog, BUT... the female situation remains confusing.... and I really hate contradicting myself on every other entry I make. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say I'm not sure anymore.

-----------------

I'm in the full swing of class now. Taking a lot of classes and generally loving them. I've decided now to get 2 masters degrees. Crazy huh? Composition and Music Education. This will allow me to teach both at the K-12 level and the junior college/small university level. Badass.

A sample of the classes I'm taking are -

music and the special student - a really interesting class about working with disabled children

instrument classes - I'm learning how to play the trombone, french horn and various percussion this semester... AWESOME!

Add to that - lessons, choirs, conducting classes, and other academic classes... this is gonna be a bitch! But totally worth it. I'm really a lot more happy this semester - for various reasons, but having classes that I enjoy and find worthwhile is a big part of that hapiness. Good things people. Good things.

2007-01-23T14:30:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME...

It's my birthday! Whoo! It doesn't really feel like it, since I'm in the middle of a busy day... but whatever, somebody buy me shit!

--------------------------

For some reason I can't reply to Vix's TMI... so here is my comment I WOULD leave on her post -

1. What is a creampie?

My signature move.

2. Once a cheater, always a cheater. True or false… why?

Well, from what I've seen with my friends, that is true... BUT, I think there are plenty of people out there who probably did it once and realized it made them feel terrible and will never do it again.

I don't know though, I've never cheated. Never will.

3. Where is the female G spot and how do you find it?

Well... in MY experience, it tends to be about 2 - 3 inches inside, and on the top side. If you curl your finger a little and experiment, you might be able to find it.

I've dated girls who you could feel it LIKE A BUTTON. It was awesome. And I've dated other girls who didn't know where their own was (but that didn't seem to keep them from getting frustrated with me... seriously, what's up with that? If you can't find it, how am I supposed to?).
If all else fails, go for the clit.

4. Is there a correlation between shoe size and penis size?

There's no correlation between penis size and anything. There are huge dudes with tiny dicks, and tiny dudes with huge dicks.

5. Can women have wet dreams?

Why not?

Bonus: Take a wild guess, how many calories are in a man’s average ejaculation?

Who cares, I tell them that mine prevents cancer.

P.S - 400 loads huh? I could knock that out by lunch!

2007-01-21T21:52:00.000-08:00

I'M A TRAINWRECK

To take a quote from Breezy.

So I had a conversation with TS on the phone today. I can honestly say it was the high point of my week. I hung up the phone and realized we'd been talking for 30 minutes... which, albeit, is not that much time. But it didn't even feel like that long. The conversation is easy and fun. Really fun. That's so hard to find.

I mentioned to her that I was interested in coming home for a few days in Febraury. She got very excited and suggested that she would drive to KC (2 hours) if I did. That is a very good sign.

It's tough to know where to take it from here. I'm trying to let things roll and take it as it comes, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I'm extremely interested in persuing this, and I'm going to try to make that more clear the next time I see her.

Only an 18 hour drive... that's not stupid at all...

--------------------

and here comes the trainwreck part. I haven't talked with HR yet. (btw, am I the only one who thinks I need a better system for hiding identities?)

The girl is beyond sweet. A real southern belle.

She stopped by my place today on her way back from church. I opened the door and accidentally let out an audible, "wow". She looked amazing... just stunning.

It's tough to turn down something that's right in your face and take a gamle instead. Especially when what's available is pretty good in its own right.

But here's the truth (and believe me, I'm saying this as much for me as I am for you), when you know someone is more right for you, you have to go for that.

Hurdles be damned, I'm going to make an effort with TS, because she's the one I have the real feelings for, not the one who lives in the same building as me.

2007-01-20T11:04:00.000-08:00

I FIGURED IT OUT

Unfortunately, I just don't think it's going to work out. Honestly, I think it sucks because she's great, but here's why it wouldn't work.

1. I've hung out with her several times this week and still haven't felt a real connection. It's fun, but not "where'd the time go?" fun.

2. She admitted to me last night that she doesn't swear, and doesn't like to hear it. That's kind of a damn hell ass problem for me... there's just no way I can hold that back forever.

3. She hasn't dated in years. Technically, that's fine if I really like someone, but chances are if we started dating she would take it more seriously than me, and I don't see it getting serious with her.

It may sound like excuses, but it's not like that. I was hoping I would discover that I like her more from hanging out with her, but it didn't turn out that way. I'm not sure where to go from here. I like spending time with her, but I think we need to keep it at friends. How am I going to tell her?

We've never held hands, kissed or even cuddled... but it's obvious there's interest there. I need to say something... delicately. ....thoughts?

2007-01-19T00:24:00.000-08:00

WOW

That's all I can say of blind date girl. She's a bitch!

As you might remember, I actually had to call her and make her break up with me. Break up, is a term I'm using loosely, because we weren't together, we were barely dating... but I don't take kindly to people playing games, and she was obviously acting distant and bitchy to try to get me to break up with her. How old are we?

So I called and told her if she wanted to break up with me, she should just do it. She began spewing that things were fine now but there was no future blah blah etc. Whatever, I'm cool with it.

Well, new semester rolls around. I haven't talked to her since that conversation, but I assume we're all adults and can handle ourselves as such.

WRONG!

I walk into a courtyard/walkway and see her chatting on her cell phone. I'm walking with someone else and I wave at her. She sees me and turns away. Ok... so as we near her I say "hey, what's up?" and she actually turns her entire body away from me.

So... here's the message I sent her when I got home -

"come on ____... I can't believe you actually wouldn't say hello to me or at least smile politely today. What's up with that?

I have no problem with you, and I have no idea why you'd have one with me. Didn't you do the breaking up? I don't expect to be best friends, but you're better than that, right?"

As expected, no response. I'm at a loss. I haven't experienced anything like this since high school. One bitchy girl in college was pretty childish, but at least she acknowledged me. 23 years old folks. 23.

---------------

I've been hanging out with the new girl, HR pretty frequently. I remain ...confused about whether it's worth persuing.

Maybe I should rephrase that. She's smart. Talented (very). Beautiful. Genuinely sweet, and sincere. She's worth persuing. She's an amazing girl.

But is she right for me? Still on the fence. Normally by this point, I would determine that if I'm not sure, that's the answer I need - not for me. Here's why I'm delaying that decision. I feel like she's holding back. She seems nervous, or ...something, I don't know. I want her to be more comfortable around me, but I don't know any ways to do that without leading her on (things that loosen me up and make me more comfortable with someone are cuddling, kissing, and sex). As of right now we've done nothing more than hug, and I'd like to keep it that way before I decide a bit more. ...I think that's a good idea...

But as of right now the conversation is fairly one sided. I have to start most of them. Every once in a while she says something really funny. But it's not there like it should be. Loosing hope, but it's still there for the moment.

2007-01-17T18:45:00.000-08:00

SURI

I just wanted to write a quick note here.

Most of the few people who read this also read Suri's blog and probably also know that she passed away.

I didn't know her personally, but I kind of felt like I did. She wrote well and wore her heart on her sleve. She was smart, funny, caring, clever, deep... she was a good person, and she'll be missed.

2007-01-16T22:24:00.000-08:00

DATE N' SUCH

So, I went on a date last night. Monday night, you ask? Why yes, I'm just that classy.

I had a pretty good time. The girl is ridiculously nice, a talented musician, smart, cute, rockin' body. BUT. I don't know yet.

Yet is the key, I haven't decided. She's kind of the "great on paper" kind of girl. Everything's great, but I don't know if there's a click. The conversation felt a bit strained, but if everything else is good, I like to give it a little more time to see if that develops. Maybe she's shy... she seems the type.

I honestly think I'm still feeling pretty strongly towards TS (the girl I met New Years Eve and went on a date with while home). I think I'm doing the right thing by continuing to date, TS and I aren't serious at all, but I can't help comparing.

We'll see where all this goes, but conversation with TS remains encouraging!

--------------------

School started today. Wish me some damn luck, cause I'm gonna be busy. I'm taking over 20 hours of Masters and Undergraduate classes. That includes lessons, choirs, seminars, conducting classes and regular classes. What the hell am I thinking?

Oh yeah, I don't want to be in school until I'm 30.

---------------------

Speaking of which, I'll be 23 on Tuesday. I currently have no birthday plans. Whatev. I'll drink alone damnit!

2007-01-14T10:04:00.000-08:00

THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT ALL DAY

Just random shit that keeps popping into my head.

I think people who think we're still going to find WMDs in Iraq are like 40 year olds who still believe in the tooth fairy.

Is it possible to be OCD and ADD? If you add that I'm a procrastinator and a perfectionist, I am one sick son of a bitch.

I think a surefire way to make sure your marriage succeeds is to marry someone with a cool accent. Australian, British, Southern, etc. It's pretty tough to be mad at someone when the way they say "bloody 'ell" is adorable, plus it's fun to listen to them even if they're talking about something boring.

I think people who still support Bush are like fighter pilots who just won't eject.

I like to wait until I can tell someone isn't listening to me and then say, "I want you inside me." When they say, "what was that?" I say, "Oh hey, what's up?"

When I recognized my bag at the baggage claim on Thursday, I thought, "oh, that's mine, it's got the duct tape on it."

There's no i in team... but there's also no i in sperm. Think about it.

If there's one good reason to be a 1st grade teacher, it's because you can teach kids that 2 + 4 = tomato. They don't know no better.

Speaking of that, when I have kids, I'm going to teach them that no means yes and yes means no. Just a little game I play called "screwing kids up for life".

2007-01-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

Too good to be true? Of course.

As you know, I was paid 500 dollars to write a band piece. Pretty cool.

Well, the director looked over the score and wants me to change a lot of stuff. Frick on a stick people.

What troubles me is that this is the third time I've been asked to change stuff when writing for someone else. That makes me 2-3 for getting it right the first time on paid work. Maybe I'm still new to the world of commissions, and maybe I need to pay better attention to people when they tell me what they're looking for... but is it really supposed to be like this? Aren't they paying me to get MY style?

I guess I should only worry about that when I actually like the kind of piece I'm writing. He asked me to write a traditional Sousa style march. I've never liked marches anyway. I guess I'll just change it and then never try to get it published. There goes my next two days.

Just venting people. Thanks for tuning in. We now return to your regularly scheduled shit that actually matters.

2007-01-11T23:38:00.000-08:00

BACK IN BALIMER

I flew back today. It was actually pretty nice. There were about 20 people on the plane, so I got to lay down and sleep. Then the flight got in 30 minutes early, so I had time to go grocery shopping before my rehearsal this evening.

Traveling is much more bearable when you already feel settled into both the destination and the departure point. I pretty much feel at home in both places.

That's not to say I'm not going to miss home. I am, quite a bit. I had a great time this break, seeing friends and family, settling back into my home, eating out, relaxing. It was good. Also, I think things with TS might (I emphasize might) be going somewhere, too, so it would be nice to be closer.

But. I feel more ready for school this time. I'm familiar with everything now. I'm comfortable with the work, the city, my friends, and I'm not reeling over a girl anymore. I think this is going to be a much better semester.

---------------

Thanks again for playing along in the quiz folks! It was fun.

2007-01-09T14:37:00.000-08:00

CURIOSITY QUIZ

So these are some things I'm curious about. Ladies... help me out here. (I'll tell you my feeling about these things soon). Explanations are welcomed.

1. Music during sex. Good or Bad?
2. Chest hair on guys. Should they shave it?
3. Hair down south on guys. Should they trim it?
4. Hard sex. Yay or nay?
5. Would you date someone shorter than you?
6. If you really liked someone but the sex wasn't there, would you try to teach them?
7. Do you like it when guys go down on you?
8. Would you kiss them afterward?
9. Would you do a long distance relationship?
10. How long do you wait before messing around? Sex?

Like I said, curious. If any make you uncomfortable, feel free to not answer those. Peace.

2007-01-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

ISN'T IT FUNNY?

When you think something from your past is gone for good. I mentioned First Love to TS last night when she asked about my past relationships. I didn't feel any sadness when I told her that First Love is now married to someone else. TS looked surprised, but I shrugged, it's long gone.

And then today, I go over to my parents house to use their treadmill and my dad hands me a bunch of pictures I used to keep in my wallet. He'd found them in my old room.

I go through them. A picture of my sister. Two of my best female friends from high school. A few girls I dated. ...and then her. Two pictures of First Love.

I probably stared at them for 10 minutes. Once I snapped myself out of that daze I flipped it over and read what she wrote on the back. Something cute and witty, self-depricating humor. It was just like something she would have said. I could almost hear her voice when I read it.

I've thought about who really meant the most to me in my dating life. First Love, LL, or K. It sounds like a sick competition, but it's not, it's just something I think of from time to time. This settled it. First Love meant the world to me. She will always have a piece of my heart. That love is unconditional. I pray that she's happy now. The kind of happy where she never thinks about me ever again.

2007-01-07T00:16:00.000-08:00

THE REPORT

Well... what can I say? That girl is awesome.

We had a great time. Started out the evening by watching the last few minutes of the game... her suggestion. We talked sports most of the time. Nice.

After that we got pizza. We got a little more in depth, talked about our families, made fun of our waitress (she was really cute, but sounded like she was 5), don't worry, I tipped her well to make up for it.

From there we went to blockbuster, looked around, and decided to see something at the theatre instead (where she insisted on paying to make up for dinner, a really sweet thing to do). We ended up with The Pursuit of Happyness (excellent), and had a good time.

After the movie I took her home and we chatted for a little while longer. I wanted to stay longer and keep talking, but I also didn't want to push my luck. We had a great night and I thought it better to leave on a high note... I didn't want her to think I was sticking around to try to get some action. We hugged, she asked me to call when I got home safely.

It was great. We were laughing a lot of the night and just having a great time. She makes me comfortable, and that makes it easy to joke and have a good time.

That said. I got the vibe that she is interested, but I didn't get the vibe that she wanted to try something further. She also mentioned that she'd never been in a real relationship. As far as I'm concerned, that's not all bad, because it shows a girl is picky. But. If someone's never done a relationship, they would be even less likely to do long distance. Like most career driven girls, I think she's looking for convienence in a relationship.

I won't know for sure until I talk with her a bit more.. but I'm guessing it will be a while before I see her again. It was really great, though, to get back out there and enjoy myself with a girl who actually deserves my time. It's tough to see a good oportunity pass, but somehow I think tonight will renew me.

2007-01-06T11:11:00.000-08:00

CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC

That's my current mood, not really a new thing. If it goes bad for any reason, I'm not going to dwell, if it goes well, then cool. Despite the fact that I'm writing a lot about this date this week, I'm really not so caught up with it. I'm more just glad that I have one I can be excited about (as opposed to the usual apathy), know what I mean? I am nervous... but just pre-date jitters.

Thanks all for your kind words regarding this date! You're very sweet.

2007-01-05T00:21:00.000-08:00

PSHAW.

Oh freaking hell, I'm actually nervous about Saturday. I am a dorkataur. I have no idea what I'm nervous about. Every time I start feeling this way before a date everything turns out FINE. In fact, it seems to help and I usually have a better time.

But of course, I couldn't stop the thoughts going through my head. What if I can't think of things to talk about? What if I can't find anything to do and she gets bored? Etcetera, etcetera, et-frickin-cetera.

Once I thought about it, I took a deep breath and chilled out. Even if everything goes perfectly, there's still little hope of a relationship.

G mentioned that I shouldn't knock long-distance, and I'm not. As some of you know, First Love, whom I was with for a year and a half lived about 7 hours away for most of the time we were together. In fact, we never lived in the same city.

BUT, a 7 hour drive is different than a half-country flight, and both people have to be into it. I've done long distance, and there are aspects that are very rough, but there are also good aspects to it. I was in that relationship for the long haul, but she didn't like the distance. In my experience, most girls don't.

I guess I'm just not getting my hopes up for a long-shot. However, I'm not in the "if it's meant to be, it will be" camp. I think doors are opened for us and it's up to us to walk through them. I believe it is entirely possible to miss the person you should be with because you didn't take a chance... and that's why I'm going on this date, I mean, why pass it up? You do never know.

2007-01-03T23:21:00.000-08:00

WHY?

So I met this girl right before I left for Baltimore. I was with K at the time and struggling with stuff. To be honest, I barely noticed her because of everything that was going on. She seemed sweet, but not my type, physically, conversationally, etc.

Well, apparently she was smitten. And she started sending me messages on the internet, and we had conversations back and forth through e-mail. I was upfront about the fact that I wasn't looking for anything, and she seemed to understand, but has still been entusiastic about seeing me.

I was planning on going to a movie tonight with good friends and I decided to throw her a bone and ask her to join us. And wow. Bo-ring! She didn't act like she even wanted to be there. She didn't seem to find me funny at all (maybe she's sick!). She was hardly conversational, and she all but jumped out of the car when I took her home. What the crap?

Maybe I shouldn't care, but it just seemed so weird to me. Whatever, is it Saturday yet?

---------------

P.S. We saw Rocky Balboa... I can't recommend it, but I can't say it's bad either. Some of it was done really well.. and while the dialouge wasn't high-brow, it was still genuinely sweet and emotional. You can't help but be endeared by the big sweet aging brute. Stalone does pull it off really well.

2007-01-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

I'VE GOT A DATE!

WHOO! I'll admit it, I'm excited. And that's the best part of this... I've had dates since K, but none I was excited about. This girl is fun and goofy... a dork like me. Again (for those who read before), I'm not looking to start a relationship, long distance is not a good idea... but I'm going to go on this date and enjoy it at the time.

She lives about an hour and a half from KC, so I'm driving out there Saturday... Whether I stay the night is in the air... We'll see (no sex people, calm down :) )

To give you a little more of the story, she is at MU, studying accounting. She's in the last year of a master's program. When she graduates she's moving to Chicago for a job. Her parents live in DC though, which is a 30 or so minute drive from my apartment in Baltimore. My hope is that if things work out we can keep up a friendship and see if there's ever a chance in the future. It's a longshot, of course, but why not try? Nothing to lose, I think.

It's nice to be excited for a date again. I don't get this way very often, so it's a good sign. Here's to hoping Saturday goes well!

2007-01-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

CLASSICAL MUSIC?

Admittedly, Pacelbel's Canon is one of my guilty pleasures when it comes to classical music... but this guy is pretty good.

Now this is just awesome.

Mozart's Requiem, the Dies Irae movement. One of the greatest pieces from the classical period (IMHO), used in a very interesting way.

2007-01-01T01:11:00.000-08:00

MY NEW YEARS

So the plan is to hang out with my two best friends, and go to another friend's party where there are three single girls we are to meet (friend 1 has a gf, but just coming along) Sounds good.

Friend 1 bails. Apparently he and his girlfriend just broke up and he's going to be talking to her all night on the phone. I know, doesn't make sense to me either... but he wouldn't lie to me.

Friend 2 bails. Sort of. He wanted to bring 12 friends to a party where I didn't know anyone. I said no. He said he's staying with his friends. Whatever.

Go to the party alone... it's alright, I know friend HH and her new boyfriend that I like.

Get there, and chat it up with HH's friends, HH, her boyfriend, and others... good time.

End up really clicking with one of HH's friends. Like, really clicking. Apparently HH was trying to hook us up. She's got good taste. This girl is the perfect body type, and has a hilarious, goofy sense of humor. Awesome! I got the digits, and she seemed really interested.

Took HH home, she's a really good friend and it was great to talk to her. She gives me a VERY unexpected kiss as I leave (she knew I wanted a new years kiss and that it didn't happen). It was sweet, and totally a friend thing.

On the way home, barely avoided a head on collision with a drunk driver. You read right. Fucking asshole almost killed me. Coming straight at me in the wrong lane, I barely had time to swerve because there was a car in front of me and I didn't see it until it was almost too late.

So, cop instinct (dad's an officer), I pull a U-turn, got that fucker's plate #, found a cop and reported it. I hope they got 'em and he spends his new years in a 10 x 10 cell with a big fat guy who thinks he's got a purdy mouth.

And here I am, 3 AM and feeling good that I met an awesome girl. I have no dellusions of starting anything now... but it makes me feel really good to connect with someone so quickly. She's an awesome girl and I'm really hoping to keep up a friendship... who knows, maybe there's something there in the future... there were fireworks.

2006-12-31T13:03:00.000-08:00

HNT VOTE

So, just like Vix, I'm hoping to find out which of these three HNTs from this year you like the best. I have a favorite, and I'm curious if it's the same as everyone elses...

2006-12-30T23:01:00.000-08:00

MEME

Ganked with pride from Vix!

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?

Moved far, far away. Gave a public recital of only my music. Directed a college level large ensemble. Got a paying job as a performer. ...and oh yeah, TOTALLY tried anal.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My New Year's resolution was to try anal.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Probably one of my exes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Definetly one of my exes. She learned HER lesson.

5. What countries did you visit?

Maryland.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

Poonanny.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory?

Graduation. Moving day. That day I found that snickers bar in the couch and it was still good.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Graduation. Getting into awesome school. That day I found that snickers bar in the couch and it was still good.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Oh jeez, there's lots.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Just a little rash downstairs. Anti-biotics cleared it right up.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My now deceased digital camera. Rest in Peace Canon Powershot 550.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I'll go with the G-rents for chipping in to make grad school happen.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

K did... but I'm really in a better place with that now.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Porn.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

...porn.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2006?

Hmm... probably the shit-tastic piece we sang in choir OVER and OVER and OVER again every day for the entire semester. It gives me nightmares.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? The same.
thinner or fatter? Thinner currently, I fluctuate.
richer or poorer? I'm richer in porn!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

C'mon questionaire... you're making this way too easy to be dirty.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

procrastinating!

20. How will you be spending New Years?

Good motherfucking question!

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

A few friends from home when I moved... and roxanne at that 900 number.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?

Jury's out... but it doesn't matter now anyway.

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

Sigh. One. I'm an idiot.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

SCRUBS!!!!!!!!!!!

Quotes (from memory)

"People are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling" - Dr. Kelso

"I wasn't hiding... I was... um... I was... *sigh* I was looking for my dignity" - Elliot
"Did you find it?" - J.D.
"...No." - Elliot

"Son, have you ever used drugs?" - Dr. Kelso
"Drugs? No sir! Never tried them." - Kid
"..because this shot I'm about to give you will kill you if mixed with narcotics." - Dr. Kelso
"Drugs? Oh yes sir, use them all the time!" - Kid

"Todd, I am sick of all your sexual innuendo!" - Nurse
".... .... ... InYOURendo!" - The Todd

"Hey man, you were really impressive in the shower this morning... you know, dong-wise." - The Todd

"Ah, uncomfortable silences and alcohol. Just like thanksgiving at home." - J.D.

"Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?" - Elliot
"No, Barbie... It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns." - Dr. Cox

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

"What if?" - A book about what might have been had pivitol battles and wars gone the other way. Fascinating stuff people. Fascinating... hey, where's everybody going?

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Oh my, too many to list... both for myself and other musicians.

28. What did you want and get?

Poonanny!

29. What did you want and not get?

A girl or two, some really good friendships in Baltimore (a discussion for another day)

30. What were your favorite films of this year?

V for Vendetta, Lady in the Water, Pirates 2, Batman Begins!!!, and many more I can't recall.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 22 on Jan. 23... and I can't remember! I think I spent it with my family. At the strip club (you can't touch the dancers grandpa!).

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Probably more performances of my music, nothing more satisfying than that.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

I classed it up a little... bought some more dress shirts, wore them tucked in with jeans or slacks. Got a nice black peacoat, some well fitting sweaters.

34. What kept you sane?

Blogging, my music, my friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Kiera Knightly, Jennifer Connelly, Jude Law (I want to look like him, not do him)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

OMG, that fucking douche that's running our country. My friends, he is a liar. He is a war mongerer, and if one more person tells me he "has good intentions" I'm going to smack them so hard they'll think Dick Cheney shot them.

There are only two words that justify keeping soon-to-be-former president Bush in office.

President Cheney

"Hey, did Iran just look at us the wrong way? Nuke 'em!"

37. Who did you miss?

My best friend and a couple other good friends.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Probably my current choir director and good friend. Just a genuinely kind, humble, talented person.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.

When she asks if you know what a rimjob is, say NO THANK YOU.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

Lyrics don't inspire me... and I can never find ones that fit me perfectly - only ones that remind me of my situations. I would say that a lot of Snow Patrol and Damien Rice captured that the best.

------------------

So it's been awhile since I've posted... sorry! I do have stories from this week, nothing amazing, but some good stuff going on. I'll fill ya'll in soon!

2006-12-27T00:34:00.000-08:00

MOVIES N' MORE

Not having cable here at the house has brought about the need for another form of entertainment. The internet does, in fact, get old (said the junkie).

I just finished watching V For Vendetta for a second time. I can't recommend this movie enough. For those who loved the first The Matrix, you'll love this more (and it's made by the same writer/directors). It nearly made me cry.

---------------

I have been spending some much needed (and debateably deserved) relaxation time. Besides going to the gym, I've hardly left the house for two days. I've been drinking beer and playing video games. It's WONDERFUL. I'll get tired of it pretty quickly though, and it will be back to work that requires brain power.

---------------

A while ago I adopted a policy of not making the first move unless I really felt the girl wanted me to. All my life I've strived to never make a girl feel pressured to do anything she didn't want to. I like to think I've succeeded.

This does, however, cause some problems.

I think that women expect men to pine after them. They expect that a man will ask her out on a date, move in for a kiss, try to take things further. Unfortunately, I don't like to do those things unless I feel like I've been invited to do so, and I take great effort in making sure I don't misinterpret a signal.

Why am I telling you this? I don't know. I think the way I act around women makes them think I'm not interested. That's not the case. I am, I just don't want to be that guy. The creepy one who they don't feel comfortable around. I want to be the one who was a gentleman from the start.

I'm starting to wonder if I should rethink my "strategy" (for lack of a better term). I think it's making me miss oportunities...

2006-12-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

WISHING YOU A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS

Professor - Well... I WOULD wish for you to be back in civilization, to spend time with your family, to eat and go shopping at all your favorite places again... but you already got that wish! Shoot!

Alright then, I wish for you to have some fantastic sex, fantastic coffee, and some fantastic shoes!

Suri - I think I'm wishing you the same thing everyone else is, peace of mind. I haven't known you for long, but I know the heartache well. I wish for you to get what closure you need, in whatever form it comes, so you can move on and love and be loved by another. You deserve it.

Bree - I don't know much of what's going on now, but I know there is (or was) some romantic trouble going on. I wish for you to do what's right for you, and no one else... whatever that is.

Vix - What can I say? You're blessed beyond words, and I could not possibly be any happier for you. You give me hope, and you give me the strength to know I have to do what's right for me.

I wish for you only continued happiness, good running weather, that hot santa baby outfit, and for the love of God, DIET COKE!!!!

2006-12-24T00:34:00.000-08:00

COMBATIVE GIRLS

So I was recently chatting with a friend from back home while in Baltimore. She had pretty obviously been interested in me at one point last year. I was somewhat interested as well, and we hung out in groups a few times. She's cute, a good musician, funny... well...

First time - She tried too hard. She talked the entire time, and throughout most of the movie. While some of it was funny, it got old pretty fast.

Second time - She didn't talk to me at all. I felt like she was mad at me.

So, obviously I didn't see it going anywhere. Luckily, I hadn't led her on, and I simply moved on.

Well. We're chatting, and for some reason she brings up that short period where we were hanging out. She says that I shot her down. I'm a bit taken back... and all I can muster is, "well, I had a lot of things going on then." Before I can finish, she says, "excuses, excuses."

Huh? It felt like she'd been holding that in for over a year and was just looking to get it out.

I've gone through similar experiences very recently with two other girls. Girls who confronted me about the fact that I'm not interested in them.

First was KC's full night argument about the fact that I held her hand once. Sigh. Then this girl. Then a girl from back home I went to a movie with. I never kissed even kissed any of these girls.

What the HELL?

I will NEVER understand how anyone could think this is going to solve anything. I will never feel bad about the fact that I'm not interested in someone emotionally. That's the way the world works. It sucks, but it's not my fault. It's not first love's fault that she didn't love me back. Why would I be mad at her about that? No one can help the way they feel.

Are they trying to make me feel bad? Are they expecting an apology? Do they want to "win" a moral victory? Do they think that confronting me will make me like them? I just don't understand what they think they will gain.

If I could look past all the things that K did to hurt me and still try to be her friend. If I could look past the ...past and not look to argue with her about it, why the hell do these girls think they can yell at me?

-----------------------

I was recently talking to KC about her new boyfriend. They were together after a week of dating, and two weeks after that are saying 'I love you' to one another. I think my brain just EXPLODED.

...anyway, she said, "are you ok with us dating?", to which I replied, "why wouldn't I be?" She says, "because of what happened between us." Folks, I can't stress this enough. Nothing happened. I held back an outburst of laughter, looked her straight in the eyes and said, "I'll manage."

-----------------------

How do I keep ending up with these kinds of girls? My guess - I'm looking for a woman, but girls keep finding me.

2006-12-23T01:07:00.000-08:00

WORST 3 DAYS EVER

Well not really, but man alive, I never want to go this long without the net again.

------------

My flight home was delayed an hour... not too bad. I always seem to miss out on sitting next to the hot girls on the plane and end up with the redneck who asks me about my laptop for 3 hours.

I don't want to seem like a snob, he was a nice guy... but damnit, I want to sit next to a hottie.

-----------

I'm in my old house now and... oh my good lord, it's amazing. Something about this place... I don't get it at my parents house, and I don't get it at my apartment... this is HOME. It's beautiful, it's comfortable, and it's the product of 2 years of hard work.

It's not exactly the same without my furniture of course, but the memories CONTINUALLY flood back. So much happened here. I had parties here, I said goodbye to my choir here, I lost my virginity here.

I don't want to leave.

-----------

I'm working at my old job for a few days. It's very very busy, and I get to deal with trashy co-workers (I don't mind saying it... really only one in particular) and irate customers. It's funny, I used to let them get to me. Now, I just smile and let my eyes glaze over as their attitude goes in one ear and out the other. After which I calmly look them in the eyes and say, "...I'm sorry, I didn't catch all of that, but as I was saying..." Hahahahahaha, I love not caring anymore.

-----------

Went on a double blind date tonight. One of my best friends always hooks me up... he's a great guy. It was fun, but I think mostly because he and his date were there. I don't see anything coming of it.

And oh yeah, they're all mormon... which is fine, I think they're great people (there is a big mormon population here...), but it does make one feel a bit out of the loop in conversation...

-----------

BIG NEWS: I have tentative plans to hang out with the hot german teacher. OH MY DEAR LORD. If I could only describe to you the level of fantasy that this reaches for me... excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom for about 5 minutes....

2006-12-20T12:45:00.000-08:00

LEAVING

Just an update, I'm leaving for the airport in about 15 minutes and probably won't be able to get on the net for a few days (I'll go f'n crazy!). I'm not sure how long actually, who knows.

Take care, and love ya'll!

2006-12-19T17:46:00.000-08:00

BAD NEWS

Do you ever have one of those moments when you're not sure if you should be mad or not?

Today, I found out that the guy I picked to replace me as the choir director at my old church is being replaced. He was somewhat of a friend, but more of an acquaintance. I think he is a nice guy, but he tended to take things that choir members said too much to heart (there are some real bastards in the group), and he also didn't pick out enough fun music for the choir to sing. He was more of a classical guy, and while that's fine in some places, it doesn't work at that church.

I think, in the end, it's probably the right call for them. Here's what bothered me.

The pastor supposedly told him that had I still been there, this would have happened anyway, because they've been trying to get this new guy for several years.

WTF?

I BUSTED my ass at that place. The choir loved me. The congregation loved me. I picked out a really good blend of traditional and contemporary music, and I made sure the choir sounded awesome on all of it. I was a leader, despite my age. If he really had fired me to bring in someone else, I would have LOST it.

BUT, he didn't. In fact, he could have just been saying that to the new guy to make him feel better. Right? I don't know, and now I can't decide whether or not to be pissed. The very NOTION of them firing me when I poured so much heart and soul into that job just infuriates me. Crazy right?

I know, I know. I'm going to go take my happy pills and stare at the wall for a few hours.

-------------------

Editor's note (11:00 pm): My day is suddenly going better thanks to the fact that I just wrote an entire band piece in a day. A freakin' day people! I haven't been writing quickly for a while now and I can't tell you how good it feels to be (at least a little) prolific again.

Granted I'll still have to make some edits and other minor details, but the bulk of the work is done. Easiest $500 I ever made!

2006-12-18T20:16:00.000-08:00

HEADING HOME

EE asked a while back and I forgot to mention that, yes, I am heading home for the holidays. For quite a while in fact, about three weeks.

I'm sharing a cab with KC (chick drives me LOCO) to head to the airport on Wednesday and then I'm working at one of my old jobs for the few days before Christmas.

The big plus here is that my old home, the one I loved SO MUCH, has not yet been sold, so that's where I'm going to be staying this break. WHOO! I feel a bit bad for my parents, who I could tell wanted me to stay with them. BUT, I got a nice big dose of that over Thanksgiving, and I'm saying no thanks.

It's not that I don't enjoy being around them, I do. BUT,

1. I miss my house a lot. I have a lot of memories from there and moreso, it's MINE. I want to be there.
2. I can't get as much work done at my parents place.
3. Being at their place makes me feel like I'm in high school again.
4. I'm going to be there plenty anyways to work out and do family stuff.

Not to mention I really can't bring a girl back to my parents place (not that I'm expecting that, but should it happen...).

-------------------

In other news. I'm proud to say that I really feel like I'm turning a corner and moving on. I can't say that it's any one thing, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's mainly just time. I realized it a day or two ago when I realized how little I'd thought of K lately. Moreso, when I do, there is almost no emotion left. Anger or otherwise.

Like I've said before, if there's one thing I've had going for me, it's that I've fallen hard before and managed to pick myself back up and move on. It makes it take much less time when it happens again.

I don't think my daily demeanor has changed at all, but my outlook on dating is much more optomistic, and I just don't feel that weight on my shoulders anymore. That's the biggest thing.

----------------

I did have lunch with a very sweet girl on Sunday and got her number. I don't know if anything is going on there yet, but I am more intrigued than usual... I also asked out another girl, but she was leaving for break the next day. We have plans to hang out when I get back. Good things. Good things.

2006-12-16T19:48:00.000-08:00

HNT.. NEVER ON TIME

If you haven't realized by now, you probably should - I tend to do things on my own schedule. So here's a HNT pic I took today. I've been taking better care of myself in just the last 2 or 3 weeks and I'm starting to see some improvement... my goal is a ripped midsection (the one thing I've never had!)

(Editor's note: I am NOT actually this white. I am forced to once again use my camera phone, which makes me seem even more pale)

2006-12-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

I'M CRAZY

We all are. A friend was recently talking about this. He reached the conclusion that everyone is crazy, it pretty much just comes down to how well you hide it.

So, that admitted, here is my crazy view of the perfect woman, and what that translates to in what I look for physically.

First, she must be intelligent. Physically, to me, this usually means glasses.

She must be strong, physically this translates to short hair.

She must, at the same time, be elegant and womanly (not GIRLy)... physically this translates to being slender and graceful.

Finally, there has to be something different about her. Personality, sense of humor, something has to set her apart. Things that usually set a girl apart physically for me is fair skin, red hair, etc.

Like I've said before, this stuff never keeps me from dating around... but they are the things that turn me on the most.

P.S. Notice that Kiera Knightly comes up a lot in these pictures. That's because I love her and want to have her babies.

2006-12-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

100 things about meme
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Color the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don’t COLOR (left in black) is false.

I'm stepping this up a notch, green is a little true, yellow is halfway true, and red is really really true. Why the ef not?

01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don’t watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I’ve tried marijuana
09. I’ve watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have had sex with a member of the same sex.
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I’m really, really smart
21. I’ve never broken someone’s bones (funny story...)
22. I have had an affair with a married person
23. I hate the rain
24. I’m paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe and free of cost.
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/nails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look a lot of the time
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to do cornrows
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot (not no more...)
45. I contribute my all at work
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I feel my life is pretty complete
49. I want a relationship with someone I can't have
50. I have gotten more than 1 ticket in the last year
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in PJ pants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I’m snobby and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I’m obsessed with shoes.
58. I don’t hate anyone
59. I’m a pretty good dancer
60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I prefer to work alone
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I am willing to try any type of new food
68. I have a fear of flying
69. I have never been to a big concert
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I’ve called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I’m not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I think I know more than I really do
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I’m online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I’ve been to Europe.
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or friend
88. I enjoy some country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s "Children’s Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend’s ex
99. I’m happy as of this moment
100. I need to get laid
101. I need to get laid
102. I need to get laid
103. I need to get laid
104. I need to get laid
105. I need to get laid

2006-12-14T14:51:00.000-08:00

THURSDAY THIRTEEN

Last weeks was a little dirty, so here's the counter-balance,

Thirteen romantic moments I (still) love.

1. When she opens the door, decked out before a nice date.
2. The first time we hold hands.
3. When we hug and she buries her face in my chest.
4. When we hug and she buries her face in my neck.
5. Feeling our cheeks lightly touch when we kiss.
6. Placing my hand lightly on the small of her back as we walk.
7. When we're sitting next to each other at dinner and she kisses my neck.
8. When she traces patterns on my chest as we lay in bed.
9. When she sits on my lap and kisses me.
10. When she straddles me as we talk.
11. Feeling her weight on top of me when I lie on my stomach.
12. Coming up behind her and wrapping my arms around her as I kiss her neck...
13. Feeling her run her hands through my hair and grab the back of my neck as I do.

2006-12-13T19:04:00.000-08:00

POST #100

It would be prudent, since this is my 100th post, to do the 100 things about me meme.

But I don't wanna.

Instead, I'll tell you a bit about my day and then do a different meme. Suck it, prudent.

----------------

I think it's funny that every time it seems I'm having a shitty day, something happens that keeps me from getting to bask in the glow of my own pissyness. For instance.

I was already having a fairly crappy day. I'm tired from staying up till 4 working on a project (which still isn't done), from having a long day, and I'm about to go sing in a choir concert that I really don't want to sing in, with a growing headache to boot.

Then my friend calls at 6:55 and reminds me that I was supposed to call her at 4 to help with one of her final projects. I've been helping her with it all semester at no personal gain, and never thought much of it, but tonight she chewed me out because apparently it's due tomorrow and she can't meet tonight after the concert.

Obviously she never told me either of these things, or I wouldn't have forgot.

So I storm off to the concert, hurt that I've just been spit in the face by someone I've been helping, and try to make it through without ripping someone's head off. I see her afterwards and instead of a real apology she just acts like it wasn't a big deal. I had to really hold back.

But then, on the walk home, this sweet asian guy (that I've always suspected...) ran up to me and asked me for my phone number. Ha! I'm not homophobic in the least, but it always catches me off guard a bit. The sudden realization of what was happening completely took my focus off how pissed I was.

So, moral of the story: when life hands you lemons... go find a gay guy?

------------------

1. I've come to realize that my family...

is a bunch of dorks, just like me, and I love them for it.

2. I am listening to...

nothing, I enjoy silence fairly often, being constantly bombarded with music here.

3. I talk...

not much, even around those I know. I'm quiet and calm, and only get more quiet when I'm angry.

4. I love...

family, piano, beer, girls, sex, my career, sex, did I say sex? sex, the internet, food, myself (in the good way, not the cocky way), Martial arts (betcha didn't know), lying next to someone you actually want to be lying next to.

5. My best friend...

can be a douche, but I love him.

6. My first kiss was...

unexpected and not very special.

7. I lost my virginity...

to someone I loved very much and feel vindicated for waiting as long as I did.

8. I hate it when people...

can't let shit go, are drama queens, yell, get worked up over nothing, end answers without punctuation

9. Love is...

Something that I still believe in, despite it all.

10. Marriage is...

something that I still plan on being a part of my life.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking...

“I need another beer" - oh, that's me.

12. I'll always...

Remember the ones that matter.

13. I have a secret crush on...

A few girls at school, hopefully they won't be secret too long.

14. The last time I cried was because...

of LL, 2 years ago.

15. My cell phone...

Is too fancy for my own good.

16. When I wake up in the morning...

I'm grumpy as shit.

17. Before I go to sleep at night...

I have to wind down.

18. Right now I am thinking about...

“I need another beer"

19. Babies are...

Delicious with honey mustard.

20. Today I...

told you already, get off me.

21. Tonight I will...

drink and try to forget.

22. Tomorrow I will...

rinse and repeat.

23. I really want...

a successful career, a partner I truly love, you know, the classics.

2006-12-11T22:58:00.000-08:00

OH GET THE FUCK OVER IT

I have extreme despise for a certain attitude... and if you're my friend and you end up being one of these people, I'll let you know.

People get offended. Of course. Everyone grows up with different values and morals. So if I call someone retarded, that's not offensive to me, but it may be offensive to someone else.

Here's the problem. When you make a HUGE deal out of the fact that you're offended. When you make it a point to make the person who has offended you feel like SHIT for trying to make a joke (for example). When you make it a point to apologize to everyone around in the name of the person who has said the offensive words... Well... that makes you a douche.

Sorry if that word offends you.

example

I had a friend in a class in my undergrad. He is gay. I could not care less. At some point I was talking on the phone to a mutual friend. I said Phil (name changed) was in the room. Person on the phone said "Phil who?" I said, "you know, Phil", person on phone said, "no I don't, which Phil?" and I said, "gay Phil."

I figured this was fine because everyone knows he's gay, and there really weren't any other distinguishing factors about him. If he were black, I would have said "black Phil." Who cares? Well, he threw a tizzie, and continued to lecture me on it for months.

oooohhh that pissed me off. I finally went off in front of several people, the following is a true recounting -

me - "fine Phil, do you want me to apologize?"
Phil - "yes, that would be nice."
me - "fine. I'm sorry that you can't be comfortable enough with who you are to let people say it out loud, and I'm sorry that you probably can't take a fucking joke. Grow up."

Other examples include me using the word dyke as a joke, making a rather mild joke about someone's mom (who had just made a joke about mine), and a girl who slapped me for saying that her friend who was missing his front teeth would thus be better at french kissing. She was just making fun of him for the same thing, but apparently I crossed the line, and that could only be righted with violence.

Have I ever been offended? I can think of a very small number of times where I felt someone crossed my line of acceptibility. One was a holocaust joke, the other was when a friend said a very mean thing about another very nice friend. What did I do? I just didn't laugh, because it wasn't funny to me... but as far as I'm concerned, those people can go on saying those things to anyone else they want. I don't care.

And no one should. If you don't find something funny, that's understandable, but don't ruin everyone else's fun. If you're in a situation where you might be repeatedly subjected to something that makes you uncomfortable, tell the person like an adult. Politely and privately.

Just remember, every time you try to censor someone with a guilt trip, Donald Rumsfeld kills a kitten.

2006-12-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

AUDIBLE SIGH

I wish I had some real stuff to blog on... but I don't. Not much has changed since earlier this week.

I studied for all of about 15 minutes for a final tomorrow. I don't know what my deal is... but I do feel quite prepared. It's a pass fail class and I'm pretty sure I've got an A... still, a little reckless.

-----------------------

I did reconnect with an OLD ex... of about 6 or 7 years ago (I had to pause and do the math, we're talkin' high school here). That's a little crazy. She's studying law near home and will be home for Christmas, I'm hoping to maybe get together and see what things are like between us. She wasn't ever the "what if" girl... but I find that I do think of her from time to time. She seems to have changed, and I know I have. I'm not holding my breath, but who knows? It's probably the most potential I have right now.

It honestly makes me really curious. Two people change a LOT from what they were like in high school... does the dynamic between them change? ..or do they revert when they're around each other? I don't know... if nothing else it will be a fun social experiment.

Did I mention she is DROP DEAD gorgeous? No? Didn't mention that? Yeah... RAWR.

2006-12-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

UPDATE

Okey dokey. What day is it?

Oh right, Thursday, here I go.

-------------------

I finally broke up with that snarky bitch, blind date girl. I'm not gonna lie, I was only in it for the booty, and it was pretty tough to do... but she said yet another thing that pissed me off and I just did it right that second. I think she thinks she broke up with me, but luckily I'm not in the 8th grade and I don't care who "wins". (Besides, I win cause I don't have to see her again. Ha!)

-------------------

One of the groups at the school played my piece last night in concert and it went very well. I got all kinds of compliments, and I really felt good about it. It's nice to get your name out there among your colleauges.

-------------------

The semester is winding down, which means I am gearing up for tests, papers, and projects. Not my favorite time of year. The next two weeks should be very busy.

-------------------

I find that when I'm busy, I'm usually up late a lot. That's a tough thing. Never do you feel more alone than at 3 AM.

In general I feel fairly alone here. My friends have started pairing off into couples (some pretty bizarre pairings too!) and turning down invitations to dinner and such. I don't really take it personally, I haven't known these people very long, but it would be nice to have 1 person, male or female, that I could really trust.

I had two really great guy friends back home that, if worst came to worst, would have been there for me through anything. I think just knowing that was there helped, and I do miss it.

-------------------

As I play the dating game more, I wonder. I've had intense feelings three times in my life. One of those I would really describe as love, the others were certainly close, but I needed more time. None of those women felt as strongly about me. They all liked me a lot. But it wasn't the same.

In all of those cases, I was pretty much hooked from the start. With the first two, my initial impression (the source of so much of the chemistry) was right on. I think with K, I saw what she wanted me to see at first. But... that's not the point, the point is - I know what I'm really attracted to, what's going to make me see stars and make sparks fly... it is:

A strong personality, strong convictions and a sense of humor that compliments mine (someone who laughs at my stupid jokes and makes me laugh).

These are the three things that the women had in common.

What worries me is that I see women like this around. The kind of girls I know I fall for, and I shy away. I have yet to really work on talking to any of them, instead I tend to focus on what I think are attainable girls. Cute, nice, smart... but no real chemistry. I think I might be in a rut here, and I'm not sure what to do.

2006-12-04T23:02:00.000-08:00

My NEW camera is acting up, so this might be the last HNT for a while.... so I decided to put it up early. I swear on everything good, if I have to buy another camera I'm going to choke somebody.

2006-12-04T19:13:00.000-08:00

MEME

Professor ganked this from Redneck Nerdboy... OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED PROFESSOR.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship. I like to think it's because God has a sick sense of humor.

2. When was the last time you shaved? Face: Today - Chest: Yesterday - Pubes: about a week.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Hahahahahahahahahaha - sleeping, that will always be the answer.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Porn.

5. Are you any good at math? Actually yeah, I think most composers (or music theoriticians) are.

6. Your prom night? Sucked... at least my date was hot, so good pictures.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors? Apparently one is a pirate... Which makes me so happy I could cry.

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? Nopers.

9. Do you know the words to the song on your Myspace profile? My myspace profile is for my music... and no.

10. Last thing received in the mail? Porn.

11. How many different beverages have you had today? 3 - Water, milk and virgin blood. (ok, that's a joke, I'd never drink milk)

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine? I try to think of the most fucked up things I could possibly say.

13. Whom did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? Green Day I believe...

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? With my PEE.

15. What was the most painful dental procedure you have had? HAHA, first love knocked out half of each of my two front teeth by accident a few years ago. Getting it fixed SUCKED.

16. What is out your back door? Are you asking me if I'm up for anal?

17. Any plans for Friday night? Plan: 5 pm - drink; 6 pm - start calling girls to try to make plans; 6:15 pm - get frustrated and drink more; 7 pm - take a wicked pee, say screw it, and go to the bars; 7:01 pm - take a good luck drink; 7:15 pm - arrive at bars, nerps frozen solid; 7:30 pm - get refused service on account of slurred speech; 8:00 pm - after 30 minutes of rehearsal in back of bar, finally get another PBR; 8:30 pm - end up at home watching sci-fi, 9:00 pm - cry self to sleep.

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? Makes it ...salty? What a weird question.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Eww... yes. I promptly and uncontrollably yelled, "DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME GANDMA?!?"

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? No... I really want to make out in one like in all the movies.

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? I take it one step further and re-use toilet paper.

22. Some things you are excited about? My music being played, scrubs being back on the air, it being winter, boobies.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Chocolate pudding, eaten off my naked body.

24. Describe your keychain(s). A human pinky.

25. Where do you keep your change? In my hope chest.

26. What kind of winter coat do you own? Some kick ass peacoats that honestly make me look pretty studly.

27. What was the weather like on your graduation day? Who cares? I was done, bitch!

28. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? I sleep naked, so open in the hopes a horny supermodel will walk by.

2006-12-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

CURRENTLY

I'm a bit stressed. I'm writing an orchestra piece for my project this semester. I've written other works of this orchestrational size, but not of this magnitude. I honestly don't think it's going to be done in 2 weeks, and I'm never had this happen before, so I'm not sure what to do.

I refuse to get it done fast just to have it done.... luckily I think I have the kind of professor who will respect that mentality.

--------------

Dating world (always a fun topic). Blind date girl has become nothing more than a booty call, and I really don't mind keeping her on standby for just that. I actually tried more than once to see if there was more there, and each time she said or did something really bitchy and reminded me why I don't need that shit. Example:

A week ago, I met up with K. Everything went fine there, but when I got to the airport afterward, I couldn't help feeling lonely. I hadn't talked to blind date girl in a week and actually missed her. I called her to tell her that, and (with friends in her car) she immediately responded, "missed me, or missed the sex?" What a bitch! She apologized the next day, but by that point I was over it. She's blown her chance if she's looking for anything more, cause she pulls that stuff regularly.

--------------

I've started a new venture. Online personals. Yeah, I know, LAME. The jury's still out, because I just started it 2 days ago. So far I've only contacted 2 girls, and haven't heard anything back. Not concerned, but somewhat curious to see if this could actually turn anything of interest up.

I also might be meeting a girl from DC for a semi-set up. We have a good mutual friend back home and started talking on Facebook. She's super-cute. I asked her to Coffee, I should hear back by tomorrow...

Oh, and funny story. The jailbait girl from choir asked me out today. AWW! She knows how old I am, it must've taken so much guts... I wish she was a year older! She's a sweet girl, so I said we could go to lunch after church next week, but don't freak out, I'm not a pedophile - it's just lunch. She's fun and I'm sure can be a friend.

So... it's nice to have a little bit of prospect on the horizon.

---------------

Anybody remember KC? The crazy girl who'd never had a boyfriend and thought she fell in love with me? SHE'S GOT A NEW BOYFRIEND! Yes! You seriously don't know how good this is for me. All I've been hearing from various friends for the last 2 months is "I talked to KC today. She talked about you the whole time."

*creepy*

So finally, she's found someone else. She actually is a nice girl, and he's a nice guy, and I'm happy for her. I saw her today signing a note in both their names... hahahahahahaha, it said, "thanks for so and so, KC and _____". If I ever dated a girl who did that within 2 weeks of us starting to date, I would run so fast my clothes would still be in place like a looney tunes cartoon. I have 50 bucks that says they get married.

2006-11-30T23:30:00.000-08:00

13...

It's technically Friday, so whatever.

13 moments I love in the bedroom. (it's cause I'm horny, this one ain't for the kiddies)

1. When she bites my lip.

2. Her tounge and breath in my ear.

3. When she straddles me when we're making out.

4. When I realize she's not stopping with kissing my stomach.

5. When I say I'm going to go and she just goes faster.

6. Picking her up and carrying her to the bedroom.

7. When we're too horny to make it all the way to the bed and have to settle for the floor.

8. Feeling her ankles on the back of my thighs.

9. Grabbing her shoulders for leverage.

10. Being all the way in and pushing just a little further.

11. When she puts her hands on my chest as I go faster.

12. Being too spent afterward to take a shower.

13. Kissing her neck as I hold her from behind.

Yeah. Cold shower time.

2006-11-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

TAKIN' MY SWEET ASS TIME

So it's been a while. Again. I'm trying, it's just not happening.

Big news is: I went to coffee with K. Now let me start by saying thanks for your thoughts and opinions on the issue, and I probably would have said the same thing.

That said, it went fine. We met, hugged, caught up, talked about future plans, hugged, and left. About an hour and a half or so.

Believe it or not, I do want to be this girl's friend. I don't want to have let someone in to my life SO much and not even have a friendship to show for it. I don't want anyone to be so important to me and in a matter of days never speak to them again. It's not what I want. It's happened before with women I deeply cared about, and it's the part that makes me the most sad.

So, all in all, I think I'm doing the mature thing. I'm moving past her mistakes and my heartbreak to try to find a meaningful relationship. I have hope that it will only make continued recovery faster, and that I'm smart enough not to let feelings re-emerge.

--------------------

Blind date girl. Pisses me off. I'm quite sure I'm going to end this one soon.

Like I said, I'm checking out other girls a lot. Which is fine, we're not together, but I think we've been dating long enough that it might make her mad now.

--------------------

Good career stuff is on the horizon. I got a 500 dollar commission last week to write a short piece, that will hopefully result in some more (and more lucrative) work. I've also agreed to write a piece for a soprano soloist who is a fairly big name in the music business. Pro bono, but should be worth it. I've got a big performance and recording session coming up this week and next with a trio at the school. And, my church choir is recording a new piece I wrote for them.

It's not exactly career affirming stuff, but it's a step in the right direction, and that makes me as happy as anything.

Cheers!

2006-11-21T22:36:00.000-08:00

SOMEBODY STOP ME

I find myself thinking a lot as I drive around here. It's tough, being home again, only a short drive from K.

Why do I want to call? It's not romantic feelings, those are dead. I guarantee. I think I'm just looking to earn back some respect somehow. Maybe I want her to see that I'm fine without her, and that I'm mature enough to be friends.

That all seems silly to me, I shouldn't be worried about what she thinks about... anything, but I can't shake the feeling that I want to call.

--------------

All that leaves me wondering. What's the point? Why is it that we feel the need to be with someone? Why do I feel like I can't truly be happy until I find someone? I remember that line from Jerry McGuire, "You complete me."

"We should all be complete on our own," I think... why can't I believe it?

Food for thought. What is more mature - hope of finding someone - or - being happy with what you have? I don't think there's a right answer, but I'm sticking with hope.

2006-11-20T22:55:00.000-08:00

HOME

hmm... a lot has gone on since last Thursday. Looks like it's time for a summary update.

Friday - Went to a 2 1/2 hour long piano concert of modern art music. Sigh. Came back to my place with blind date girl. Drunken sex ensued. Good day.

Saturday - Drove blind date girl home to New Jersey. Having limited East Coast geography knowledge, I didn't plan on a 3 hour drive. Oh well. It wasn't all bad, I met her family, who are very sweet, and had a good time generally.

Sunday - Had lunch after church with the director of the choir. He's about 30, and gay. He's a genuinely nice guy, and a good friend. He mentioned something about setting me up with some girls, or maybe his 26 year old sister. YES! He's a good looking guy and I'm hoping it runs in the family...

Then flew home.

Today - Met up at the gym with old friends and had lunch. Then drove an hour this evening to sing in a friends grandmother's funeral. Saw many folks from my undergrad, including a favorite professor. It was nice, except for K's ex-boyfriend (the one right before me) was there. It was awkward, to say the least.

-----------

So, what's up with blind date girl you ask?

I'm not sure.

I find myself developing more feelings for her as we go on, yet I continue to get red flags left and right. I enjoy being around her... it's comfortable, and it's nice to feel that way around a woman again, yet I know it won't last.

I don't know what to do. I find us doing relationship-type things, and it doesn't freak me out, per se... but I think that deep down, the chemistry isn't there.

I know this, yet I'm comfortable. I'm leaning towards ending this soon.... mainly because I don't want to miss another opportunity because I'm with her. And I mean, come on, I'm still checking out other girls constantly... not a good sign.

--------------

Being home is nice. I haven't exactly figured out yet where I belong in this world, but it's nice to have a place that makes me so comfortable.

I'm going to catch up with a lot of friends this week and enjoy a chance to be more social for a change (from recently, at least). It's going to be a good, busy week. I'll try to check in more often!

2006-11-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

IT'S CAUSE I LOVE YOU

So I know it's a little silly to flex for a HNT pic... but I just thought i'd mix it up.

2006-11-13T09:32:00.000-08:00

THE HOT GERMAN TEACHER IS SINGLE

OK. Now don't get me wrong... I am not dillusional here. The woman is in her late 30s (looks like she's 28), and of course, lives in KC... but when I heard that my hot german teacher from my undergrad broke up with her boyfriend and is now hanging out with one of my female friends from back home... and they're coming out to the coast...

My mind started to wander.

I'm going to see them soon, hopefully. I'll keep you updated on this... let's call it "project: goddess hunt".

2006-11-11T22:53:00.000-08:00

I DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

Story time.

I went out to dinner tonight with blind date girl and a bunch of her friends. They are all opera singers. Drama abounds.

Two of the girls in particular are especially negative. Most of this stems from their obvious insecurity regarding their appearance and the fact that they don't have a boyfriend. All insecure girls want a boyfriend. It's a fact.

One of the girls hits on me constantly, which has been going on since I met her. She knows I'm dating blind date girl (though she doesn't know that neither of us are too serious about it). She, fairly often, misdirects her sexual frustration and insecurity towards others in the form of anger.

Well, tonight she was driving blind date girl, myself, and the other negative girl back from dinner. I was trying to help her get to my place from the touristy area, and told her to turn on some road. After she did, blind date girl reminded me she still needed to run by the school to pick up some stuff. So, I tell her to turn back the way we were heading.

At that moment she snaps at me "yeah, I know my way around, I've been living here a long time." I, without thinking, reply, "what? I was just trying to h..." she interupts me to say "you're just being a total guy and backseat driving." and then calls me an asshole.

I'm not making this up.

So, for the next 10 minutes I'm thinking to myself, "what in the hell just happened?" I just look at blind date girl, sitting in the back with me, and she looks back, as to say, "please just don't say anything." It was actually quite cute... but she didn't have anything to worry about. Why? Because I don't sweat the small stuff.

I could have argued with her all night about the fact that I was only trying to help, and that a simple "I know where we are, don't worry about it" would have been fine. That it's riciculous to make people feel stupid or jerky over such things. But it wouldn't have worked. I would have gotten sucked into her negativity spiral and spent all night being pissed off. Instead, I abstained from a fight with someone I don't care about and got out of the situation as quickly as possible.

I'm realizing that there is, in fact a lot of negativity around me here. Both in my group of friends, and these other groups I occasionally hang out with. I don't want it. I don't need it. I don't know these people well enough or long enough to let them bring me down with their bad energy.

I've decided I'm just not going to do it anymore. I fully intend to stay home on the weekend evenings as opposed to going out with people that make me sad/angry/frustrated. I'm a happy person on my own, and I don't need anyone to qualify me.

Long story short, they can suck my ass. :)

--------------

I had a good talk with blind date girl yesterday about where we stand. She now knows everything about K, and that I don't want a relationship now. She said the same, but I'm not entirely sure I believe her. We'll see about that... give it some time.

Either way, it was enough to make me feel better about the situation... then we had some sex. I think I'm improving my game, by the way.

2006-11-10T11:46:00.000-08:00

WHAT DO I LOOK FOR?

EE brought up a good question, and I just can't say no to you ladies.

I've been thinking about it, and here's what I look for in women personality wise - someone who

cares about what I do and respects it
I can respect what they do
isn't afraid to make fun of me
loves to laugh
Can actually make me laugh
Doesn't play mind games
has good communication skills
knows what they want and can tell me

There are, I'm sure, more things that are important, but those are the ones coming to mind immediately. I wanted to get those out of the way so I wouldn't feel so shallow for telling you

what I look for physically in a woman - (this does not mean I won't date someone who doesn't fit this, that's not it at all, but these are traits I am initially attracted to)

short, preferably no taller than 5' 6" (I'm 5' 10")
thin, like really thin
small boobs - yeah, I know this seems crazy, but I swear, I really prefer As or Bs
fair skin, though black and asian girls are pretty hot too
brunette (and redheads)
short hair
an infectious smile
a general ellegance about them

and because I'm bored, here are some examples from maximonline.com of girls that I would consider my type physically....

Sorry for all the pics of this girl, she's my favorite...

and some others...

2006-11-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

OH, FUCK ME!

literally. I did her. ...um... oops!

It was an accident, I swear! I just tripped and fell in to her over and over....

and over and over and over...

Ok, joking aside. I'm not particularly proud of this, but I'm making a choice to not let myself get bummed. I'm going to enjoy this opportunity to get better in the sack, to enjoy being 22, and to have some fun. As long as she's cool with what this is, then so am I.

By the way, it was GOOOOOOOD.

2006-11-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

I LOVE THE SMELL OF GIRL IN THE MORNING

So, blind date girl came over last night. She has to be the first girl I've ever met who admits to enjoying sci-fi. It's definetly a plus. We watched Family Guy and Battlestar Galactica, it was nice.

After that, we promptly attacked one another. Things went further this time, and I had to really fight to not have the sex. It's NOT easy. I have a certain kind of body type that I really go for, and while blind date girl doesn't really have it, her body is still rockin'. ROCKIN'.

So, she ended up staying the night, and now I'm exhausted from a combination of lack of sleep and having to get up early to take her home.

Dilemma: I'm 99% sure I don't want to have sex with this girl. She is fun to be around, but I can see the fun fading in the future. Maybe a while back I would have thought her to be relationship material.. but I'm pretty sure that most of my feelings for her are coming from my pants. Not good.

Do I break it off now? Technically, things are going fine, but I know that if I stay with her much longer, I'm going to be weak one night and do it... and I don't want that.

I don't see much other options, besides trying to keep it at just casual dating... which may or may not work... who knows.

----------

In case anyone is wondering, there are reasons I don't see this working out. She is -

Princessy (makes me pick her up when she could easily walk)
Self absorbed (doesn't ask me questions, just talks... and talks... and.. you get the point)
Politically misguided (don't ask)
Has smelly hair (ok, this only happened last night... but seriously, it was a little weird)
The jealous type

She's also (to be fair) very funny, affectionate, and sweet... just the cons outweigh the pros this time.

2006-11-04T23:15:00.000-08:00

HNT

As promised! Thanks to photobucket for at least making this possible.

Somebody better start playing along or I'll stop doing this again with the quickness!

2006-11-04T16:47:00.000-08:00

BLOGGER IS REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF

If I can find a less frustrating place to blog, I might be moving soon, stay tuned.

Thanks to EE for giving me the kick in the butt to get posting again. This is for you lady -

(note: blogger, yet again, is not allowing me to post pictures, so no half naked pic for now, sorry)

Now that that is out of the way.

-------------

So my good friend/ex gf came into town over the last weekend. It was really comforting to have someone from home visit. We went out to dinner on Friday, then came back and watched a movie. Nothing special, just nice.

Then saturday. Sigh. We went to the halloween party (pictures to come at some point), and of course, she was looking fine. We both got drunk and when we came back to my place, she attacked me. Next thing I know, we did the dirty.

And let me tell you, it was just that... most of the times I've had sex it was very sweet, and gentle. This wasn't. Let's just say that I had to spend all day Sunday after she left fixing my broken bed. Yeah.

So. I discovered something about myself that I did not know. I have the ability to have sex with NO emotional connection whatsoever. I guess 99% of guys are this way... I guess I just hoped I wasn't.

That's not to say it wasn't good. And obviously, I do care about this girl as a friend... but any wonderings I had about the possibility of a relationship were cleared up this weekend with her. She's a wonderful girl, but she's just not for me.

So, I haven't talked to her yet, but will soon. I think that she might have put more stock into what happened than I, and that really bothers me. Even if she did come on to me, that doesn't really make me feel alright about it.

-----------------

And, of course, not to leave my life too uncomplicated, I went an a 3rd date with blind date girl on Thursday (2 days ago)... and we messed around. No sex, but messed around.

I decided at some point after ex left on Sunday that I will not be the guy who has sex at every opportunity. One "fling" is enough for me in my life. I plan to take things nice and slow with blind date girl, and if sex happens, it's going to be because I really like her.

Honestly though, that probably won't happen. She's... prissy. She reminds me of K... sort of a diva (that's what you get when you date stage actresses, I guess). She spent half the night talking about her ex boyfriend, and their open relationship (eek!).

The good thing she has going for her is that she's funny, and that's something I'm really drawn to in women. It makes the conversation easy... when she's not bitching about her ex (who she still argues with all the time, by the way... double eek!).

So, long story short, I have fun with her, but I know it's not a long term thing - and I'm not going to let sex cloud my judgement... I'm just not going to do it with her.

*composer takes out whip* down penis, down!

2006-10-24T13:03:00.000-07:00

DATE

Fuckin' finally! It really wasn't anything special, we just went to lunch at a little cafe across the street from the school for about an hour. This was the girl I was supposed to go on a blind date with 2 weeks ago. Our encounters kept falling through so I finally just got her number and called her myself.

We had a good conversation (mostly about our mutual disdain for a certain teacher) and agreed that we should do it again. I'm not sure whether she was really feeling it or not, but I can't say I'm too concerned, it was just nice to get back on that horse.

I've actually heard that this particular girl is only looking for a fuckbuddy, but I don't know if I can rely on that information. Honestly, if she is, I'm down with that. I'm probably in the best place for that I've ever been in my life. Normally I want to really have a relationship and a connection before sex happens, but lately I've been feeling a little inexperienced in the sack. It would be great to have some practice (as bad as that sounds) without a relationship (which I'm not really ready for yet).

-----------

I'm getting my teaching certification! Holy crap, I'm so excited. I don't know yet if a double masters is going to happen, but I do know I can get certified in a relatively short time (as if I'd done an undergraduate degree in education)! If I get that out of the way fast enough, I can get the 2 masters degrees as well... essentially giving me 4 degrees in a 6 year period. I am so happy.

-----------

I was going to post some pictures, but blogger's being a bitch. ...either way, I think I'll start HNT back up...

2006-10-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

TECHNOLOGY IS AMAZING

...ly helpful for my dating life. If you haven't heard of facebook, it's a more streamlined, easier to use, and less annoying version of myspace that was originally only for college students, but now includes anyone with a valid e-mail address.

The great thing about this site is that people who go to your school are easy to find, and almost everyone lists their relationship status.

So. I've been doing REALLY well at my new resoloution to meet more girls. I struck up conversations with around 5 girls today that I'd never met. It's amazing how if you're standing around in silence: waiting for the elevator, waiting for the librarian... even just walking in the same direction, all it takes is a "hey, aren't you in my class?" or, if even you've got nothing to go off of, "hi, I don't think we've met, I'm Composer." and immediately the girl always perks up and becomes warm and bubbly and open. I've always feared starting conversations, but seriously, that's the easy part, I think they're just glad someone broke the silence (and the ice).

So, bringing this back, it's pretty easy to, once you know someone's name, look them up, see if they're in a relationship, and boom, no more worrying about whether to ask her out. Before you say it's creepy (cause let's face it, it kinda is), ALL guys (and plenty of girls) do it, I'm just using it to my advantage now that I'm meeting more people.

A few of the girls I met were in relationships, a few weren't, now I know which ones to just be friends with and which ones to try to pursue.

Stalking is AWESOME. :)

------------

So, really, it was a great day. I came home after my first class and took a nap. I went to choir and got a compliment from the director for being the only person in my section who can sing (though I don't think I won any friends in that group, ha!), then went to my composition lesson that I'd been fretting about all week. Turned out my teacher loved the devolopment of the piece and he really inspired me to finish it, WHOO!! Top that off with a full day of meeting ladies, and a 4 mile run (I pussed out on the 5th mile, sorry EE!), and it was great.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with the education advisor to try to start a double masters program, and he's going to consider my music for a performance by the Wind Ensemble (he's also their director). I'm also going out for halloween costumes and dinner with my friends.

Add to all that - I just got a performance of my newest (and personal favorite) piece scheduled in early december by amazing world class performers, and my ex gf/friend is coming to town on Friday....

this is the happiest I've been since K. Healthy, spending time with friends, being productive (so important to me)... I think I'm finally really turning a corner.

2006-10-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

PHILOSOPHY FOR DUMMIES

I drove to D.C. today to vistit a friend who is out here from Kansas City for a month. It was a long day of driving around the city and walking to the sites and through the national art gallery. I had a little time to think.

I think that the whole time I've been angry with K, I've really just been mad at myself. I took my self destruction to a new level with her by allowing myself to fall so hard and so fast for someone I didn't know was right for me. If I had guarded my heart and paced myself, like I've preached of before, I would have realized on my own that she's not the person for me.

This very odd inability to move past my anger with her that I've had these last two months... I'm not angry at her. I'm angry at me.

Here's the thing, though. We can't help the way we feel.... if we could, we all would already be married to that person we dumped years ago because they were too nice, loved us too much. What if you could have just been in love with that person? Life would be a lot easier if you could choose who fall for, but it doesn't work that way. That decision is beyond my control, and it happens so rarely that I jump all over it when it does.

So, if we can't learn to forgive ourselves for feeling the way we feel, for being human, for making mistakes based on this amazing feeling... well, we're going to become bitter, angry, alone.

I'm working on forgiving me now. I'll keep you posted.

--------------

You may or may not know, that besides my passion for composing music, I also have a love for directing orchestras, bands and choirs. I, of course, had a job I adored as the choir director at a church in Kansas (but I lived in Missouri, try to keep up :) )... I also guest directed for some high school bands in the area and even directed the University Wind Ensemble at my undergraduate college on occasion.

I thoroughly enjoy working with high school kids (insert something about my humor maturity level matching theirs here), and have always wondered if I'd be able to get a director job without an education degree.

Well. Problem solved. I've decided to double master in Composition and Music Ed! I'm meeting with the Ed adviser on Tuesday to make sure everything is good with that, but it should be completely fine. I'm quite excited at the prospect of actually landing a full time job when I graduate that is related to music... and I should be able to graduate in the same ammount, or only slightly more time. Taking steps towards a better future... good stuff people, good stuff.

--------------

One of my exes, that I've mentioned before, is coming to visit this coming Friday and I'm really excited. Though I have a good group of friends up here, I don't really feel comfortable opening up to any of them (I used to open up to KC, but that doesn't happen anymore). I'm so looking forward to just having someone to lay next to and talk to at night that I trust and care about. It's going to be a good weekend.

2006-10-15T10:16:00.000-07:00

PART 2

I swear on everything good, if all women were like KC, I would throw myself off the tallest building and be done with it.

So she decides to come over last night and talk. In the course of the conversation, she accuses me of only wanting to be friends with people when they don't need my help, of being selfish, of leading her on. She tells me she never asked me to look out for her, and that I acted like it was a burden when I did. She accused me of flirting with girls in front of her, and of not appreciating it when she took care of me when I was drunk.

Where to start? Where to start...

Let's see, she doesn't know me well enough to make any sweeping generalizations about my character, especially of being selfish. I never led her on, I just didn't want to pull my arm away every time she grabbed it, because it makes me feel like an asshole. True, she never asked me to look out for her, unfortunately, no one else was, and I didn't want her getting stupid drunk again. I wasn't acting like it was a burden, I was joking with her and others about the last time she drank. I wasn't flirting with other girls that night, but if I wanted to, I damn well could, because that's my fucking business. And last but not least, I never got drunk enough to need taking care of.

And breathe.

I got all that out and she didn't have much to come back with. Considering how offended I was, I still got it out quite calmly.. but without any sugar coating this time.

Wowie, believe it or not, I don't think she's crazy.... just really immature. The girl's had one boyfriend of about 2 weeks, and that's it. She overthinks everything... and she can't take a joke.

Twenty-two years old folks, Twenty-two.

2006-10-14T22:31:00.001-07:00

MINDLESS LATE NIGHT CRAP

Four Things about me - Things you may or may not have known about me in any particular order: (cause I'm bored and can't seem to compose anything of worth)

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Mug maker
2. Bus Boy/Server
3. Choir Director
4.. Singer

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:

1. Back to the Future
2. Stargate
3. The Matrix
4. Batman Begins

C) Four places I have lived:

1. With my parents
2. In the dorms
3. In my own home
4. In my apartment

D) Four television shows I watch:

1. Scrubs
2. Conan O'Brian
3. The Daily Show
4. Battlestar Galactica (nerd!)

E) Four places I have been on vacation:

1. Hawaii
2. Grand Cayman
3. Across Europe
4. Veneuela

F) Websites I visit daily:

1. my email
2. Facebook
3. here
4. myspace (maybe)

G) Four of my favorite foods:

1. Thick motherfuckin' pizza
2. yogurt (gay, I know)
3. Ice cream sandwhiches
4. Snackwell cookies

H) Four places I would rather be right now:

1. In bed with a naked hottie
2. Back in KC, I'm sorry to say
3. Back in this afternoon, actually doing something with my day
4. In bed

I) Four people who you think will respond back to you:

I think we've established that not even four people read this thing.

2006-10-14T11:39:00.001-07:00

A WTF SATURDAY

Alright. You know, I should have seen this coming, but I have become thoroughly annoyed with KC. For those who don't remember (for all 2 or 3 people who read this, ha!), that is my piano playing female friend that I recently had to let down gently because I wasn't interested.

My group of friends and I went out to a classy bar last night, and we were all having a good time. Somehow, whenever KC drinks, it becomes my responsibility to watch her, which becomes very frustrating when

A: she gets hammered by a glass of wine (I'm serious)
B: there are other girls around that I want to talk to
C: there are other friends around that I want to talk to
D: I don't want to babysit all night when I go out

So, I spend the first hour of the night rationing her a glass of wine little by little until, at some point, I decide that I've had enough and go around to chat with other girls. Now, for the record, there weren't any other girls there I was really interested in, one girl's married, and the other 3 are not my type. There was one new girl there and I was slightly interested, but I decided after a short time that she also wasn't my type, BUT, I was still enjoying a fun conversation with her.

Of course, as that was happening, KC, without me there, downs the rest of her wine, and proceeds to try to cock-block me the rest of the night. I'm trying to have an intelligent conversation and she CONTINUALLY walks (nay, stumbles) right inbetween this girl and I and wraps her arms around me and seriously won't let go. I can't figure out if I would be more frustrated if I actually TRYING to get some action, but I wasn't, and it pissed me off plenty.

So, by the time we left the bar to get some late night food, I had ignored her for a while... BUT, annoyed as I was, I made it a point to put my arm around her while we were walking and chat for a little bit (because I understand the whole jealousy thing, even if I don't approve in this case)

Well, when we get to the restaurant and sit down, I look around and realize she's not there. She ducked out without saying anything and went home. WTF? When I got home last night I sent her a message asking if she was alright, no response by the time I woke up. Well, I just called her to ask if she's ok. She says, "Well, I'm mad right now, I don't want to talk about it." WTF?! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's bad communication skills, and that is terrible, all she's doing there is telling me that we're going to have an argument, but I get to wait until she's good and ready. I hate hate hate that.

I couldn't really pretend, at that point, to care. I don't know what she thinks she has to be mad about, but I'm pretty offended by the whole thing. If she doesn't like it that I want to talk to other girls, she's going to have to deal. Period.

---------------

As I write this, I'm watching I Am Sam with Sean Penn... If you haven't seen it, please do, it's one of the strongest, most touching films I've ever seen.

2006-10-13T16:17:00.000-07:00

MY DREAM

I spent all day today cleaning my place and running errands. Though it's often a little too much time to think, I enjoyed it today... I think I needed a brain break.

It's getting brisk out and I can't begin to tell you how much I love the weather. I don't know how exactly I made the connection in my brain, but for some reason the cold just makes me feel more like a kid. I step outside, take one breath of the crisp autumn air in, and I feel ...more human. It's hard to describe.

So... something about this weather seems to remind me of one of my dreams. I want a family. I do. I found myself daydreaming a lot today about it. I had pictures flash into my mind of a home outside of the suburbs, kids, pets. I know from far too many sources that having a family is never easy... but I want it.

Living in the city is great... for a change - but I don't want to stay here forever. Not in any city. I want someone who appreciates that about me and is on the same page. The whole music scene, the world class institutions, the first rate symphonies, all that... will lose it's appeal to me one day. I want to be able to live my life out with my family, first.

Maybe that means I'll never be truly successful in my field. That's possible, it was certainly K's perspective, but I don't care. I don't think I could ever give up on love for my career, and I think anyone that can is bitter and will one day regret their choices.

So, that's it. Despite the difficulty, the blows it will take at my career, I want a family. I want to teach my son how to throw a baseball, I want to teach my daughter how to properly kick a boy in the junk, I want to be a dad and a husband.

I probably should have put a disclaimer at the beginning of this post: "extreme corniness ahead"

2006-10-12T19:03:00.001-07:00

UPDATE Y'ALL

So, I'd like to start this post off with a funny story from this evening.

I recently got a job as a singer in a church choir in the area. The choir had 2 cute girls, both whom have boyfriends (yeah, I do the research), until tonight, when a third girl shows up. I noticed a look or two (not much to go off of) during rehearsal, so I went for it afterwards.

She sat down near me as the room was clearing out and I walked over to introduce myself. She had a warm smile, made lots of eye contact, and told me her name... going good so far. We talked about what instruments she plays and other small talk, still good. She asked if I went to the conservatory, I said yes. I asked her if she went there, no, she goes to the ______ School for the Arts. I ask "are you a graduate student?" and she looks at me blankly for a moment.

"that's a high school"

Aw shit. I just hit on a junior in high school (about 6 or 7 years my junior). DAMNIT!

All I could muster up was "ooooh... Well! It's nice to meet you!" and got my crap together as quickly as possible. It's too bad, because she is a fine looking young lady....

I feel so dirty.

-------------------

So, how did the dates go? Well, not so well.

My friend that was going to set me up with the girl on Friday fell through... and the girl I had plans with on Saturday never returned my call.

Hmmm... This doesn't bode well for the first steps of recovery dating (and neither does hitting on jailbait).

Though I am disappointed, I'm not really to deterred. I got the blind date girl's info and I'm just going to ask her out myself (we met once breifly and I know that she's at least interested) for a group thing soemtime this weekend.

I continue to get better at approaching girls. Two different girls yesterday I struck up conversation with out of thin air, and one today. That may not seem like much for some, but I'm a pretty shy person at first, so this is big for me. I realized it's something I need to work on, and I'm making improvements.

So, a possible date this weekend... I suppose it's something to look forward to. Sigh.

-------------------

I promise to update more often folks. It's hard at times to write about your life when you feel like nothing is going well in it. I continue to get better though, and hopefully my frequency in writing will reflect that. Much love -

2006-10-05T22:30:00.000-07:00

IT'S BEEN A FINE WEEK

Except for the continued sleeping troubles, things are going pretty well. I'm (fucking finally) starting to make plans with girls, and I can't tell you how glad I am for that.

Now, trust me, I KNOW that things probably aren't going to go anywhere with some of them, but I NEED to get out there and get back on that horse. Going out with my group of friends is really nice, but I need a date or two for a change, and some action would be SUPER.

So, not like the prospects have been really great. I'm going on a blind-datish sort of thing tomorrow. I'm told she's super-hot. OK. I don't really care what these girls look like (to a point), I just want to get back into the scene. So, it should be interesting at least.

The other girl, I know for a fact is super hot. She lives in my apartment building (Composer, that doesn't sound like a good idea...), and on my floor (RED ALERT! RED ALERT!), but we already made plans to do something Saturday. She's a professional in mall management, and I'm quite sure a few years older than me. That said, she didn't strike me as terribly interesting, but I'm not planning on making any judgements until we hang out.

Others are more "in development" I suppose, but I remain optomistic at this point about the way things are going. I'm getting better every day at starting conversations with new people, and not feeling (or being) creepy about it.

Besides that business? I've been writing more, sleeping more (with the aid of naps... I need to get that worked out), lifting more, running more, eating better, and enjoying life more.

One of my best friends (and former GF) is coming to town at the end of the month. I haven't been this excited about anything, and I mean ANYTHING sense K. She and I broke up last year because I recognized that she wasn't in a good place to have a relationship, and that she had some growing up to do. It was a horribly sad breakup, because we always had fun together.

Well, I'm not holding out hope (especially for anything long distance), but she really has done some growing up, I can see it. She's become less reliant on her friends, she's partying less, working more, living on her own, and not needing to date anyone (who just said she's more mature than me? I'll kick your ass!). She and I have always had a connection, an instant friendship, and I'm just glad she's coming. I really love her as a friend, and you never know, there might be something more there eventually.

So, things are going fine, and though I can't say I yet feel OK about K, I'm working on a way to take some of this weight off my shoulders. I'm drafting a letter to send to her. Yeah, yeah, I know, bad idea, right? Well, I've done this before, and I always, ALWAYS feel better once I clear my mind and channel it into a piece of paper.

I won't be hurtful. Just short, and to the point. I'm planning on saying what I need to say to get closure from my end. I don't care if she responds. She probably won't. If she does, it probably won't be very nice. I just don't care, I need to say these things.

2006-10-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

THE TRUE MESSAGE

I don't make my faith a major topic of conversation... ever. It's a part of my life that I keep to myself, and share only with those who really wish to know. However, I thought this needed to be shared. I think these people have it right.

(this is part of a story on the slaying at the amish school in Pennsylvania, from Yahoo news)

As they struggle with the slayings, the Amish in this Lancaster County village are turning the other cheek, urging forgiveness of the killer and quietly accepting what comes their way as God's will.

"They know their children are going to heaven. They know their children are innocent ... and they know that they will join them in death," said Gertrude Huntington, a Michigan researcher and expert on children in Amish society.

"The hurt is very great," Huntington said. "But they don't balance the hurt with hate."
In the aftermath of Monday's violence, the Amish are looking inward, relying on themselves and their faith, just as they have for centuries. They hold themselves apart from the modern world, and have as little to do with civil authorities as possible.

Amish mourners have been going from home to home for two days to attend viewings for the five victims, all little girls laid out in white dresses made by their families. Such viewings occur almost immediately after the bodies arrive at the parents' homes.

Typically, they are so crowded, "if you start crying, you've got to figure out whose shoulder to cry on," said Rita Rhoads, a Mennonite midwife who delivered two of the five girls slain in the attack.

At some Amish viewings, upwards of 1,000 to 1,500 people might visit a family's home to pay respects, according to Jack Meyer, 60, a buggy operator in Bird in Hand. Such visits are important, given the lack of e-mail and phone communication, Meyer said.

The Amish have also been reaching out to the family of the gunman. Dwight Lefever, a Roberts family spokesman, said an Amish neighbor comforted the Roberts family hours after the shooting and extended forgiveness to them.

"I hope they stay around here and they'll have a lot of friends and a lot of support," Daniel Esh, a 57-year-old Amish artist and woodworker whose three grandnephews were inside the school during the attack, said of the Robertses.

Huntington, the authority on the Amish, predicted they will be very supportive of the killer and his wife, "because judgment is in God's hands: `Judge not, that ye be not judged."

A deputy county coroner on Wednesday described a gruesome scene at the school, with blood on every desk, every window broken and the body of a girl slumped beneath the chalkboard, below a sign that read "Visitors Brighten People's Days." Roberts' body was face-down next to the teacher's desk.

"It was horrible. I don't know how else to explain it," said Amanda Shelley, a deputy coroner in Lancaster County.

Funerals for four of the victims — Naomi Rose Ebersole, 7; Marian Fisher, 13; Mary Liz Miller, 8; and her sister Lena Miller, 7 — are scheduled for Thursday at three homes. The funeral for the fifth girl, Anna Mae Stoltzfus, 12, is Friday.

About 300 to 500 people are expected at each funeral, said Philip W. Furman, an undertaker. The church-led services typically last about two hours before mourners travel in horse-drawn buggies to a cemetery for a short graveside service.

In keeping with custom, the Amish use simple wooden caskets — narrow at the head and feet and wider in the middle. An Amish girl is typically laid to rest in a white dress, a cape, and a white prayer-covering on her head, Furman said.

Five other girls remained hospitalized — three in critical condition and two in serious condition. They ranged in age from 6 to 13.

Enos Miller, the grandfather of the two Miller sisters, was with both of the girls when they died. He was out walking near the schoolhouse before dawn Wednesday — he said he couldn't sleep — when he was asked by a reporter for WGAL-TV whether he had forgiven the gunman.

"In my heart, yes," he said, explaining it was "through God's help."

2006-09-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT IS CERTAIN IN THIS LIFE...

It's that somebody is going to be miserable.

Sigh.

Well, my pianist friend (whose first name unfortunately starts with a K, so we're going to call her KC, I guess), who had, I percieved, taken an interest in me - I was wrong. She REALLY took an interest in me.

Let me start out by saying that the girl is great. She's a genuinely good person, incredibly smart, cute, fun. She's a great friend, who really has my best interest at heart... but I know when there's no chemistry there, and it's just not there. I hate that I can't have deeper feelings for such a good person, but believe me, I've tried to make relationships work when there was no chemistry. You're better off just cutting that person's heart out with a knife and handing it to them.

In the last few days, her touchy feeliness increased a lot... and she leaned in for a kiss more than once. I turned away, but I still made the mistake of not bringing it up right then. Though I did want to feel that close to someone again, to kiss her, I didn't.

So, last night, I sat her down and told her that I'm not ready for a relationship. It's true, I'm not - but that's not the real reason. I just don't see her in that way... but for the first time in a LONG time, I couldn't tell someone the honest reason why it wouldn't work. I think she was really hurt. I can honestly say that conversation was harder than full fledged relationship breakup talks I've had.

I saw her tonight and I could see how sad she was. It's so painful to see that... a good person so miserable. I think our friendship will survive, because I care about it, but I worry for her. She was so distressed last night. This is a girl who, like me, doesn't form strong feelings easily... the difference though, is that she doesn't date around in the meantime. She's had one relationship of one month in her entire life, and that's it.

The best thing I can do, I think, is to try to make sure that she doesn't feel stupid or humiliated, as is often a first reaction to this sort of thing. The best way I think to do that is to just keep being her friend. I know that in the past, I felt like a fool for losing girls as friends because I tried to make something more happen... but looking back, I see that it was THEY who chose not to keep the friendship going, it wasn't my fault then... but if this friendship is lost, it will be my fault.

In any case, it can be quite hard to be the one doing the hurting too. It would make me sympathize with K, if she had ever shown any remorse or if she was trying at all to be my friend. I doubt that she actually feels 100% alright with the breakup, but she's never shown anything but cold. It's a good situation for me to learn from to deal with this predicament. I don't want to handle this the way she did.

....It's late and I feel like my writing quality is sucking terribly. Best to hit the sack now before I really start rambling.

2006-09-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

I AM INSULTED!

I got back a short essay from my music theory teacher today and he suggested I see the writing tutor! That fuckass! There was some shit about not forming my thoughts into a cohesive whole or something. It's fucking music theory! It's most comparable to math in the music realm. I didn't think I was writing an english paper! Whatever dude.

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Though I woke up a few times last night, overall, it was still a restful night's sleep and I feel a bit better. Though I KNOW I'm not 100% yet, I do know that things are getting better for me all the time. I'm ready to date again (which I know I've said before, but I mean it more now).

My mom's coming up to visit tomorrow. I would be looking forward to it more, but I always worry about having to spend 3 straight days with either of my parents. I love 'em, but they grind my nerves like nobody else can - especially my mom. At least I'll be able to escape to school for short ammounts of time if nescessary....

Jeez, that sounds kinda bad. Seriously, she's great and I love her.

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So, I've decided that the hardest thing in the world is to remember asian girls' names. I'm trying SO freaking hard, honestly. The female population at this school is about 70-80% asian, which is cool with me, they're sweet and generally cute... but holy crap, their names all sound the same to me. Haha, it makes it really hard to have shot with a girl when you have to ask her name every time you talk to her.

I've started writing everyone's names down upon a first meeting... it's helping, but I still get the asian girls mixed up. Sigh...

2006-09-25T19:05:00.001-07:00

UPDATE AND ANOTHER QUESTION

Generally, things are the same here. I'm starting to worry a little about my inability to overcome my anger. Lately, the worst times have been when home alone, late at night. My mind wanders and the next thing I know I'm boiling over shit that happened a month ago. I don't think it's right (though I feel justified, even in my normal moods, in my anger) to be feeling this way so often, and I don't think it's healthy. It continues to cut into my sleep, which put me in the worst mood I've been in a LONG time this morning.

I couldn't even smile at the teacher or other students, I was absoloutely miserable from sleep deprivation. Coming from the person who is always (and I really mean, always) polite, and always greets friends with a smile, that was very odd. I've told the full story to one friend up here, and she's suggested therapy to deal with the anger, and sleeping pills (from the therapist) to get back on a regular schedule.

I genuinely haven't decided yet. My mom's been consistently on anti-depressants and off and on with sleeping pills for years, and it's done wonders for her. Personally, I think my music, my life, and my own attitude are my anti-depressants pills, and I don't think I would ever take something like that unless my emotions fell out of my control... the sleeping pills, though, are starting to sound like a great idea. If I went to therapy (which I have doubts about), I would prefer it be only to gain some methods of dealing with anger. I can usually feel myself starting to "wind up" - like someone coiling up a spring... if someone could give me some effective methods of dealing with this - nipping it in the butt - before it ruins my night, then I might be better off.

SIGH. Other than that total bull shit? Things are fine. I'm working on an orchestra piece that I think, as things are going now, is going to be my best work so far. It's giving me a lot of hope. I got a church job - but instead of directing, I'll be singing in the choir. How crazy is that? Churches in this city have enough money to pay a professional choir! The money is not amazing, but for the ammount of work, it's really pretty good... and I'm getting paid to sing! Holy crap!

I have yet to have any "romantic encounters" and by that, I mean "freaky sex", but I remain optomistic. I'm in no condition for a relationship, and that's ok for now. My best friend up here, an amazing pianist and just a cute girl, has expressed some interest... however, she has said more than once that she thinks she will marry the next person she dates (I know it seems weird... and it is, but she's only had one boyfriend in her life, and she just picks very carefully), and I'm not even close to wanting to deal with that. If I tried anything with her, she would end up getting hurt, and the friendship would be lost. Maybe down the line... who knows. I'm being careful for now and protecting everybody's feelings.

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These questions are fun to get a response on. If you didn't answer the last one yet, please do, I'm still curious.

Question 2: How often do you want it? This one is interesting to me as I've had more trouble with mismatched libidos lately. I have dated one girl who wanted it more than me. At the time it seemed odd, but I've met others lately who have *claimed* to also want it often. So, how often? When you're not in a relationship, how long can you go before you start looking for a one-nighter? Whe you are in a relationship, how often do you do it?

2006-09-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

INACTIVITY

In posting, that is. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping it up, the last few weeks have been tough. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Part of that is anger, part is lonliness. While totally over K, as far as not wanting her back, my anger is still lingering. Despite the fact that I haven't told you everything, trust me when I say that there was some major shit that she got away with.

I'm relearning how to deal with this 'lose-lose' sort of situation, and, as I keep telling myself - it's just going to take time. For someone who wants everything to be right in the world and all lose ends tied up, it's very hard to feel so defeated with a growing sense that I need closure. THAT is what's keeping me up at night right now.. and the lack of sleep then wreaks havoc on everything else.

School is generally well. A few classes suck because they're 90% busy work - the 'I could finish this class in a week if you'd just give me all the info in a packet instead of making me take notes for an entire semester' sort of class. Choir sucks because I wasn't good enough at audition to get into the good group, and I'm stuck in the lousy choir. Other than that, my lessons are great, conducting class is great, and the seminars are great.

It's great to be around people. I'm working more now at the dating game, and might have some opportunities.... which is great, because somebody accidentally turned my horny switch to high and left it there. Seriously, I wonder what my deal is sometimes. It's a good thing I have SOME morals, because if given the opportunity, I COULD have sex ALL the freakin' time.

I think some lovin' would help get my mind off K though... I'm workin' on it.

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QUESTION

This is modeled after EE's Controversial Question Wednesday... though this isn't so controversial. I'm just really curious where you ladies stand on this.

How manly do you want your man to be? And how far away from that are you willing to go for someone you like?

This interests me because I've seen female friends up here date guys that were ...considerably less manly than normal. Almost effiminate. It's strange to me that these women would want a man who knows more about matching wardrobes than fixing cars. Isn't that part of what women like about men, that they're different? I really don't know, I'm just asking.

So, on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being

"hells yes I'll go shopping with you! And girlfriend those shoes are CUUTE!" and 10 being

"I just fixed the toilet, the stove, and made a table out of that old oak tree. Now I'm going to go hunting, and when I get back I want dinner made, and some rough sex... and no cuddling afterwards."

where do you want your guy to be? Do you want a guy who is hornier or less horny (chuckle) than you? Do you want a muscular or scrawny guy?

Just curious, fill me in!

2006-09-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

THE FACE OF HATE

There is a man named Fred Phelps. If you haven't heard of him and what he does, you should. Fred is the pastor at a small baptist (and I use that term loosely) church in Kansas. He and his congregation routinely picket outside of churches with homosexual members, and at the funerals of U.S. Soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. To try to explain the full magnitude of the situation would take too long, but I encourage you to visit the church's website if you're in the mood to get very, very angry.

Why this isn't national news, I don't know. I suppose it's for the best that he's not getting more attention. The site is very offensive, and not for the faint of heart.

www.godhatesfags.com

2006-09-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

Thursday 13

Thirteen current TV shows I'm hooked on

1. US Open - I played a lot of tennis back in the day, and I haven't missed it for a while... but holy crap, I am hooked on the open, and I want to get out and play!

2. Conan O'Brian - The funniest man alive, I'm taking a trip to NY in a month or two to see a live taping!

3. The Daily Show - Jon Stewart for President, 08! (I'll also be catching a taping of this while in NY)

4. The Colbert Report - Stewart's running mate (I'm not joking, I would vote for them...)

5. Family Guy - I am a sucker for a silly, childish joke, and this is just chock-full of 'em.

6. Reno 911 - hilarious.

7. Stand up comedy - I have about 15 comedy central presents saved on my DVR. I'm not joking.

8. Scrubs - what was that about a silly, childish joke?

9. Stargate SG-1 - Make fun all you like, but good music, good writing, it's just a good show.

10. Stargate Atlantis - not as good as SG-1, but I still watch it.

11. Battlestar Galactica - The new one, not the crappy old one. It's a little (a lot) dramatic, but it's addictive. Awesome music, effects, and battle scenes.

12. Ultimate fighter - Or anything of the like, I spent several years in martial arts and I still love to watch.

13. Football - Chiefs. Hells yes.

Alright, alright, they're probably going to suck ass this year. Whatever.

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First day of class today (frickin' finally), met my composition teacher and some of the other faculty and students. I think I'm going to really like it here - and I'm going to love the composition seminar...

I hate to sound mean, but DAMN, there are some dorky kids in composition. These kids make Screech look like Christian Bale. I said a small prayer today for their social lives, which are no doubt in critical condition.

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There are also some ATTRACTIVE women walking around... which is great, because I'm finally starting to get to the point of at least putting in some effort. I don't know if I feel ready for a relationship, but I do feel ready to get back on the dating horse.

I think this is directly related to my feelings towards K. I finally feel as though I don't want her back. I really don't. Also, the thought of her being with someone else (which wouldn't surprise me), doesn't fuck me up anymore. That's something I could accept, I don't care if she's fucking somebody else... and that's a big step.

The anger is still there though, and I don't know a remedy. I've pondered calling her to get it all out. Not in a scream-fest, I don't do that (I've never yelled at anyone, ever), but just calmly telling her all my feelings. She mistreated me, and she lied to me through her words and actions about wanting to be together.

I think that as time goes on, it's going to be sillier and sillier to bring these feelings up to her. If I do want to do it, I should do it soon. I don't know if there is a right or a wrong here, and I don't know whether doing so would help or hurt.

Either way, she talked big about wanting to stay friends, but of course, I haven't heard from her for 2 weeks, and it's been 3 weeks since she's called me. I don't feel like I'd be losing a friend by offending her, because we're not going to be friends anyway. What a bitch.

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What was I talking about? Oh yeah, other girls. Speaking of which, I'm going to go call the singer girl right now. Peace.

2006-09-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

COLLECTION OF THOUGHTS

On another blog I read regularly, the author recently mentioned his disgust for vanity. Comments like this make me evaluate myself a bit.

Am I vain? I don't think so. I spent the first 19 years of my life hating my body. I spent the next 2 years working hard on it, and still not being really pleased. Only in the last year or so have I begun to feel really comfortable with my body.

Why do I work out? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel good when I take my shirt off with a woman. I want to fill out my clothes like a man, not a boy.

Is that vain? Nope.

What about dressing well for class? 95% of the time, I shower, shave, and put on a decently nice shirt. That's not wrong, but I have heard mumbles from a handful of former fellow students about people who get dressed for class being vain. That's just silly. I would like to take that in the opposite direction and say that showering daily (if not twice a day if nescessary) is common courtesy to those around you.

In fact, I'd like to take this whole discussion the other way. I think way too many people are too quick to call others vain. If you don't mind feeling like you don't look great, fine, that's your choice... but don't try to bring people around you down for wanting to feel good about themselves. I believe the vanity line is one that is quite hard to cross.

I've never viewed myself as a "naturally" attractive person, but when I clean up and put on nice clothes, I do feel attractive. There's nothing wrong with that.

-------------------

I feel like I've been burned by people I trusted a lot recently. I don't want to not trust... but I think I have to let people prove themselves first. Of course K... but check this one out. I wrote a piece for trombone choir recently (a few of you have heard it), it's a piece that's close to my heart, as it is the soundtrack to the memory of the moment I realized that my first love did not love me back.

A brass band director from Arizona heard it a few months ago and asked me to arrange it for his band. I did, and didn't even ask to be paid, as I like the piece so much. I worked hard on the arrangement for two months, and sent it off a few weeks ago.

Two days ago, I got an e-mail from one of the members of the band telling me they weren't going to play the piece, and that the director asked him to send the music back to me.

What the hell? He said the director thought it was too "solemn and dark". Uh, you're fucking right it is.... just like the original... which he heard.... and liked... and asked me to arrange...

Seriously, what the hell. So here's the letter I wrote the director, I think this is taking it quite calmly and professionally, considering the fact that he really dicked me here.

"Mr. ______,

I'm writing this in response to an e-mail that I recieved from _______. He has let me know that you don't intend to have the band perform my piece.

Let me make it clear that I understand that this is your group, and that you select the music for it. This is your decision, clearly. However, you heard the original recording of the piece, __________. When I set out to arrange a work, I only alter it to make it more intuitive for a group, not to change the style. As discussed, I attempted to work in a picardy ending into the piece. Unfortunately, I felt that this ruined it, so I left the ending as it was. I don't feel that this omission should have been the factor that changed your mind, as the entire piece has a solemn mood - this is in accordance with the inspiration for the piece and the title.

Please understand my frustration. I spent dozens and dozens of hours arranging this work for your band, not to mention the time and effort it took me to learn about brass band scoring conventions, and the 50 dollars that I spent on scores, parts, and shipping. As a student composer, it is crucial that my works be performed, especially if I am not being compensated for my time. Composition is an extremely difficult field to succeed in professionally, and I simply cannot afford to spend so much time on music that may not be performed - I need the support of those I work with.

Please see to it that I recieve the scores and parts back in a reasonable time, ______ has my new address,"

In hindsight, I wonder if I should have really said what was on my mind... but I prefer to be the kind, respectful adult, even when someone many years my senior is not. Pretty pathetic on his part.

---------------

I don't know if I'm going to keep doing HNT... ya'll need to start showing some skin too.

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I went out for coffee with two nice girls last night, and it was great. One pianist, one singer. They're both nice and fun and cute, and single. It's actually a weird situation... I was originally interested in the singer, but I started to notice that the pianist was hanging around a lot and always joining in our conversations. They're both my type, in different ways. I asked them if they were doing anything this weekend and they both gave me their numbers at the same time. When we all 3 hung out I couldn't get any better idea of whether one was more interested than the other.

Holy crap! I have no idea what to do. I'm not all that stressed about it really ...but, I don't want to pass up a good opportunity either... such an odd situation.