DONE
I have one quick question before I get rolling on this post - Why do I only fall in love with women who can't/won't love me back?
Alright, that said. K and I finally had our talk yesterday. We were out at lunch and I told her I was planning on coming home at Thanksgiving and Christmas, maybe more. In the car, afterwards, I brought it up again. "You know, I will come home more often... for you." She sat quietly for a long time, before finally saying, "you don't need to."
Sensing that this was a fleeting chance to get her true feelings for a change, I followed up, "as much as this might suck for me, I want to know why. I think I deserve that." She said that she wasn't looking for something long term because she knew I was leaving, and that she couldn't do a long distance relationship again. She then started in with some generic bullcrap about us having different goals, at which point I stopped her - if I have one huge pet peeve, it is being broken up with for reasons such as "it's not you, it's me," "we just have different goals," etc. etc.
I held myself together quite well. The intial shock soon wore off, and I realized that I'd been pretty prepared for this for a while. If anything, I'm thankful that we hadn't been together for a year, because I think the same thing would have happened. This is a woman who puts her career ahead of her love life, at all costs. I can't explain why I look at relationships differently, but I just do.
Suffice to say, I have a lot of issues about the relationship that bothered me. I could list them, but I don't need to. It would be easy to brand K a bitch and be done with it, but I don't need to do that either. She mishandled a lot of things, we ALL know that... I think she just has some growing up to do when it comes to communication mainly (and that's too bad for someone older than me). She didn't make her intentions and feelings clear, and that ended up hurting my feelings, it wasn't fair to me.
So, this is now the third woman I've had strong enough feelings for that I feel I could have loved her. Did I actually love her yet? ...no... I was together with my first love for a year and a half before I admitted to myself that I loved her (I never told her, though). All three have dumped me, all for something easier, something that fit their career, or their religion (#2), better.
I can FEEL myself getting more bitter as I write about this.
So, why? Why is it that I find these women?.. the career women, the religious women. Why are THEY the ones I fall for? I'm careful with the word 'love', but feelings are feelings, I cried over each of those women, and no others. Why have I never gotten to feel love reciprocated? Why am I going to be just one of the breakup stories that they tell the next guy they fuck?
Motherfucker, I am starting to get pissed. I'm going to go get too drunk to cook, I'll be back in a few days.
I have one quick question before I get rolling on this post - Why do I only fall in love with women who can't/won't love me back?
Alright, that said. K and I finally had our talk yesterday. We were out at lunch and I told her I was planning on coming home at Thanksgiving and Christmas, maybe more. In the car, afterwards, I brought it up again. "You know, I will come home more often... for you." She sat quietly for a long time, before finally saying, "you don't need to."
Sensing that this was a fleeting chance to get her true feelings for a change, I followed up, "as much as this might suck for me, I want to know why. I think I deserve that." She said that she wasn't looking for something long term because she knew I was leaving, and that she couldn't do a long distance relationship again. She then started in with some generic bullcrap about us having different goals, at which point I stopped her - if I have one huge pet peeve, it is being broken up with for reasons such as "it's not you, it's me," "we just have different goals," etc. etc.
I held myself together quite well. The intial shock soon wore off, and I realized that I'd been pretty prepared for this for a while. If anything, I'm thankful that we hadn't been together for a year, because I think the same thing would have happened. This is a woman who puts her career ahead of her love life, at all costs. I can't explain why I look at relationships differently, but I just do.
Suffice to say, I have a lot of issues about the relationship that bothered me. I could list them, but I don't need to. It would be easy to brand K a bitch and be done with it, but I don't need to do that either. She mishandled a lot of things, we ALL know that... I think she just has some growing up to do when it comes to communication mainly (and that's too bad for someone older than me). She didn't make her intentions and feelings clear, and that ended up hurting my feelings, it wasn't fair to me.
So, this is now the third woman I've had strong enough feelings for that I feel I could have loved her. Did I actually love her yet? ...no... I was together with my first love for a year and a half before I admitted to myself that I loved her (I never told her, though). All three have dumped me, all for something easier, something that fit their career, or their religion (#2), better.
I can FEEL myself getting more bitter as I write about this.
So, why? Why is it that I find these women?.. the career women, the religious women. Why are THEY the ones I fall for? I'm careful with the word 'love', but feelings are feelings, I cried over each of those women, and no others. Why have I never gotten to feel love reciprocated? Why am I going to be just one of the breakup stories that they tell the next guy they fuck?
Motherfucker, I am starting to get pissed. I'm going to go get too drunk to cook, I'll be back in a few days.
posted by Composer at 2:37 PM
3 Comments:
(((you)))
We can't help who we fall for, you can't blame yourself for that. I suppose I am thankful she finally became honest with you and upfront (for once, it seems) before you left under the assumption you two would try a long distance relationship. But I am incredibly sorry you were hurt by her. :(
*hugs* dearheart, you know where to find me if you need to talk or vent or whatever.
Oh hunny. I am so sorry you hurt. Love can be so difficult and I'm sorry you ahve to suffer though this pain at such a young age. I'm here if you need me- kissies.
You know, EE is right. We can't help who we fall in love with or even in "like" with. I feel that it's in the hands of Fate... I also think that from all of the people that we date, we take something away from it. Whether it's what we like or want in a person and what it is that we don't. I'm pretty much to the point that I know *exactly* what I want. what I will put up with and what I won't... Granted that this past relationship of mine lasted far longer than it should have but.. we all make mistakes.
Bottom line-- dating sucks goat balls man!!!
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