FUNKY
I'm not sure how to describe it. It seems everyone's been going through some of this lately. Breeze recently mentioned looking in the mirror and seeing the sadness in her own eyes. I saw that today when I looked in the mirror.
I can feel the polite smile I put on for people fade so quickly as I turn around.
I'm not saying that things with K are going badly, but I have had the sobering experience lately of friends being honest with me. They're seeing red flags, and I can see them too, once they're pointed out. EE described our lack of communication as a red flag. I didn't really look at it that way... but it is. She's right. 24 years old, she should be able to tell me what she needs, and if she's not in the mood, which is apparently what sparked the argument yesterday morning. When she said I need to read her body language, I THINK she meant I need to be able tell when she's not in the mood (I'm guessing of course, because she won't tell me).
My good friend of several years pointed out something else. Monday night she said something to the effect of "It's always about you," in reference to us messing around. Wow. I was QUITE offended. I won't give you the full history, but suffice to say, I've been at work a lot more than she has. A LOT. I asked her to explain herself, because I was offended. She laid quietly for a moment and then started making out with me, and soon jumped on top of me. I even stopped her once to reitterate that I wanted to know what she meant. She said nothing and continued to pounce. My friend was quiet as I told him about it, then said, "I don't like that. I don't like that at all."
So, now, it's the second evening after an argument. We talked late last night on the phone, and things seemed fairly awkward. I just don't know what she's thinking. Do I like her less? Not nescessarily... but I can't handle feeling this way all of the time, that is for sure. It messes with me, it messes with my emotions, and it messes with my productivity. I haven't written anything of value in a week. I can't afford to be feeling this way while I'm in one of the best graduate schools in the country.
We'll see what happens. I'm struggling with the fact that I *know* that this woman is relationship material, but then the way she actually seems to act about relationship type problems tells me otherwise. She is a good, strong person - but is she someone I can be with?
Venting, as normal, HNT, up next.
I'm not sure how to describe it. It seems everyone's been going through some of this lately. Breeze recently mentioned looking in the mirror and seeing the sadness in her own eyes. I saw that today when I looked in the mirror.
I can feel the polite smile I put on for people fade so quickly as I turn around.
I'm not saying that things with K are going badly, but I have had the sobering experience lately of friends being honest with me. They're seeing red flags, and I can see them too, once they're pointed out. EE described our lack of communication as a red flag. I didn't really look at it that way... but it is. She's right. 24 years old, she should be able to tell me what she needs, and if she's not in the mood, which is apparently what sparked the argument yesterday morning. When she said I need to read her body language, I THINK she meant I need to be able tell when she's not in the mood (I'm guessing of course, because she won't tell me).
My good friend of several years pointed out something else. Monday night she said something to the effect of "It's always about you," in reference to us messing around. Wow. I was QUITE offended. I won't give you the full history, but suffice to say, I've been at work a lot more than she has. A LOT. I asked her to explain herself, because I was offended. She laid quietly for a moment and then started making out with me, and soon jumped on top of me. I even stopped her once to reitterate that I wanted to know what she meant. She said nothing and continued to pounce. My friend was quiet as I told him about it, then said, "I don't like that. I don't like that at all."
So, now, it's the second evening after an argument. We talked late last night on the phone, and things seemed fairly awkward. I just don't know what she's thinking. Do I like her less? Not nescessarily... but I can't handle feeling this way all of the time, that is for sure. It messes with me, it messes with my emotions, and it messes with my productivity. I haven't written anything of value in a week. I can't afford to be feeling this way while I'm in one of the best graduate schools in the country.
We'll see what happens. I'm struggling with the fact that I *know* that this woman is relationship material, but then the way she actually seems to act about relationship type problems tells me otherwise. She is a good, strong person - but is she someone I can be with?
Venting, as normal, HNT, up next.
posted by Composer at 10:15 PM
3 Comments:
Awwwww, man.... (((You)))
There is a lot more to the issue of her lack of communication with you...it seems much deeper than that.
The comment of 'it's always about you', OUCH. Especially when you feel very opposite. And from what you have written and have learned about you, that doesn't seem the case *at all*.
You say she seems relationship material....but dearheart, IDK...possibly it's not the right fit. I know how much you like her and have fallen for her.
Cheer up if you can.
(((R)))
I worry about about this honey. You're friend is right, it isn't a good thing.
I have almost 6 years invested, that's why I hang in there to make things better - I DOUBT I would've done that if it was a month or two... I'm serious.
Everyone should have that "beginning" where everything clicks and everything is grand. This is not a good start.
Plus the selfish comment... *shakes head* BUH-BYE! Definately sounds like maturity and communication issues...WAY TOO early for that stuff, ya know?
You're mature for your age, the way you write, the experiences you've already had, not to mention how incredibly BUILT you are! (Sorry had I throw that in there)
Besides, you need to concentrate on coming here to become famous to take care of your "Angels". hehehe...
Ooh... as I write a book, sorry! Follow your heart honey... if you're already sad, I'm sad for you. You know what you should do.
Hugs and Kisses honey!!
I can't thank you both enough for your kind words, thoughts, and opinions. You are smart ladies, and I think you know what's going on quite well.
I don't know that I'm ready to bail yet... things might take a better turn. However, I've become very emotionally guarded. If *she* decides to end things, I'm ready for that, and I'll be ok.
That said, I'm still in relatively the same boat that I was yesterday. I told HER to call ME if she wanted to hang out. I haven't heard from her since then, but that was only Tuesday.
We'll see yet. Thanks again, EE and Breeze. Ya'll are wonderful... and probably right.
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