OCCUPIED
Well, at least my thoughts are, even if my time is not.
In the last week I have dove head first into my work to try to get my mind off of K. Though I thoroughly believe that I deserve better than her, it hasn't made the getting over process any easier.
What HAS made the process easier is that I've been here before. I rarely find women I deem worthy of really connecting with, but as I get older, that number rises. I've been where I am now, and know what to expect. The general feeling now? Helpless anger. I want to call her and scream at her. Get those things out that I held in, bit my tounge over. I feel foolish for not standing up for myself, especially because I WOULD have with anyone else. I'm angry at her, and more angry at me, and there's nothing I can do about it.
But as much as you want it, there is no quick remedy for this kind of feeling. Nothing in the world is going to make me feel better immediately, even giving her a (big) piece of my mind. It's like the tide, slowly but surely, the anger will wash away. It's only up to me that when it does, bitterness towards love doesn't remain. ...but I'm confident that if I survived my first love without becoming bitter, I can survive anything.
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I went to New York this weekend. It was quite the experience. I saw all the sites, went to the bars and the clubs.
First off, I thought Baltimore prepared me for New York. Nope. Nothing prepares you for New York. That city does not stop. It is massive, it is daunting, and I never want to live there. Baltimore seems to be just the right size for me.
Second, Bars - good, Clubs - bad. I can dance just fine, but I HATE HATE HATE having my introduction to a woman being my crotch rubbing against her lower back, and I JUST won't do it. My friend (attractive female) danced with me for a while, but then sent me out to the wolves so she could dance around. Fine, whatever. I tried for a while, but if you're in a cool club and you actually ASK a girl to dance, they look at you like you're fucking crazy. Add to this situation my mild drunkness and my current apathy towards (putting effort in to get) women, and I'd had enough of getting turned down after about 15 minutes. I let the friend be in the club and walked around the city for a while, I had a much better time.
Friend and I went home drunk and shared a good night kiss, but that was all. It was the first time I really forgot about K in a while, even if it was only for about 20 seconds. She knew K, and knew my situation. There's always been mutual attraction there, but I think it was more her way of comforting me... it was a very sweet moment.
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Orientation starts tomorrow. Thank the good lord. Please join me in the holding of breath as I pray to actually make some fucking friends up here...
As far as girls? I don't know. It's a strange feeling. I'm still interested... but I just have the afforementioned feeling of apathy about putting in any effort to MEET them. I feel like I'm in an OK place to handle anything new as more than a rebound, but I am just not in the mood to start out with nice dates and everything... that wouldn't be fair to the girl, because I wouldn't really be into it.
I am up, though, for hanging out with friends, and letting feelings develop more naturally. Here's to hoping for something like that.
Well, at least my thoughts are, even if my time is not.
In the last week I have dove head first into my work to try to get my mind off of K. Though I thoroughly believe that I deserve better than her, it hasn't made the getting over process any easier.
What HAS made the process easier is that I've been here before. I rarely find women I deem worthy of really connecting with, but as I get older, that number rises. I've been where I am now, and know what to expect. The general feeling now? Helpless anger. I want to call her and scream at her. Get those things out that I held in, bit my tounge over. I feel foolish for not standing up for myself, especially because I WOULD have with anyone else. I'm angry at her, and more angry at me, and there's nothing I can do about it.
But as much as you want it, there is no quick remedy for this kind of feeling. Nothing in the world is going to make me feel better immediately, even giving her a (big) piece of my mind. It's like the tide, slowly but surely, the anger will wash away. It's only up to me that when it does, bitterness towards love doesn't remain. ...but I'm confident that if I survived my first love without becoming bitter, I can survive anything.
----------------------
I went to New York this weekend. It was quite the experience. I saw all the sites, went to the bars and the clubs.
First off, I thought Baltimore prepared me for New York. Nope. Nothing prepares you for New York. That city does not stop. It is massive, it is daunting, and I never want to live there. Baltimore seems to be just the right size for me.
Second, Bars - good, Clubs - bad. I can dance just fine, but I HATE HATE HATE having my introduction to a woman being my crotch rubbing against her lower back, and I JUST won't do it. My friend (attractive female) danced with me for a while, but then sent me out to the wolves so she could dance around. Fine, whatever. I tried for a while, but if you're in a cool club and you actually ASK a girl to dance, they look at you like you're fucking crazy. Add to this situation my mild drunkness and my current apathy towards (putting effort in to get) women, and I'd had enough of getting turned down after about 15 minutes. I let the friend be in the club and walked around the city for a while, I had a much better time.
Friend and I went home drunk and shared a good night kiss, but that was all. It was the first time I really forgot about K in a while, even if it was only for about 20 seconds. She knew K, and knew my situation. There's always been mutual attraction there, but I think it was more her way of comforting me... it was a very sweet moment.
----------------------
Orientation starts tomorrow. Thank the good lord. Please join me in the holding of breath as I pray to actually make some fucking friends up here...
As far as girls? I don't know. It's a strange feeling. I'm still interested... but I just have the afforementioned feeling of apathy about putting in any effort to MEET them. I feel like I'm in an OK place to handle anything new as more than a rebound, but I am just not in the mood to start out with nice dates and everything... that wouldn't be fair to the girl, because I wouldn't really be into it.
I am up, though, for hanging out with friends, and letting feelings develop more naturally. Here's to hoping for something like that.
posted by Composer at 11:11 PM
4 Comments:
What?!?! You don't like club grinding?!?! ;)
Sounds like you are going through so many emotions....I can tell you really seem hurt over K. I'm sorry ,dude. That sucks that she got into her head like she did. I'm sure as school begins you will make friends and such. That should help you be able to focus your attention on other things besides the entire situation w/ K.
So here, here. :)
*hugs*
Thanks so much pretty lady. I know you're going through tough times too, so let's hope we both get through this.
I like what you said, "she got into your head". That actually feels a lot more accurate than what I would describe as real genuine feelings.
Club grinding... is GREAT if you know the girl. Other than that? No thanks!
LMAO...no I know what you mean. I have been to my fair share of clubs and had to 'dance away' from some guy who came up to 'grind themselves' against me. My girlfriends and I had signals we would give each other when we used to go out to get ourselves out of those situations. One of my friends actually enjoys going to gay clubs bc the guys there actually just want to have a good time and dance, for REALS, rather than try to hit on her and 'grind' themselves into her. LOL
Anyways...thank you for what you said. It means a lot. *hugs*
Hey hun,
First- I LOVE New York- it so rocks! I miss it! I lived there for a bit so I really do miss that sometimes (compared to now...wow!)
I hope you can move past the K thing. You were together such a short time and she was such a pain in the ass...I know it's tough, especially when lonely!
Good luck at school tomorrow. It is a positive to be around those with whome you share commonalities- you are sure to make friends that way, I know!
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