COLLECTION OF THOUGHTS

On another blog I read regularly, the author recently mentioned his disgust for vanity. Comments like this make me evaluate myself a bit.

Am I vain? I don't think so. I spent the first 19 years of my life hating my body. I spent the next 2 years working hard on it, and still not being really pleased. Only in the last year or so have I begun to feel really comfortable with my body.

Why do I work out? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel good when I take my shirt off with a woman. I want to fill out my clothes like a man, not a boy.

Is that vain? Nope.

What about dressing well for class? 95% of the time, I shower, shave, and put on a decently nice shirt. That's not wrong, but I have heard mumbles from a handful of former fellow students about people who get dressed for class being vain. That's just silly. I would like to take that in the opposite direction and say that showering daily (if not twice a day if nescessary) is common courtesy to those around you.

In fact, I'd like to take this whole discussion the other way. I think way too many people are too quick to call others vain. If you don't mind feeling like you don't look great, fine, that's your choice... but don't try to bring people around you down for wanting to feel good about themselves. I believe the vanity line is one that is quite hard to cross.

I've never viewed myself as a "naturally" attractive person, but when I clean up and put on nice clothes, I do feel attractive. There's nothing wrong with that.

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I feel like I've been burned by people I trusted a lot recently. I don't want to not trust... but I think I have to let people prove themselves first. Of course K... but check this one out. I wrote a piece for trombone choir recently (a few of you have heard it), it's a piece that's close to my heart, as it is the soundtrack to the memory of the moment I realized that my first love did not love me back.

A brass band director from Arizona heard it a few months ago and asked me to arrange it for his band. I did, and didn't even ask to be paid, as I like the piece so much. I worked hard on the arrangement for two months, and sent it off a few weeks ago.

Two days ago, I got an e-mail from one of the members of the band telling me they weren't going to play the piece, and that the director asked him to send the music back to me.

What the hell? He said the director thought it was too "solemn and dark". Uh, you're fucking right it is.... just like the original... which he heard.... and liked... and asked me to arrange...

Seriously, what the hell. So here's the letter I wrote the director, I think this is taking it quite calmly and professionally, considering the fact that he really dicked me here.

"Mr. ______,

I'm writing this in response to an e-mail that I recieved from _______. He has let me know that you don't intend to have the band perform my piece.

Let me make it clear that I understand that this is your group, and that you select the music for it. This is your decision, clearly. However, you heard the original recording of the piece, __________. When I set out to arrange a work, I only alter it to make it more intuitive for a group, not to change the style. As discussed, I attempted to work in a picardy ending into the piece. Unfortunately, I felt that this ruined it, so I left the ending as it was. I don't feel that this omission should have been the factor that changed your mind, as the entire piece has a solemn mood - this is in accordance with the inspiration for the piece and the title.

Please understand my frustration. I spent dozens and dozens of hours arranging this work for your band, not to mention the time and effort it took me to learn about brass band scoring conventions, and the 50 dollars that I spent on scores, parts, and shipping. As a student composer, it is crucial that my works be performed, especially if I am not being compensated for my time. Composition is an extremely difficult field to succeed in professionally, and I simply cannot afford to spend so much time on music that may not be performed - I need the support of those I work with.

Please see to it that I recieve the scores and parts back in a reasonable time, ______ has my new address,"

In hindsight, I wonder if I should have really said what was on my mind... but I prefer to be the kind, respectful adult, even when someone many years my senior is not. Pretty pathetic on his part.

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I don't know if I'm going to keep doing HNT... ya'll need to start showing some skin too.

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I went out for coffee with two nice girls last night, and it was great. One pianist, one singer. They're both nice and fun and cute, and single. It's actually a weird situation... I was originally interested in the singer, but I started to notice that the pianist was hanging around a lot and always joining in our conversations. They're both my type, in different ways. I asked them if they were doing anything this weekend and they both gave me their numbers at the same time. When we all 3 hung out I couldn't get any better idea of whether one was more interested than the other.

Holy crap! I have no idea what to do. I'm not all that stressed about it really ...but, I don't want to pass up a good opportunity either... such an odd situation.