PHILOSOPHY FOR DUMMIES

I drove to D.C. today to vistit a friend who is out here from Kansas City for a month. It was a long day of driving around the city and walking to the sites and through the national art gallery. I had a little time to think.

I think that the whole time I've been angry with K, I've really just been mad at myself. I took my self destruction to a new level with her by allowing myself to fall so hard and so fast for someone I didn't know was right for me. If I had guarded my heart and paced myself, like I've preached of before, I would have realized on my own that she's not the person for me.

This very odd inability to move past my anger with her that I've had these last two months... I'm not angry at her. I'm angry at me.

Here's the thing, though. We can't help the way we feel.... if we could, we all would already be married to that person we dumped years ago because they were too nice, loved us too much. What if you could have just been in love with that person? Life would be a lot easier if you could choose who fall for, but it doesn't work that way. That decision is beyond my control, and it happens so rarely that I jump all over it when it does.

So, if we can't learn to forgive ourselves for feeling the way we feel, for being human, for making mistakes based on this amazing feeling... well, we're going to become bitter, angry, alone.

I'm working on forgiving me now. I'll keep you posted.

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You may or may not know, that besides my passion for composing music, I also have a love for directing orchestras, bands and choirs. I, of course, had a job I adored as the choir director at a church in Kansas (but I lived in Missouri, try to keep up :) )... I also guest directed for some high school bands in the area and even directed the University Wind Ensemble at my undergraduate college on occasion.

I thoroughly enjoy working with high school kids (insert something about my humor maturity level matching theirs here), and have always wondered if I'd be able to get a director job without an education degree.

Well. Problem solved. I've decided to double master in Composition and Music Ed! I'm meeting with the Ed adviser on Tuesday to make sure everything is good with that, but it should be completely fine. I'm quite excited at the prospect of actually landing a full time job when I graduate that is related to music... and I should be able to graduate in the same ammount, or only slightly more time. Taking steps towards a better future... good stuff people, good stuff.

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One of my exes, that I've mentioned before, is coming to visit this coming Friday and I'm really excited. Though I have a good group of friends up here, I don't really feel comfortable opening up to any of them (I used to open up to KC, but that doesn't happen anymore). I'm so looking forward to just having someone to lay next to and talk to at night that I trust and care about. It's going to be a good weekend.