HNT

It's been a while... I'm actually really damn sick right now, so I'm doing this cause I lub you.

Been workin' on them abs!

SOUTHERN BELLE

So I think I left you guys sort of hanging with this... and besides, I could REALLY use some advice here.

As you know, I had been dreading breaking up with Southern Belle for many weeks. We've seen each other nearly every day for the last 2 months, and she's really become my best friend here. I knew that this would not be easy.

So, sometime last week, I finally sat her down and told her how I feel. I was honest, but did hold some things back. I told her I like her, a lot. But we've been dating for 2 months, and if I'm not feeling like being in a committed relationship yet, then I'm just not going to right now. That's all true.

What I didn't say is, the reason I feel that way is because the conversation just isn't there like it should be, and she's awkward when it comes to being physical (the little bit we have). When it comes down to it, I feel like I'm dating a girl. A very smart, wonderful, fantastic girl. But a girl. Not a woman. The fact is, I'm not going to fall in love with a girl. I may grow to love her over time, but not in the way she deserves to be loved.

All of that may change in time. I told her that, for the time being, we should step back to being friends. My reasoning is that if we really have a shot at being together, it would be better not to force a relationship now while I'm not feeling it. I really believe this, and I think she believed me too.

She took everything surprisingly well... we hung out the rest of the night and had a great time. As much as I'd been dreading the conversation with her, it all went well. I thought.

Well, I got an e-mail from her Saturday afternoon. She cancelled our plans for the evening, and told me she was having a hard time. She said it would be best if she could take some time before seeing me again, and then abrubtly ended the e-mail. I saw her later that day as I was leaving the gym and she looked like she had been crying.

I don't know what to do. My heart sank past my stomach. I came back to my apartment and stared at the wall for 30 minutes, trying not to cry. This girl is going through hell and there's nothing I can do about it. She's my best friend here, and we haven't spoken for days now. I want her to know I'm here for her. I want her to talk to me, or something. I don't know.

People. What can I do? She hasn't returned my e-mails. I'm losing my best friend.

GOOD LORD IS IT THE 23RD?

I've missed you guys.... I'm sorry. And, oh my... there's too much to catch up on, so I'm going to give a very short recap of the last few weeks.

For starters I had my spring break last week and it. was. awesome. I slept until 11 am every day (I know, I'm a sloth) and then worked on music *all* day, *every* day. I mean, I left my apartment about 3 times that week to work out, and that's it. It was beautiful. I can't begin to tell you how much shit I got done.

People made fun of me when I told them what my break was like, but this is a competitive business, and I plan to make a living at it. It's reassuring to me that I can enjoy working that much.

Other than that? Females, females, females... where do I start? I've been having more sex dreams lately, which can only mean one thing, I'm about to get so horny I'm gonna do something stupid... and I don't want to do that. So... here's to hoping I'll find a nice girl before that happens.

I've got this huge crush on a girl that lives in my building. I chatted with her a bit last Saturday on the elevator but I was hung over and wasn't feeling ballsy enough to ask her out. It was one of those moments where by the time I realized she was actually into me it was too late because she was walking away. Girls aren't always so easy to read, so I couldn't believe I didn't pick up on it and ask her... You'd better believe I was kicking myself all day for that one.

Well, I asked the building manager about her. He likes me (like wants to see me naked, likes me), so he gave me some dirt. Told me where she lives, that she just broke up with her boyfriend about a month ago. I told him this is kinda a big deal (you ever just get that feeling?), and if he could try to introduce us I would be FOREVER in his debt. I'm waiting patiently....

Any ideas?

HOLY SHIT

Jee-zus, I blinked and this week was GONE. This was seriously a busy week, between dealing with my neck and trying to finish the piece I've been working on, I feel like I haven't sat down since Monday. I was up till 4 am 3 nights this week.

So, I woke up on Monday and the neck felt good enough to not go to the doctor, but still hurt. It's still giving me trouble, enough that I've only worked out twice this week for fear of reinjury. Not cool. I'm hoping to get back to a regular routine starting Monday.

The good news is: the piece is done, the professor I wrote it for likes it, he plays in the symphony here, and with any luck he'll spread the word to his colleauges in the symphony. Makes the 4 am nights feel worth it!

BTW, Professor, I thought about you this week when we covered production of musicals in one of my music ed classes... sounds like a shit ton of work!

In any case, I'm off to deep clean my apartment and then take an evening for myself (porn, TV, food, porn, sleep - in that order). G'night

I NEED A DOCTOR

Yep, I definetly pulled something. The pain I feel in my neck anytime I try to raise my right arm, look to my right, hold my head upright, or do just about anything else, can only be described as several midgets clinging onto my back and repeatedly stabbing me.

So I woke up with a crick in my neck, but decided that since my lifting partners were at the gym today I still needed to go. Bad idea. By the time I was done lifting, I could not look to my right at all.

And here's the best part, I have tons of shit to do tomorrow! I don't know if I'm even going to be able to sleep. I've been lying on the couch for 5 hours alternating ice and heat, downing Motrins and getting a neck massage from a very sweet girl, and I'm STILL in pain. I had to lie on the ground to get a shirt on.

So we're going to see. If I wake up tomorrow and it's as bad as it was today, I'm going to the hospital.

TRYING TO GET BACK TO THIS

Busy busy, which is good and bad. I've developed more of a rhythm for my writing lately, which is GREAT. I'm still not writing as much as I was last year, but I'm working towards it. I think my head is in the right place now to make good music, I just need to devote the proper time, and it's getting better.

So, most free moments I'm sitting down at the piano or computer and writing my ass off. The problem is I don't feel like I have free time for anything else. I don't want to stop to write blog entries or clean my apartment (you should have seen it last week) or eat or go out. I'm getting stuff done, so I can't complain, but I've got some ideas for blocking off composing time (more like last year), so I don't feel so much like I have to do it every free moment.

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GREAT NEWS. The director of the wind ensemble (band) here at my new school has decided to have his group play my band piece next year.

HOLY CRAP.

This is big. None of the other composers are having their music played by any of the large ensembles here. None. In fact, I don't know that ANY composition students have ever had their music played by the band or orchestra while they were in school here.

Having this piece playing in my undergraduate was good, having it played here is PHENOMENAL. This school is a big name, and some good things are bound to come from this.

AND, that's not the only big news. I got into the masters of music education program, so I'm now a double masters student in composition and education. F - yeah. AND, I'm in the running for an assistantship with the education program that would pay my FULL tuition. Somebody pinch me.

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Just watched this new show, The Black Donnellys. I honestly thought it didn't look like a very good mob show, but let me tell you, the pilot show was awesome. This is the end of the first show, so be warned for a spoiler, at your own risk, but I thought some of you might appreciate the music choice. The show is done well, check it out!



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Well, it's 2:50 in the morning, and you know what that means. Back to writing! Love ya'll.