IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT IS CERTAIN IN THIS LIFE...

It's that somebody is going to be miserable.

Sigh.

Well, my pianist friend (whose first name unfortunately starts with a K, so we're going to call her KC, I guess), who had, I percieved, taken an interest in me - I was wrong. She REALLY took an interest in me.

Let me start out by saying that the girl is great. She's a genuinely good person, incredibly smart, cute, fun. She's a great friend, who really has my best interest at heart... but I know when there's no chemistry there, and it's just not there. I hate that I can't have deeper feelings for such a good person, but believe me, I've tried to make relationships work when there was no chemistry. You're better off just cutting that person's heart out with a knife and handing it to them.

In the last few days, her touchy feeliness increased a lot... and she leaned in for a kiss more than once. I turned away, but I still made the mistake of not bringing it up right then. Though I did want to feel that close to someone again, to kiss her, I didn't.

So, last night, I sat her down and told her that I'm not ready for a relationship. It's true, I'm not - but that's not the real reason. I just don't see her in that way... but for the first time in a LONG time, I couldn't tell someone the honest reason why it wouldn't work. I think she was really hurt. I can honestly say that conversation was harder than full fledged relationship breakup talks I've had.

I saw her tonight and I could see how sad she was. It's so painful to see that... a good person so miserable. I think our friendship will survive, because I care about it, but I worry for her. She was so distressed last night. This is a girl who, like me, doesn't form strong feelings easily... the difference though, is that she doesn't date around in the meantime. She's had one relationship of one month in her entire life, and that's it.

The best thing I can do, I think, is to try to make sure that she doesn't feel stupid or humiliated, as is often a first reaction to this sort of thing. The best way I think to do that is to just keep being her friend. I know that in the past, I felt like a fool for losing girls as friends because I tried to make something more happen... but looking back, I see that it was THEY who chose not to keep the friendship going, it wasn't my fault then... but if this friendship is lost, it will be my fault.

In any case, it can be quite hard to be the one doing the hurting too. It would make me sympathize with K, if she had ever shown any remorse or if she was trying at all to be my friend. I doubt that she actually feels 100% alright with the breakup, but she's never shown anything but cold. It's a good situation for me to learn from to deal with this predicament. I don't want to handle this the way she did.

....It's late and I feel like my writing quality is sucking terribly. Best to hit the sack now before I really start rambling.

I AM INSULTED!

I got back a short essay from my music theory teacher today and he suggested I see the writing tutor! That fuckass! There was some shit about not forming my thoughts into a cohesive whole or something. It's fucking music theory! It's most comparable to math in the music realm. I didn't think I was writing an english paper! Whatever dude.

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Though I woke up a few times last night, overall, it was still a restful night's sleep and I feel a bit better. Though I KNOW I'm not 100% yet, I do know that things are getting better for me all the time. I'm ready to date again (which I know I've said before, but I mean it more now).

My mom's coming up to visit tomorrow. I would be looking forward to it more, but I always worry about having to spend 3 straight days with either of my parents. I love 'em, but they grind my nerves like nobody else can - especially my mom. At least I'll be able to escape to school for short ammounts of time if nescessary....

Jeez, that sounds kinda bad. Seriously, she's great and I love her.

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So, I've decided that the hardest thing in the world is to remember asian girls' names. I'm trying SO freaking hard, honestly. The female population at this school is about 70-80% asian, which is cool with me, they're sweet and generally cute... but holy crap, their names all sound the same to me. Haha, it makes it really hard to have shot with a girl when you have to ask her name every time you talk to her.

I've started writing everyone's names down upon a first meeting... it's helping, but I still get the asian girls mixed up. Sigh...

UPDATE AND ANOTHER QUESTION

Generally, things are the same here. I'm starting to worry a little about my inability to overcome my anger. Lately, the worst times have been when home alone, late at night. My mind wanders and the next thing I know I'm boiling over shit that happened a month ago. I don't think it's right (though I feel justified, even in my normal moods, in my anger) to be feeling this way so often, and I don't think it's healthy. It continues to cut into my sleep, which put me in the worst mood I've been in a LONG time this morning.

I couldn't even smile at the teacher or other students, I was absoloutely miserable from sleep deprivation. Coming from the person who is always (and I really mean, always) polite, and always greets friends with a smile, that was very odd. I've told the full story to one friend up here, and she's suggested therapy to deal with the anger, and sleeping pills (from the therapist) to get back on a regular schedule.

I genuinely haven't decided yet. My mom's been consistently on anti-depressants and off and on with sleeping pills for years, and it's done wonders for her. Personally, I think my music, my life, and my own attitude are my anti-depressants pills, and I don't think I would ever take something like that unless my emotions fell out of my control... the sleeping pills, though, are starting to sound like a great idea. If I went to therapy (which I have doubts about), I would prefer it be only to gain some methods of dealing with anger. I can usually feel myself starting to "wind up" - like someone coiling up a spring... if someone could give me some effective methods of dealing with this - nipping it in the butt - before it ruins my night, then I might be better off.

SIGH. Other than that total bull shit? Things are fine. I'm working on an orchestra piece that I think, as things are going now, is going to be my best work so far. It's giving me a lot of hope. I got a church job - but instead of directing, I'll be singing in the choir. How crazy is that? Churches in this city have enough money to pay a professional choir! The money is not amazing, but for the ammount of work, it's really pretty good... and I'm getting paid to sing! Holy crap!

I have yet to have any "romantic encounters" and by that, I mean "freaky sex", but I remain optomistic. I'm in no condition for a relationship, and that's ok for now. My best friend up here, an amazing pianist and just a cute girl, has expressed some interest... however, she has said more than once that she thinks she will marry the next person she dates (I know it seems weird... and it is, but she's only had one boyfriend in her life, and she just picks very carefully), and I'm not even close to wanting to deal with that. If I tried anything with her, she would end up getting hurt, and the friendship would be lost. Maybe down the line... who knows. I'm being careful for now and protecting everybody's feelings.

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These questions are fun to get a response on. If you didn't answer the last one yet, please do, I'm still curious.

Question 2: How often do you want it? This one is interesting to me as I've had more trouble with mismatched libidos lately. I have dated one girl who wanted it more than me. At the time it seemed odd, but I've met others lately who have *claimed* to also want it often. So, how often? When you're not in a relationship, how long can you go before you start looking for a one-nighter? Whe you are in a relationship, how often do you do it?

INACTIVITY

In posting, that is. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping it up, the last few weeks have been tough. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Part of that is anger, part is lonliness. While totally over K, as far as not wanting her back, my anger is still lingering. Despite the fact that I haven't told you everything, trust me when I say that there was some major shit that she got away with.

I'm relearning how to deal with this 'lose-lose' sort of situation, and, as I keep telling myself - it's just going to take time. For someone who wants everything to be right in the world and all lose ends tied up, it's very hard to feel so defeated with a growing sense that I need closure. THAT is what's keeping me up at night right now.. and the lack of sleep then wreaks havoc on everything else.

School is generally well. A few classes suck because they're 90% busy work - the 'I could finish this class in a week if you'd just give me all the info in a packet instead of making me take notes for an entire semester' sort of class. Choir sucks because I wasn't good enough at audition to get into the good group, and I'm stuck in the lousy choir. Other than that, my lessons are great, conducting class is great, and the seminars are great.

It's great to be around people. I'm working more now at the dating game, and might have some opportunities.... which is great, because somebody accidentally turned my horny switch to high and left it there. Seriously, I wonder what my deal is sometimes. It's a good thing I have SOME morals, because if given the opportunity, I COULD have sex ALL the freakin' time.

I think some lovin' would help get my mind off K though... I'm workin' on it.

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QUESTION

This is modeled after EE's Controversial Question Wednesday... though this isn't so controversial. I'm just really curious where you ladies stand on this.

How manly do you want your man to be? And how far away from that are you willing to go for someone you like?

This interests me because I've seen female friends up here date guys that were ...considerably less manly than normal. Almost effiminate. It's strange to me that these women would want a man who knows more about matching wardrobes than fixing cars. Isn't that part of what women like about men, that they're different? I really don't know, I'm just asking.

So, on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being

"hells yes I'll go shopping with you! And girlfriend those shoes are CUUTE!" and 10 being

"I just fixed the toilet, the stove, and made a table out of that old oak tree. Now I'm going to go hunting, and when I get back I want dinner made, and some rough sex... and no cuddling afterwards."

where do you want your guy to be? Do you want a guy who is hornier or less horny (chuckle) than you? Do you want a muscular or scrawny guy?

Just curious, fill me in!

THE FACE OF HATE

There is a man named Fred Phelps. If you haven't heard of him and what he does, you should. Fred is the pastor at a small baptist (and I use that term loosely) church in Kansas. He and his congregation routinely picket outside of churches with homosexual members, and at the funerals of U.S. Soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. To try to explain the full magnitude of the situation would take too long, but I encourage you to visit the church's website if you're in the mood to get very, very angry.

Why this isn't national news, I don't know. I suppose it's for the best that he's not getting more attention. The site is very offensive, and not for the faint of heart.

www.godhatesfags.com

Thursday 13

Thirteen current TV shows I'm hooked on

1. US Open - I played a lot of tennis back in the day, and I haven't missed it for a while... but holy crap, I am hooked on the open, and I want to get out and play!

2. Conan O'Brian - The funniest man alive, I'm taking a trip to NY in a month or two to see a live taping!

3. The Daily Show - Jon Stewart for President, 08! (I'll also be catching a taping of this while in NY)

4. The Colbert Report - Stewart's running mate (I'm not joking, I would vote for them...)

5. Family Guy - I am a sucker for a silly, childish joke, and this is just chock-full of 'em.

6. Reno 911 - hilarious.

7. Stand up comedy - I have about 15 comedy central presents saved on my DVR. I'm not joking.

8. Scrubs - what was that about a silly, childish joke?

9. Stargate SG-1 - Make fun all you like, but good music, good writing, it's just a good show.

10. Stargate Atlantis - not as good as SG-1, but I still watch it.

11. Battlestar Galactica - The new one, not the crappy old one. It's a little (a lot) dramatic, but it's addictive. Awesome music, effects, and battle scenes.

12. Ultimate fighter - Or anything of the like, I spent several years in martial arts and I still love to watch.

13. Football - Chiefs. Hells yes.

Alright, alright, they're probably going to suck ass this year. Whatever.

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First day of class today (frickin' finally), met my composition teacher and some of the other faculty and students. I think I'm going to really like it here - and I'm going to love the composition seminar...

I hate to sound mean, but DAMN, there are some dorky kids in composition. These kids make Screech look like Christian Bale. I said a small prayer today for their social lives, which are no doubt in critical condition.

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There are also some ATTRACTIVE women walking around... which is great, because I'm finally starting to get to the point of at least putting in some effort. I don't know if I feel ready for a relationship, but I do feel ready to get back on the dating horse.

I think this is directly related to my feelings towards K. I finally feel as though I don't want her back. I really don't. Also, the thought of her being with someone else (which wouldn't surprise me), doesn't fuck me up anymore. That's something I could accept, I don't care if she's fucking somebody else... and that's a big step.

The anger is still there though, and I don't know a remedy. I've pondered calling her to get it all out. Not in a scream-fest, I don't do that (I've never yelled at anyone, ever), but just calmly telling her all my feelings. She mistreated me, and she lied to me through her words and actions about wanting to be together.

I think that as time goes on, it's going to be sillier and sillier to bring these feelings up to her. If I do want to do it, I should do it soon. I don't know if there is a right or a wrong here, and I don't know whether doing so would help or hurt.

Either way, she talked big about wanting to stay friends, but of course, I haven't heard from her for 2 weeks, and it's been 3 weeks since she's called me. I don't feel like I'd be losing a friend by offending her, because we're not going to be friends anyway. What a bitch.

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What was I talking about? Oh yeah, other girls. Speaking of which, I'm going to go call the singer girl right now. Peace.

COLLECTION OF THOUGHTS

On another blog I read regularly, the author recently mentioned his disgust for vanity. Comments like this make me evaluate myself a bit.

Am I vain? I don't think so. I spent the first 19 years of my life hating my body. I spent the next 2 years working hard on it, and still not being really pleased. Only in the last year or so have I begun to feel really comfortable with my body.

Why do I work out? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel good when I take my shirt off with a woman. I want to fill out my clothes like a man, not a boy.

Is that vain? Nope.

What about dressing well for class? 95% of the time, I shower, shave, and put on a decently nice shirt. That's not wrong, but I have heard mumbles from a handful of former fellow students about people who get dressed for class being vain. That's just silly. I would like to take that in the opposite direction and say that showering daily (if not twice a day if nescessary) is common courtesy to those around you.

In fact, I'd like to take this whole discussion the other way. I think way too many people are too quick to call others vain. If you don't mind feeling like you don't look great, fine, that's your choice... but don't try to bring people around you down for wanting to feel good about themselves. I believe the vanity line is one that is quite hard to cross.

I've never viewed myself as a "naturally" attractive person, but when I clean up and put on nice clothes, I do feel attractive. There's nothing wrong with that.

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I feel like I've been burned by people I trusted a lot recently. I don't want to not trust... but I think I have to let people prove themselves first. Of course K... but check this one out. I wrote a piece for trombone choir recently (a few of you have heard it), it's a piece that's close to my heart, as it is the soundtrack to the memory of the moment I realized that my first love did not love me back.

A brass band director from Arizona heard it a few months ago and asked me to arrange it for his band. I did, and didn't even ask to be paid, as I like the piece so much. I worked hard on the arrangement for two months, and sent it off a few weeks ago.

Two days ago, I got an e-mail from one of the members of the band telling me they weren't going to play the piece, and that the director asked him to send the music back to me.

What the hell? He said the director thought it was too "solemn and dark". Uh, you're fucking right it is.... just like the original... which he heard.... and liked... and asked me to arrange...

Seriously, what the hell. So here's the letter I wrote the director, I think this is taking it quite calmly and professionally, considering the fact that he really dicked me here.

"Mr. ______,

I'm writing this in response to an e-mail that I recieved from _______. He has let me know that you don't intend to have the band perform my piece.

Let me make it clear that I understand that this is your group, and that you select the music for it. This is your decision, clearly. However, you heard the original recording of the piece, __________. When I set out to arrange a work, I only alter it to make it more intuitive for a group, not to change the style. As discussed, I attempted to work in a picardy ending into the piece. Unfortunately, I felt that this ruined it, so I left the ending as it was. I don't feel that this omission should have been the factor that changed your mind, as the entire piece has a solemn mood - this is in accordance with the inspiration for the piece and the title.

Please understand my frustration. I spent dozens and dozens of hours arranging this work for your band, not to mention the time and effort it took me to learn about brass band scoring conventions, and the 50 dollars that I spent on scores, parts, and shipping. As a student composer, it is crucial that my works be performed, especially if I am not being compensated for my time. Composition is an extremely difficult field to succeed in professionally, and I simply cannot afford to spend so much time on music that may not be performed - I need the support of those I work with.

Please see to it that I recieve the scores and parts back in a reasonable time, ______ has my new address,"

In hindsight, I wonder if I should have really said what was on my mind... but I prefer to be the kind, respectful adult, even when someone many years my senior is not. Pretty pathetic on his part.

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I don't know if I'm going to keep doing HNT... ya'll need to start showing some skin too.

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I went out for coffee with two nice girls last night, and it was great. One pianist, one singer. They're both nice and fun and cute, and single. It's actually a weird situation... I was originally interested in the singer, but I started to notice that the pianist was hanging around a lot and always joining in our conversations. They're both my type, in different ways. I asked them if they were doing anything this weekend and they both gave me their numbers at the same time. When we all 3 hung out I couldn't get any better idea of whether one was more interested than the other.

Holy crap! I have no idea what to do. I'm not all that stressed about it really ...but, I don't want to pass up a good opportunity either... such an odd situation.