DATE

Fuckin' finally! It really wasn't anything special, we just went to lunch at a little cafe across the street from the school for about an hour. This was the girl I was supposed to go on a blind date with 2 weeks ago. Our encounters kept falling through so I finally just got her number and called her myself.

We had a good conversation (mostly about our mutual disdain for a certain teacher) and agreed that we should do it again. I'm not sure whether she was really feeling it or not, but I can't say I'm too concerned, it was just nice to get back on that horse.

I've actually heard that this particular girl is only looking for a fuckbuddy, but I don't know if I can rely on that information. Honestly, if she is, I'm down with that. I'm probably in the best place for that I've ever been in my life. Normally I want to really have a relationship and a connection before sex happens, but lately I've been feeling a little inexperienced in the sack. It would be great to have some practice (as bad as that sounds) without a relationship (which I'm not really ready for yet).

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I'm getting my teaching certification! Holy crap, I'm so excited. I don't know yet if a double masters is going to happen, but I do know I can get certified in a relatively short time (as if I'd done an undergraduate degree in education)! If I get that out of the way fast enough, I can get the 2 masters degrees as well... essentially giving me 4 degrees in a 6 year period. I am so happy.

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I was going to post some pictures, but blogger's being a bitch. ...either way, I think I'll start HNT back up...

TECHNOLOGY IS AMAZING

...ly helpful for my dating life. If you haven't heard of facebook, it's a more streamlined, easier to use, and less annoying version of myspace that was originally only for college students, but now includes anyone with a valid e-mail address.

The great thing about this site is that people who go to your school are easy to find, and almost everyone lists their relationship status.

So. I've been doing REALLY well at my new resoloution to meet more girls. I struck up conversations with around 5 girls today that I'd never met. It's amazing how if you're standing around in silence: waiting for the elevator, waiting for the librarian... even just walking in the same direction, all it takes is a "hey, aren't you in my class?" or, if even you've got nothing to go off of, "hi, I don't think we've met, I'm Composer." and immediately the girl always perks up and becomes warm and bubbly and open. I've always feared starting conversations, but seriously, that's the easy part, I think they're just glad someone broke the silence (and the ice).

So, bringing this back, it's pretty easy to, once you know someone's name, look them up, see if they're in a relationship, and boom, no more worrying about whether to ask her out. Before you say it's creepy (cause let's face it, it kinda is), ALL guys (and plenty of girls) do it, I'm just using it to my advantage now that I'm meeting more people.

A few of the girls I met were in relationships, a few weren't, now I know which ones to just be friends with and which ones to try to pursue.

Stalking is AWESOME. :)

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So, really, it was a great day. I came home after my first class and took a nap. I went to choir and got a compliment from the director for being the only person in my section who can sing (though I don't think I won any friends in that group, ha!), then went to my composition lesson that I'd been fretting about all week. Turned out my teacher loved the devolopment of the piece and he really inspired me to finish it, WHOO!! Top that off with a full day of meeting ladies, and a 4 mile run (I pussed out on the 5th mile, sorry EE!), and it was great.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with the education advisor to try to start a double masters program, and he's going to consider my music for a performance by the Wind Ensemble (he's also their director). I'm also going out for halloween costumes and dinner with my friends.

Add to all that - I just got a performance of my newest (and personal favorite) piece scheduled in early december by amazing world class performers, and my ex gf/friend is coming to town on Friday....

this is the happiest I've been since K. Healthy, spending time with friends, being productive (so important to me)... I think I'm finally really turning a corner.

PHILOSOPHY FOR DUMMIES

I drove to D.C. today to vistit a friend who is out here from Kansas City for a month. It was a long day of driving around the city and walking to the sites and through the national art gallery. I had a little time to think.

I think that the whole time I've been angry with K, I've really just been mad at myself. I took my self destruction to a new level with her by allowing myself to fall so hard and so fast for someone I didn't know was right for me. If I had guarded my heart and paced myself, like I've preached of before, I would have realized on my own that she's not the person for me.

This very odd inability to move past my anger with her that I've had these last two months... I'm not angry at her. I'm angry at me.

Here's the thing, though. We can't help the way we feel.... if we could, we all would already be married to that person we dumped years ago because they were too nice, loved us too much. What if you could have just been in love with that person? Life would be a lot easier if you could choose who fall for, but it doesn't work that way. That decision is beyond my control, and it happens so rarely that I jump all over it when it does.

So, if we can't learn to forgive ourselves for feeling the way we feel, for being human, for making mistakes based on this amazing feeling... well, we're going to become bitter, angry, alone.

I'm working on forgiving me now. I'll keep you posted.

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You may or may not know, that besides my passion for composing music, I also have a love for directing orchestras, bands and choirs. I, of course, had a job I adored as the choir director at a church in Kansas (but I lived in Missouri, try to keep up :) )... I also guest directed for some high school bands in the area and even directed the University Wind Ensemble at my undergraduate college on occasion.

I thoroughly enjoy working with high school kids (insert something about my humor maturity level matching theirs here), and have always wondered if I'd be able to get a director job without an education degree.

Well. Problem solved. I've decided to double master in Composition and Music Ed! I'm meeting with the Ed adviser on Tuesday to make sure everything is good with that, but it should be completely fine. I'm quite excited at the prospect of actually landing a full time job when I graduate that is related to music... and I should be able to graduate in the same ammount, or only slightly more time. Taking steps towards a better future... good stuff people, good stuff.

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One of my exes, that I've mentioned before, is coming to visit this coming Friday and I'm really excited. Though I have a good group of friends up here, I don't really feel comfortable opening up to any of them (I used to open up to KC, but that doesn't happen anymore). I'm so looking forward to just having someone to lay next to and talk to at night that I trust and care about. It's going to be a good weekend.

PART 2

I swear on everything good, if all women were like KC, I would throw myself off the tallest building and be done with it.

So she decides to come over last night and talk. In the course of the conversation, she accuses me of only wanting to be friends with people when they don't need my help, of being selfish, of leading her on. She tells me she never asked me to look out for her, and that I acted like it was a burden when I did. She accused me of flirting with girls in front of her, and of not appreciating it when she took care of me when I was drunk.

Where to start? Where to start...

Let's see, she doesn't know me well enough to make any sweeping generalizations about my character, especially of being selfish. I never led her on, I just didn't want to pull my arm away every time she grabbed it, because it makes me feel like an asshole. True, she never asked me to look out for her, unfortunately, no one else was, and I didn't want her getting stupid drunk again. I wasn't acting like it was a burden, I was joking with her and others about the last time she drank. I wasn't flirting with other girls that night, but if I wanted to, I damn well could, because that's my fucking business. And last but not least, I never got drunk enough to need taking care of.

And breathe.

I got all that out and she didn't have much to come back with. Considering how offended I was, I still got it out quite calmly.. but without any sugar coating this time.

Wowie, believe it or not, I don't think she's crazy.... just really immature. The girl's had one boyfriend of about 2 weeks, and that's it. She overthinks everything... and she can't take a joke.

Twenty-two years old folks, Twenty-two.

MINDLESS LATE NIGHT CRAP

Four Things about me - Things you may or may not have known about me in any particular order: (cause I'm bored and can't seem to compose anything of worth)

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Mug maker
2. Bus Boy/Server
3. Choir Director
4.. Singer

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:

1. Back to the Future
2. Stargate
3. The Matrix
4. Batman Begins

C) Four places I have lived:

1. With my parents
2. In the dorms
3. In my own home
4. In my apartment

D) Four television shows I watch:

1. Scrubs
2. Conan O'Brian
3. The Daily Show
4. Battlestar Galactica (nerd!)

E) Four places I have been on vacation:

1. Hawaii
2. Grand Cayman
3. Across Europe
4. Veneuela

F) Websites I visit daily:

1. my email
2. Facebook
3. here
4. myspace (maybe)

G) Four of my favorite foods:

1. Thick motherfuckin' pizza
2. yogurt (gay, I know)
3. Ice cream sandwhiches
4. Snackwell cookies

H) Four places I would rather be right now:

1. In bed with a naked hottie
2. Back in KC, I'm sorry to say
3. Back in this afternoon, actually doing something with my day
4. In bed

I) Four people who you think will respond back to you:

I think we've established that not even four people read this thing.

A WTF SATURDAY

Alright. You know, I should have seen this coming, but I have become thoroughly annoyed with KC. For those who don't remember (for all 2 or 3 people who read this, ha!), that is my piano playing female friend that I recently had to let down gently because I wasn't interested.

My group of friends and I went out to a classy bar last night, and we were all having a good time. Somehow, whenever KC drinks, it becomes my responsibility to watch her, which becomes very frustrating when

A: she gets hammered by a glass of wine (I'm serious)
B: there are other girls around that I want to talk to
C: there are other friends around that I want to talk to
D: I don't want to babysit all night when I go out

So, I spend the first hour of the night rationing her a glass of wine little by little until, at some point, I decide that I've had enough and go around to chat with other girls. Now, for the record, there weren't any other girls there I was really interested in, one girl's married, and the other 3 are not my type. There was one new girl there and I was slightly interested, but I decided after a short time that she also wasn't my type, BUT, I was still enjoying a fun conversation with her.

Of course, as that was happening, KC, without me there, downs the rest of her wine, and proceeds to try to cock-block me the rest of the night. I'm trying to have an intelligent conversation and she CONTINUALLY walks (nay, stumbles) right inbetween this girl and I and wraps her arms around me and seriously won't let go. I can't figure out if I would be more frustrated if I actually TRYING to get some action, but I wasn't, and it pissed me off plenty.

So, by the time we left the bar to get some late night food, I had ignored her for a while... BUT, annoyed as I was, I made it a point to put my arm around her while we were walking and chat for a little bit (because I understand the whole jealousy thing, even if I don't approve in this case)

Well, when we get to the restaurant and sit down, I look around and realize she's not there. She ducked out without saying anything and went home. WTF? When I got home last night I sent her a message asking if she was alright, no response by the time I woke up. Well, I just called her to ask if she's ok. She says, "Well, I'm mad right now, I don't want to talk about it." WTF?! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's bad communication skills, and that is terrible, all she's doing there is telling me that we're going to have an argument, but I get to wait until she's good and ready. I hate hate hate that.

I couldn't really pretend, at that point, to care. I don't know what she thinks she has to be mad about, but I'm pretty offended by the whole thing. If she doesn't like it that I want to talk to other girls, she's going to have to deal. Period.

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As I write this, I'm watching I Am Sam with Sean Penn... If you haven't seen it, please do, it's one of the strongest, most touching films I've ever seen.

MY DREAM

I spent all day today cleaning my place and running errands. Though it's often a little too much time to think, I enjoyed it today... I think I needed a brain break.

It's getting brisk out and I can't begin to tell you how much I love the weather. I don't know how exactly I made the connection in my brain, but for some reason the cold just makes me feel more like a kid. I step outside, take one breath of the crisp autumn air in, and I feel ...more human. It's hard to describe.

So... something about this weather seems to remind me of one of my dreams. I want a family. I do. I found myself daydreaming a lot today about it. I had pictures flash into my mind of a home outside of the suburbs, kids, pets. I know from far too many sources that having a family is never easy... but I want it.

Living in the city is great... for a change - but I don't want to stay here forever. Not in any city. I want someone who appreciates that about me and is on the same page. The whole music scene, the world class institutions, the first rate symphonies, all that... will lose it's appeal to me one day. I want to be able to live my life out with my family, first.

Maybe that means I'll never be truly successful in my field. That's possible, it was certainly K's perspective, but I don't care. I don't think I could ever give up on love for my career, and I think anyone that can is bitter and will one day regret their choices.

So, that's it. Despite the difficulty, the blows it will take at my career, I want a family. I want to teach my son how to throw a baseball, I want to teach my daughter how to properly kick a boy in the junk, I want to be a dad and a husband.

I probably should have put a disclaimer at the beginning of this post: "extreme corniness ahead"

UPDATE Y'ALL

So, I'd like to start this post off with a funny story from this evening.

I recently got a job as a singer in a church choir in the area. The choir had 2 cute girls, both whom have boyfriends (yeah, I do the research), until tonight, when a third girl shows up. I noticed a look or two (not much to go off of) during rehearsal, so I went for it afterwards.

She sat down near me as the room was clearing out and I walked over to introduce myself. She had a warm smile, made lots of eye contact, and told me her name... going good so far. We talked about what instruments she plays and other small talk, still good. She asked if I went to the conservatory, I said yes. I asked her if she went there, no, she goes to the ______ School for the Arts. I ask "are you a graduate student?" and she looks at me blankly for a moment.

"that's a high school"

Aw shit. I just hit on a junior in high school (about 6 or 7 years my junior). DAMNIT!

All I could muster up was "ooooh... Well! It's nice to meet you!" and got my crap together as quickly as possible. It's too bad, because she is a fine looking young lady....

I feel so dirty.

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So, how did the dates go? Well, not so well.

My friend that was going to set me up with the girl on Friday fell through... and the girl I had plans with on Saturday never returned my call.

Hmmm... This doesn't bode well for the first steps of recovery dating (and neither does hitting on jailbait).

Though I am disappointed, I'm not really to deterred. I got the blind date girl's info and I'm just going to ask her out myself (we met once breifly and I know that she's at least interested) for a group thing soemtime this weekend.

I continue to get better at approaching girls. Two different girls yesterday I struck up conversation with out of thin air, and one today. That may not seem like much for some, but I'm a pretty shy person at first, so this is big for me. I realized it's something I need to work on, and I'm making improvements.

So, a possible date this weekend... I suppose it's something to look forward to. Sigh.

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I promise to update more often folks. It's hard at times to write about your life when you feel like nothing is going well in it. I continue to get better though, and hopefully my frequency in writing will reflect that. Much love -

IT'S BEEN A FINE WEEK

Except for the continued sleeping troubles, things are going pretty well. I'm (fucking finally) starting to make plans with girls, and I can't tell you how glad I am for that.

Now, trust me, I KNOW that things probably aren't going to go anywhere with some of them, but I NEED to get out there and get back on that horse. Going out with my group of friends is really nice, but I need a date or two for a change, and some action would be SUPER.

So, not like the prospects have been really great. I'm going on a blind-datish sort of thing tomorrow. I'm told she's super-hot. OK. I don't really care what these girls look like (to a point), I just want to get back into the scene. So, it should be interesting at least.

The other girl, I know for a fact is super hot. She lives in my apartment building (Composer, that doesn't sound like a good idea...), and on my floor (RED ALERT! RED ALERT!), but we already made plans to do something Saturday. She's a professional in mall management, and I'm quite sure a few years older than me. That said, she didn't strike me as terribly interesting, but I'm not planning on making any judgements until we hang out.

Others are more "in development" I suppose, but I remain optomistic at this point about the way things are going. I'm getting better every day at starting conversations with new people, and not feeling (or being) creepy about it.

Besides that business? I've been writing more, sleeping more (with the aid of naps... I need to get that worked out), lifting more, running more, eating better, and enjoying life more.

One of my best friends (and former GF) is coming to town at the end of the month. I haven't been this excited about anything, and I mean ANYTHING sense K. She and I broke up last year because I recognized that she wasn't in a good place to have a relationship, and that she had some growing up to do. It was a horribly sad breakup, because we always had fun together.

Well, I'm not holding out hope (especially for anything long distance), but she really has done some growing up, I can see it. She's become less reliant on her friends, she's partying less, working more, living on her own, and not needing to date anyone (who just said she's more mature than me? I'll kick your ass!). She and I have always had a connection, an instant friendship, and I'm just glad she's coming. I really love her as a friend, and you never know, there might be something more there eventually.

So, things are going fine, and though I can't say I yet feel OK about K, I'm working on a way to take some of this weight off my shoulders. I'm drafting a letter to send to her. Yeah, yeah, I know, bad idea, right? Well, I've done this before, and I always, ALWAYS feel better once I clear my mind and channel it into a piece of paper.

I won't be hurtful. Just short, and to the point. I'm planning on saying what I need to say to get closure from my end. I don't care if she responds. She probably won't. If she does, it probably won't be very nice. I just don't care, I need to say these things.

THE TRUE MESSAGE

I don't make my faith a major topic of conversation... ever. It's a part of my life that I keep to myself, and share only with those who really wish to know. However, I thought this needed to be shared. I think these people have it right.

(this is part of a story on the slaying at the amish school in Pennsylvania, from Yahoo news)

As they struggle with the slayings, the Amish in this Lancaster County village are turning the other cheek, urging forgiveness of the killer and quietly accepting what comes their way as God's will.

"They know their children are going to heaven. They know their children are innocent ... and they know that they will join them in death," said Gertrude Huntington, a Michigan researcher and expert on children in Amish society.

"The hurt is very great," Huntington said. "But they don't balance the hurt with hate."
In the aftermath of Monday's violence, the Amish are looking inward, relying on themselves and their faith, just as they have for centuries. They hold themselves apart from the modern world, and have as little to do with civil authorities as possible.

Amish mourners have been going from home to home for two days to attend viewings for the five victims, all little girls laid out in white dresses made by their families. Such viewings occur almost immediately after the bodies arrive at the parents' homes.

Typically, they are so crowded, "if you start crying, you've got to figure out whose shoulder to cry on," said Rita Rhoads, a Mennonite midwife who delivered two of the five girls slain in the attack.

At some Amish viewings, upwards of 1,000 to 1,500 people might visit a family's home to pay respects, according to Jack Meyer, 60, a buggy operator in Bird in Hand. Such visits are important, given the lack of e-mail and phone communication, Meyer said.

The Amish have also been reaching out to the family of the gunman. Dwight Lefever, a Roberts family spokesman, said an Amish neighbor comforted the Roberts family hours after the shooting and extended forgiveness to them.

"I hope they stay around here and they'll have a lot of friends and a lot of support," Daniel Esh, a 57-year-old Amish artist and woodworker whose three grandnephews were inside the school during the attack, said of the Robertses.

Huntington, the authority on the Amish, predicted they will be very supportive of the killer and his wife, "because judgment is in God's hands: `Judge not, that ye be not judged."

A deputy county coroner on Wednesday described a gruesome scene at the school, with blood on every desk, every window broken and the body of a girl slumped beneath the chalkboard, below a sign that read "Visitors Brighten People's Days." Roberts' body was face-down next to the teacher's desk.

"It was horrible. I don't know how else to explain it," said Amanda Shelley, a deputy coroner in Lancaster County.

Funerals for four of the victims — Naomi Rose Ebersole, 7; Marian Fisher, 13; Mary Liz Miller, 8; and her sister Lena Miller, 7 — are scheduled for Thursday at three homes. The funeral for the fifth girl, Anna Mae Stoltzfus, 12, is Friday.

About 300 to 500 people are expected at each funeral, said Philip W. Furman, an undertaker. The church-led services typically last about two hours before mourners travel in horse-drawn buggies to a cemetery for a short graveside service.

In keeping with custom, the Amish use simple wooden caskets — narrow at the head and feet and wider in the middle. An Amish girl is typically laid to rest in a white dress, a cape, and a white prayer-covering on her head, Furman said.

Five other girls remained hospitalized — three in critical condition and two in serious condition. They ranged in age from 6 to 13.

Enos Miller, the grandfather of the two Miller sisters, was with both of the girls when they died. He was out walking near the schoolhouse before dawn Wednesday — he said he couldn't sleep — when he was asked by a reporter for WGAL-TV whether he had forgiven the gunman.

"In my heart, yes," he said, explaining it was "through God's help."