13...

It's technically Friday, so whatever.

13 moments I love in the bedroom. (it's cause I'm horny, this one ain't for the kiddies)

1. When she bites my lip.

2. Her tounge and breath in my ear.

3. When she straddles me when we're making out.

4. When I realize she's not stopping with kissing my stomach.

5. When I say I'm going to go and she just goes faster.

6. Picking her up and carrying her to the bedroom.

7. When we're too horny to make it all the way to the bed and have to settle for the floor.

8. Feeling her ankles on the back of my thighs.

9. Grabbing her shoulders for leverage.

10. Being all the way in and pushing just a little further.

11. When she puts her hands on my chest as I go faster.

12. Being too spent afterward to take a shower.

13. Kissing her neck as I hold her from behind.

Yeah. Cold shower time.

TAKIN' MY SWEET ASS TIME

So it's been a while. Again. I'm trying, it's just not happening.

Big news is: I went to coffee with K. Now let me start by saying thanks for your thoughts and opinions on the issue, and I probably would have said the same thing.

That said, it went fine. We met, hugged, caught up, talked about future plans, hugged, and left. About an hour and a half or so.

Believe it or not, I do want to be this girl's friend. I don't want to have let someone in to my life SO much and not even have a friendship to show for it. I don't want anyone to be so important to me and in a matter of days never speak to them again. It's not what I want. It's happened before with women I deeply cared about, and it's the part that makes me the most sad.

So, all in all, I think I'm doing the mature thing. I'm moving past her mistakes and my heartbreak to try to find a meaningful relationship. I have hope that it will only make continued recovery faster, and that I'm smart enough not to let feelings re-emerge.

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Blind date girl. Pisses me off. I'm quite sure I'm going to end this one soon.

Like I said, I'm checking out other girls a lot. Which is fine, we're not together, but I think we've been dating long enough that it might make her mad now.

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Good career stuff is on the horizon. I got a 500 dollar commission last week to write a short piece, that will hopefully result in some more (and more lucrative) work. I've also agreed to write a piece for a soprano soloist who is a fairly big name in the music business. Pro bono, but should be worth it. I've got a big performance and recording session coming up this week and next with a trio at the school. And, my church choir is recording a new piece I wrote for them.

It's not exactly career affirming stuff, but it's a step in the right direction, and that makes me as happy as anything.

Cheers!

SOMEBODY STOP ME

I find myself thinking a lot as I drive around here. It's tough, being home again, only a short drive from K.

Why do I want to call? It's not romantic feelings, those are dead. I guarantee. I think I'm just looking to earn back some respect somehow. Maybe I want her to see that I'm fine without her, and that I'm mature enough to be friends.

That all seems silly to me, I shouldn't be worried about what she thinks about... anything, but I can't shake the feeling that I want to call.

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All that leaves me wondering. What's the point? Why is it that we feel the need to be with someone? Why do I feel like I can't truly be happy until I find someone? I remember that line from Jerry McGuire, "You complete me."

"We should all be complete on our own," I think... why can't I believe it?

Food for thought. What is more mature - hope of finding someone - or - being happy with what you have? I don't think there's a right answer, but I'm sticking with hope.

HOME

hmm... a lot has gone on since last Thursday. Looks like it's time for a summary update.

Friday - Went to a 2 1/2 hour long piano concert of modern art music. Sigh. Came back to my place with blind date girl. Drunken sex ensued. Good day.

Saturday - Drove blind date girl home to New Jersey. Having limited East Coast geography knowledge, I didn't plan on a 3 hour drive. Oh well. It wasn't all bad, I met her family, who are very sweet, and had a good time generally.

Sunday - Had lunch after church with the director of the choir. He's about 30, and gay. He's a genuinely nice guy, and a good friend. He mentioned something about setting me up with some girls, or maybe his 26 year old sister. YES! He's a good looking guy and I'm hoping it runs in the family...

Then flew home.

Today - Met up at the gym with old friends and had lunch. Then drove an hour this evening to sing in a friends grandmother's funeral. Saw many folks from my undergrad, including a favorite professor. It was nice, except for K's ex-boyfriend (the one right before me) was there. It was awkward, to say the least.

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So, what's up with blind date girl you ask?

I'm not sure.

I find myself developing more feelings for her as we go on, yet I continue to get red flags left and right. I enjoy being around her... it's comfortable, and it's nice to feel that way around a woman again, yet I know it won't last.

I don't know what to do. I find us doing relationship-type things, and it doesn't freak me out, per se... but I think that deep down, the chemistry isn't there.

I know this, yet I'm comfortable. I'm leaning towards ending this soon.... mainly because I don't want to miss another opportunity because I'm with her. And I mean, come on, I'm still checking out other girls constantly... not a good sign.

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Being home is nice. I haven't exactly figured out yet where I belong in this world, but it's nice to have a place that makes me so comfortable.

I'm going to catch up with a lot of friends this week and enjoy a chance to be more social for a change (from recently, at least). It's going to be a good, busy week. I'll try to check in more often!

IT'S CAUSE I LOVE YOU

So I know it's a little silly to flex for a HNT pic... but I just thought i'd mix it up.

THE HOT GERMAN TEACHER IS SINGLE

OK. Now don't get me wrong... I am not dillusional here. The woman is in her late 30s (looks like she's 28), and of course, lives in KC... but when I heard that my hot german teacher from my undergrad broke up with her boyfriend and is now hanging out with one of my female friends from back home... and they're coming out to the coast...

My mind started to wander.

I'm going to see them soon, hopefully. I'll keep you updated on this... let's call it "project: goddess hunt".

I DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

Story time.

I went out to dinner tonight with blind date girl and a bunch of her friends. They are all opera singers. Drama abounds.

Two of the girls in particular are especially negative. Most of this stems from their obvious insecurity regarding their appearance and the fact that they don't have a boyfriend. All insecure girls want a boyfriend. It's a fact.

One of the girls hits on me constantly, which has been going on since I met her. She knows I'm dating blind date girl (though she doesn't know that neither of us are too serious about it). She, fairly often, misdirects her sexual frustration and insecurity towards others in the form of anger.

Well, tonight she was driving blind date girl, myself, and the other negative girl back from dinner. I was trying to help her get to my place from the touristy area, and told her to turn on some road. After she did, blind date girl reminded me she still needed to run by the school to pick up some stuff. So, I tell her to turn back the way we were heading.

At that moment she snaps at me "yeah, I know my way around, I've been living here a long time." I, without thinking, reply, "what? I was just trying to h..." she interupts me to say "you're just being a total guy and backseat driving." and then calls me an asshole.

I'm not making this up.

So, for the next 10 minutes I'm thinking to myself, "what in the hell just happened?" I just look at blind date girl, sitting in the back with me, and she looks back, as to say, "please just don't say anything." It was actually quite cute... but she didn't have anything to worry about. Why? Because I don't sweat the small stuff.

I could have argued with her all night about the fact that I was only trying to help, and that a simple "I know where we are, don't worry about it" would have been fine. That it's riciculous to make people feel stupid or jerky over such things. But it wouldn't have worked. I would have gotten sucked into her negativity spiral and spent all night being pissed off. Instead, I abstained from a fight with someone I don't care about and got out of the situation as quickly as possible.

I'm realizing that there is, in fact a lot of negativity around me here. Both in my group of friends, and these other groups I occasionally hang out with. I don't want it. I don't need it. I don't know these people well enough or long enough to let them bring me down with their bad energy.

I've decided I'm just not going to do it anymore. I fully intend to stay home on the weekend evenings as opposed to going out with people that make me sad/angry/frustrated. I'm a happy person on my own, and I don't need anyone to qualify me.

Long story short, they can suck my ass. :)

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I had a good talk with blind date girl yesterday about where we stand. She now knows everything about K, and that I don't want a relationship now. She said the same, but I'm not entirely sure I believe her. We'll see about that... give it some time.

Either way, it was enough to make me feel better about the situation... then we had some sex. I think I'm improving my game, by the way.

WHAT DO I LOOK FOR?

EE brought up a good question, and I just can't say no to you ladies.



I've been thinking about it, and here's what I look for in women personality wise - someone who

• cares about what I do and respects it
• I can respect what they do
• isn't afraid to make fun of me
• loves to laugh
• Can actually make me laugh
• Doesn't play mind games
• has good communication skills
• knows what they want and can tell me

There are, I'm sure, more things that are important, but those are the ones coming to mind immediately. I wanted to get those out of the way so I wouldn't feel so shallow for telling you

what I look for physically in a woman - (this does not mean I won't date someone who doesn't fit this, that's not it at all, but these are traits I am initially attracted to)


short, preferably no taller than 5' 6" (I'm 5' 10")
thin, like really thin
small boobs - yeah, I know this seems crazy, but I swear, I really prefer As or Bs
fair skin, though black and asian girls are pretty hot too
brunette (and redheads)
short hair
an infectious smile
a general ellegance about them

and because I'm bored, here are some examples from maximonline.com of girls that I would consider my type physically....




Sorry for all the pics of this girl, she's my favorite...

and some others...

OH, FUCK ME!

literally. I did her. ...um... oops!

It was an accident, I swear! I just tripped and fell in to her over and over....

and over and over and over...

Ok, joking aside. I'm not particularly proud of this, but I'm making a choice to not let myself get bummed. I'm going to enjoy this opportunity to get better in the sack, to enjoy being 22, and to have some fun. As long as she's cool with what this is, then so am I.

By the way, it was GOOOOOOOD.

I LOVE THE SMELL OF GIRL IN THE MORNING

So, blind date girl came over last night. She has to be the first girl I've ever met who admits to enjoying sci-fi. It's definetly a plus. We watched Family Guy and Battlestar Galactica, it was nice.

After that, we promptly attacked one another. Things went further this time, and I had to really fight to not have the sex. It's NOT easy. I have a certain kind of body type that I really go for, and while blind date girl doesn't really have it, her body is still rockin'. ROCKIN'.

So, she ended up staying the night, and now I'm exhausted from a combination of lack of sleep and having to get up early to take her home.

Dilemma: I'm 99% sure I don't want to have sex with this girl. She is fun to be around, but I can see the fun fading in the future. Maybe a while back I would have thought her to be relationship material.. but I'm pretty sure that most of my feelings for her are coming from my pants. Not good.

Do I break it off now? Technically, things are going fine, but I know that if I stay with her much longer, I'm going to be weak one night and do it... and I don't want that.

I don't see much other options, besides trying to keep it at just casual dating... which may or may not work... who knows.

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In case anyone is wondering, there are reasons I don't see this working out. She is -

Princessy (makes me pick her up when she could easily walk)
Self absorbed (doesn't ask me questions, just talks... and talks... and.. you get the point)
Politically misguided (don't ask)
Has smelly hair (ok, this only happened last night... but seriously, it was a little weird)
The jealous type

She's also (to be fair) very funny, affectionate, and sweet... just the cons outweigh the pros this time.

HNT

As promised! Thanks to photobucket for at least making this possible.



Somebody better start playing along or I'll stop doing this again with the quickness!

BLOGGER IS REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF

If I can find a less frustrating place to blog, I might be moving soon, stay tuned.

Thanks to EE for giving me the kick in the butt to get posting again. This is for you lady -

(note: blogger, yet again, is not allowing me to post pictures, so no half naked pic for now, sorry)

Now that that is out of the way.

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So my good friend/ex gf came into town over the last weekend. It was really comforting to have someone from home visit. We went out to dinner on Friday, then came back and watched a movie. Nothing special, just nice.

Then saturday. Sigh. We went to the halloween party (pictures to come at some point), and of course, she was looking fine. We both got drunk and when we came back to my place, she attacked me. Next thing I know, we did the dirty.

And let me tell you, it was just that... most of the times I've had sex it was very sweet, and gentle. This wasn't. Let's just say that I had to spend all day Sunday after she left fixing my broken bed. Yeah.

So. I discovered something about myself that I did not know. I have the ability to have sex with NO emotional connection whatsoever. I guess 99% of guys are this way... I guess I just hoped I wasn't.

That's not to say it wasn't good. And obviously, I do care about this girl as a friend... but any wonderings I had about the possibility of a relationship were cleared up this weekend with her. She's a wonderful girl, but she's just not for me.

So, I haven't talked to her yet, but will soon. I think that she might have put more stock into what happened than I, and that really bothers me. Even if she did come on to me, that doesn't really make me feel alright about it.

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And, of course, not to leave my life too uncomplicated, I went an a 3rd date with blind date girl on Thursday (2 days ago)... and we messed around. No sex, but messed around.

I decided at some point after ex left on Sunday that I will not be the guy who has sex at every opportunity. One "fling" is enough for me in my life. I plan to take things nice and slow with blind date girl, and if sex happens, it's going to be because I really like her.

Honestly though, that probably won't happen. She's... prissy. She reminds me of K... sort of a diva (that's what you get when you date stage actresses, I guess). She spent half the night talking about her ex boyfriend, and their open relationship (eek!).

The good thing she has going for her is that she's funny, and that's something I'm really drawn to in women. It makes the conversation easy... when she's not bitching about her ex (who she still argues with all the time, by the way... double eek!).

So, long story short, I have fun with her, but I know it's not a long term thing - and I'm not going to let sex cloud my judgement... I'm just not going to do it with her.

*composer takes out whip* down penis, down!